The joy and pain of snow falling - opening a gateway

Snowing - Harford Barn lower wood

It's snowing this morning, it's *such* an amazing thing ...
I always SO enjoy watching snow falling, I feel great excitement - strange that because I also know that many people and animals have such a hard time with such cold. Does this reflect on the bigger pattern of how I relate to suffering ... can I allow myself to feel such joy when the thing I feel such joy about causes pain? It's part of the condition of life and, allowing this to be as it is .... I feel a relief .. tears to enjoy such simple enjoyment ... and tears for the pain, the suffering in the world. It burns through me ... yet again I feel myself vulnerable and yet more open.
From here I can go more gently into the day resting back fuller into my self. I have a sense that there is a key here, in the mechanism of this place of tension and release into expansion ... a state of healing and of grace. Again and again it takes me relearning this, having the courage to step into and through this gateway which, so often my mind and my fears block me. I send a gentle prayer into the day to be able to walk more fully from this place and to understand and hold my turnings away from this more compassionately maybe I'll be able to also hold others more compassionately.

A shift, at last, towards more peace with Rebecca's suicide, and my life

Last night I had a dream of Bec, she was behind a curtain, in an upstairs room. I could not see her, yet knew she was there and has a candle lit. Again, as I write this now, I have a sense of peace. - I'm grateful for this. People had said that this would, at some point happen.

Still I haven't sensed or dreamt of Bec directly. this is good, as it is now. Getting more contacted and relaxed my body. Dancing on Monday, Yoga on Tuesday , Continuum Movement on Wednesday. Also moving on the deck in the forest several mornings over the last week and in the park before doing a care work shift. . Also clearing my accounts .. can see away to finish them. And simplifying/clarifying my projects and tasks lists system ... I have started to get a few glimpses of starting to vision a way forward with my work, my living space. And I start to get a sense again, as I walk into places I've been in, that there is more peace there because of what I've been doing ... yes, even doing the accounts !!

Moving Sound - ideas thoughts about my creative and healing work - blog started

Doing a Moving Sound Blog has been bubbling for a while. Decided it's important to support and celebrate the creative spaces I go into.

Sometimes over the last months it's felt like none of any of that is possible. It feels *really* good to just begin to have some energy again around Moving Sound and my creative healing work.

Seems REALLY important *not* to push it, but let it grow organically; I have a sense that this Blog could be really important way of affirming and witnessing it.

Moving Sound Gathering @ Bowden House Community Sunday Sharing - Sunday 11 Sept 2005

This Moving Sound Gathering was part of the 'Sunday Sharings' that are being offered by the Bowden House Community to inspire and nourish members of the community and local people who like to join


Sound and creativity are very important to the Bowden community and very much at the heart of their vision. I am inspired by their understanding of what I do, and am greatful for them helping me understand more fully my creative healing work.

I've been involved several times with leading something for Bowden. We did a Sound Calling in the autumn and several soundings for open days, then this summer a couple of 'unofficial' Gatherings.

This Moving Sound Gathering was another magical sonic journey. The focus they'd wanted for the community was 'Expressing Spirituality'. When we reach that deeply connected space in a Moving Sound session, then spirit is very strongly present; and expressed by simply being in that. There were some particularly rich sound images in the opening circle and we dropped very deeply into a heartful connection which took us quickly into a deep journeying space; the sounds we made filling and blessing each other in and beyond the space.

It seemed like time had stopped and the rich presence of acceptance and bigness was almost tangible as we journeyed through several waves of sound, and sound and movement, interactions. One woman who'd traveled quite a way to take part, was amazed at how different this kind of creative space is. Shea siad, "For the first time ever I've been able to play without the mind chattering away". I was inspired again at how the practice and form of Moving Sound supports people to reach such a deeply healing intimate space.

The silence and stillness the quality in the atmosphere at the end of the evening said a lot ... deeply nourishing and inspiring. During the circle at the end, it was humbling to hear the depth of people's experience; people really grateful and appreciative for this opportunity.

It's a vision I've had for a while to do some regular Moving Sound Gatherings . The ones in Exeter look like they'll start soon and, although their are currently no other Gatherings planned in Totnes, after the short discussion we had the end of the final circle, people are excited at the idea of having regular Moving Sound Gatherings in Totnes.

My focus now

How am I doing ...? well .. part of the picture is that I have over 200 'important' emails that have built up since 13 May. And only now starting to feel, some of the time that I can start to engage with it.

It's been REALLY rough much of the time since the start of the year and ...particularly over the last few months . . . trying to see a way forward with my work, and even dealing with my ordinary day to day life has been ... well .... . . . I haven't had a strong sense of it much of the time..... (I know somewhere, on some level that it's all perfect, but I haven't been able to focus very well at all) In fact its only today that I've started to get some order into my living space again and I've got no paid bookings in my diary for Moving Sound. In fact I've decided to continue to put it all on hold - I'm not even going to try and make it happen, at least for the next 6 months -- At the weekend I did run a donated short evening session for a small group of people at a fledging community near Totnes, that I have a few friends in. - It reminded me and re-inspired me that I CAN do Moving Sound, and that it's * amazing* ... but/and I feel quite emotional as I write this about how, and in what form, I take my passion for this forward. . .

What I'm focusing now on now is allowing this all this to take it's course, play music, clear out old stuff, and get the barn into a comfortable place for winter, and see and communicate with a limited number of people. - connecting with and responding to those who I have a sense that they really want to connect.

Again I say YES to my life

Sometimes, somewhen . . . . I have the ( fantasy?) thought, idea, wish of a confident, congruent, open, Loving, accepting, appreciative not putting down edgy relationship. ~ talking of and with love, ease, flow, Joy, . . . the core of Life Flowing Thru.

Drama, no more, - easefulness and Joy the core experience of Life . in this Dropped in & opened place . Resting, again & again into Love, into the place of Joy & u n d e r s t a n d i n g of this human Life within the context of cosmic reality.. Not a 'talking' of that, only, but a dropped in resonance of that place of perfection & knowing the Devine reality of this LIFE . The ordinariness of all this, the Opening to & in Love.

Again I say YES to my life. a yes in every cell of my body singing dancing with Joy of the Beauty & magic of this extraordinary Alive Life. I feel my Body heavy on the ground and space in & between all that I am. And I feel the flow of life within & throughout this human form . Right now I know & see and experience and am in Heaven.

Early morning mist
sun bearly pushing through
soft gentle day

What I'm focusing on now - the rest of my life is now deleted or in someday maybe

Except for playing music, I've decided to allow myself to pretty much give *everything * up - ALL other projects are now in Someday Maybe, or deleted; Realised it's all been just too much to try and focus and make anything happen.

Currently I'm simply continuing to do a couple of days relief care work in an old folks home and continue to take life pretty much one day at a time.

Today I started to look at what needs looking into in terms of the emails and tasks - hope fully not missed too many important things. . .. - whatever important is !! I have over 300 emails that have accumulated in my inbox since 13th May - Bec's suicide. Am SO behind on 'stuff' . . . . - It's a relief, and scary, to just accept that and to move into a space of letting it go and trusting that whatever is going to emerge will.

My big grand visions ... will they ever materialise ... who knows ... for now it feels right to simply let it be, and see. - Some people will probably 'get' this, others maybe not. .. . it's interesting to notice who it is that connects with me, and who I feel called to connect with . . the others - may be there will be a reconnecting the future, or not .. I guess I'll find out!!

Pain, peace openness and love

To hold & contain - be with and understand the oh so much pain in the world . . . The 'open books' of peoples lives.

"Shocked to the edge of myself"? is this, how much is this a reality.? Unsafe in the world . . . wanting tender love . . tender care . . . simply to be loved . . . When, in this world of human existence, we are wounded broken people bumping one on and with another, looking for the peace externally . .. running through life . . searching for 'ways' to 'create peace'; this no longer functions when life hammers loudly on the door of my existence. Peace, Peace at all costs. Such a desperate violence in that, and in stopping, feeling my thin glass skin cover fragileness . . . again and again wounding as the shards of glass cut deeply in the breaking. Oh Sun .... sunshine dissolve & melts this . . Love lovingly creating the crystal chalice, which receives & overflows with the nectar of Life. Peace peace now - Peace in our Time my soul calls for this now.

I call in love so that I can live more confidently, acceptingly, compassionalty in my life. Loving ... peacefully, peaceably in my life . . I open to the Joy of life . whilst also noticing & feeling the pain. WHAT is is, and, I cannot drive to peace & confidence and, yet, do NOT want to live in Pain & Fear . . or desperation of life crawling barely . . crawling, barely alive.

SO . . . too . Sound of chant and Move of Body resonance Exploration this is important , also, in this enquiry . . dissolving . .. transformation. Allowing again & again, my heart to break open.

Bex Memorial website, origin of my name, and Personal pages on my website

I've been involved the last couple of days with the setting up of the Memorial Celebration for Bex life. As part of that I've started a memorial web site for her and been talking with the theatre about what's going to work easily. Guess that's partly how come I felt wobbly for much of yesterday!!

The memorial website is at www.christofferdegraal.com/bec

My sister Judith, has been letting people know about the celebration and, as result, wanted to be able to tell people about how come my last name is de Graal. http://www.christofferdegraal.com/fandf/cdgnameorigin.html

It;s part of the start of my personal web pages, which I've been thinking of doing for a LONG time !

Nourishing Energy and The Mary Line @ Tedburn-St-Mary Church

SO grateful for this space right now; as I walked towards the door feeling the stream of energy that runs through this place. - How extraordinary that, simply being here, I feel SUCH joy. . .. expansiveness . .. haven't 'done' anything .. . simply come into this energy stream .. . and I am held and nurtured . . . . WOW

What this points to is . .. how open I am .. . feeling places and people .. . it's as if I can 'read' .. 'feel/read' them (energies and stories of people and things that have happened in places before) . Like last night in Newquay, and the holiday 'pick up' vibe there.

Yet again, I'm reminded to be more conscious about what I am open too . . . otherwise I pick up this stuff without realising it . . .. even, 'simply', on the thought level. I need to be conscious when it is ok to open, in fact open up *more* to what it is that nourishes me .. . and, when to not be so open, to not open to the things, energies, and people where, afterwards I feel drained; consciously setting a filter to not allow that stuff in, not allow it to stick, for it to flow through ... run off. - then there is no fear or energy needed to 'keep it out'. It simply does not effect me negatively.....

I am grateful right now for this knowing about this, that I receive ... that I have. With this now, I realise that I am safe ... *deeply* safe in this changing world and in places and with people where I do not receive a positive supportive energy coming towards me..

Always everywhere it is possible to connect with the nourishing energy of life, even when it is not the main or major component that is being animated or amplified. I choose now to be-come more aware of that, live more in and within and from that place of awareness of knowing that; even within the pain and struggle places of my life... of life...

Tedburn-St-Mary Church is on the Mary Line that criss crosses, along with the Micheal line, the ley line that runs through the South of England (see the 'Sun and the Serpent' ISBN 0951518313 for more info)

Dancing in the waves

I went to the beach and danced in the waves -what * joy* !!

Stages in the grieving process - taking it's time!

Though the daily grief and other painful places have stopped in connection with Bec's suicide, I'm finding that it's important for me to continue to allow all the parts and stages of the grieving process, and am learning more to accept it's own timing. It seems to go in stages and I'm now noticing bigger and longer 'waves' over time of emotions.

I continue to find that, as well as acceptance and the bigger picture, sometimes something arises in me or is triggered by something I see or hear that brings up feelings of anger, blame and guilt - though less frequent, the power of them is sometimes still shocking; I continue to find it important to allow those to be there - when they are .. because that is what is there .. when it is ! (if you know what I mean !!?!)

I remember one day last year when a dear friend of mine Carmella went through something VERY grief filled in relation to her Son's death *many* years before ... It was triggered by a passing comment, seemingly nothing , (could have been nothing ) but touched her on a deep level, triggered something very deep . . . she howled very deeply ... and something that had been buried was release after many MANY years. - Whilst not wanting to search for or create those painful places, I pray that I have the courage and wisdom to notice and allow them to be there when they are. Somehow I trust that it may seem as if I do not have the choice (and that's the choice I'm making in relation to that process).

To find out more about Carmella and her extraordinary work go to www.mourninghasbroken.co.uk

Relief care work - residential home for older people

Today I did a 'shadow shift' at a residential home for elderly people. There's actually nothing that had really prepared me for such an experience .. working there for 7 hours is very different from the short visits I did as a teenager to see my grandfather in a care home and visiting several other people in care situations since.

What an extraordinary thing ... this getting old, and the need of being looked after in such a way. -- I knew the words 'personal care needs' and kind of knew what it meant. . . but .. . . what a sight, a 92 year old body, how the sagging flesh hangs on the bones .. . . not able to walk, or go to the toilet or wash unaided, -- this too, is how the human being can be .. . . NO face lifts or skin tucks, or goals. I had in this place a sense of a 'hotel', people checking in, to check out, and the so few possessions.

Within all this, and thru the day I was so grateful for the grounding I have in my spiritual practice, personal development awareness skills and to have done the recent movement work with Prapto and the Core Energy work with William Bloom.

This morning at 07:30, just before the shift, I went into the nearby park and, with still dew wet grass I moved barefoot .. and dropped deeper into my body. . . and the grass, and trees, and people passing through the park. how grateful I am to be able to do that. Through the day it reminded me to drop in and SO helped me hold myself through the pained non verbal crying of the woman with no speech trying to communicate her needs , the over many years 'resigned' comments of some of the staff,, the woman having an epileptic fit .. . shortly joined again by her husband and daughter. daughter in distress .. then the fear ripple that went thru as one of the relatives said that her father had complained about being bullied. and the heat, SO much heat amplifying it all.

Feeling SO grateful to just 'be' and 'wash the dishes' through all this, and love people . .. no matter what. I could feel the reaction ripple through my body, ( shock, fear, anger. . . ) noticing and holding that, letting it melt and being able to hold the space within all that's not in that situation that is SO under resourced and with such a sense of struggle and rush . .. though such love there too . .. .

Bless the hearts of those who are caring there, many for many years. This experience, though it does *not* feel like my major or main career path in my life, for now . . I sense that it is and has a rightness about me being there and doing it . .. something important about it.

WOW, yet another deeply profound experience, which moves yet again the landscape of my life . . . I feel like I'm doing some kind of advanced level learning course . . !!

And, with all these experiences so far this year, I wonder ... what IS my work to be... what is the main focus ... the reason for doing and being ..... this ( all that I am doing) .. now.

More & more . . . . releasing

More & more . . . . releasing
letting go of the Plan. Not even
'praying' for what I want . . is
this, could this now be a
deeper Level of trust . . . Before
TOO MUCH effort . Now . . I am
more grateful, easeful for my life.

I have some concern of
~ will I get 'it' done ~ Maybe
it no longer matters . . .
. . . getting it, or not . . .
perhaps I can & am allowing
it to all unfold . . allowing the
new reference points
to emerge . . to Land .

no effortful 'should' following ups
. . What, deep in my heart
do I want , what & where
is the flow & joy . . or, actually
the strong YES, the grounded
spacious open YES . . where,
it all matches up . . & for now
I dance in the spaciousness of
my life .

~ responsible . . responsibility
. . . maybe there is in the 'carelessness' more
response-ability instead of the
seeming Less. ~ is there congruence?
Effort .. in that question . . is there
the vibrant , dancing nervous/scared
excited heart. Saying
YES , yes to my life now
in this moment . fragment,
imperfect flawed. Still
I say YES

It all arises anyway, and
comes to pass . . . I s o l a t e d ?
I create, co-create my life,
and thru commitment to the
daily tasks of action to care
for my physical & emotional,
spiritual health, I live my life.

My Life o p e n s up, moves
on towards certain Death.
I experience my life now
and experience & practice
the letting go deaths of
this moment to moment
re arranging landscape of
my life. It has always been so.
now it is as if it appears
more so. The reference
points shift & change
with new unfamiliar
experiences
this is as it has
always been . Now
I dance with in my life

Sadness plays in my face & in
my heart . this too is so,
this too is part of this
changing condition of
this human existence .
I resist it . . . I flow
with it . How extraordinary
and . . . one day I wake up
here no more

Am I 'better' now?

I've recently, over the last couple weeks, been asked several times if I'm "better now?". Well . .. immediately I think ... there's nothing to get better from ... though I understand the heart place the question, usually, comes from - Better... like not feeling so much pain or having so much emotions flooding over ... in that way yes . . . . at least on the surface, and in a recognizing space of what is there, and that continues, on and off, to surface.

10 days ago a BIG wave did hit .. like I thought (and have a sense that others have this thought too) that I 'should' really be able to get on with life now ... Well... it's still been hard to understand and come to terms with such a BIG shaking up ... and I , and other people go in and out of the various stages of grief , in relation to that.

And I've had, even in the last days, quite a few other realisations, and process thought/feelings in relation to Bex suicide (but it feels like not something to share here, that much any more).

It *does* feel like that if someone hasn't experienced something like this, there's a level of experiential understanding of the depths of this process, that is just not there. I haven't been able to live my life in the same way over the last couple of months, and right now it seems like I don't know if I ever will.

I'm aware of a 'give up' kind of energy ... which feels like a possible kind of trap, though I have been and will continue to feel, enquire, about what's going on , and discuss with others and move this in and through my body. (I continue to be grateful for the people that check in with me ... more the, 'to make contact', rather than in any expectation of, or need for, an update. I'm also grateful for the part of me that continues to reach out!)

and, so, meanwhile . . . .

I just did a 4 day movement workshop with an Prapto (AMAZING!!) [ Blog to type up about that later]. This week I go do some relief care work, caring for older folk in a nearby(ish) residential home. It feels like something that I can easily do - just working being and 'caring'. Not having to 'create' anything ... or develop my work ... Feels right to let it sit, kind of continue to be in a space of haveing let it go ( could be EXACTLY what is needed to develop it!) just to let it sit and and let it evolve ... allowing what ever is there to arise.

That being said, I'm excited about what took place at the workshops I ran at Quest and the Integral NLP conference last weekend; and the request from David Grove to spend a few days with him sharing more with him about what I do. Also inspired by the request to go to London and play for a Contact Improvisation weekend at the Moving Arts Base, and the possibility of running a Moving Sound weekend there.

Gift and possibility in Bec's parting

It's felt as if my life was thrown up in the air over the last couple of months. It now, slowly, starts to feel that some of the pieces of are starting to land again .. though it's very much still a new landscape; I'm conscious much of the time now, that there is a gift and possibility in all this, that this can be a great positive change point.

I still feel the pain of Bex parting, it's not that it's gone away... in fact the poignancy of it feels important. Part of it is also that the waves of emotions are not so frequent now, though still (mostly) they are surprising when they come -and sometimes with awesome raw intensity, however, I'm starting to get used to it, to now have that as a somewhat 'known' experience.

I continue to be SO grateful for the gift of the dance, to feel and move in my body through and with this journey. I also continue to feel the blessing from all that SO many people did when I told them about Bex suicide. It is still totally amazing the amount of love that people reach out with from the depths of their hearts; I am very very grateful.

Circle of fire

How fantastic, I can now add images to my Blog. Earlier in the year I took a series of photos in my studio late one night, using slow shutter speeds of a circle of 20 candles. This is one picture I particularly like.

The oil crash and a commitment to a new way of living

I visited my parents 2 days ago for tea. Some friends of theirs were visiting with their teenage son who's at university. We started talking about what's taking place with the dwindling of non renewable resources (something my dad introduced to me 30 years ago at a Friends of the earth meeting, and when the Blue Print for Survival was produced and predicted things starting to really kick in in this decade.) Also some of the things I'd heard at the Be The Change www.bethechange.org.uk conference earlier in the year. I've also had some more conversations recently with a friend of mine who used to work for Shell. Things ARE getting *much* closer now. I've been feeling and saying this over the last few years, but now it's really staring to sink in and getting out there.

I just did a search on the web for "oil running out" - there's quite a bit out there now, including an article yesterday 'Is the world's oil running out fast?' on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/3777413.stm

There's one website that puts things pretty succinctly http://www.lifeaftertheoilcrash.net/Index.html Well worth a read. And we're talking not just oil, but all the associated things of food and societal changes, and majorly linked to that a major crash of US dollar.

SO ... what this does, is put things.. this life, into a sharper perspective.. times are changing. It REALLY challenges me and calls me to shift to an even more conscious, heart centred, compassionate way of living. - I renew now my commitment to that and make a call/prayer for that in my life. - It's really important !

It's all empty and meaning less ... and empty and meaningless is meaningful

In one the many conversations I've had over the last couple of months, as my life is being reframed, I was talking with a friend about all this stuff going on. (They are VERY deep, spiritual, caring insightful person) We were discussing the seeming inappropriateness of Bec killing herself, and of so many things that take place in our lives and in the world. Part of my friends input really stuck with me: "Life's inappropriate ...there are just two things that are appropriate, watching TV and shagging!" (It's all empty and meaning less ... and empty and meaningless is meaningful) Hmmmm I thought .. I don't have a TV and I'm not in a relationship ... how inappropriate ... !

Choose to live?

I walked out of the garage this morning and a baby bird, bearly feathered, dropped out of a nest, and fell on the ground at my feet, totally still as if dead . It sent me into quite a spin .. . Bird felt very cold as I held in my hands .. so much love 4 it. then I noticed a twitch of its foot and it 's so shallow breathing.... trying to open it's mouth to call .. - no sound ... will it choose to live. . . . it closed it's eyes and slept. I placed it in the warm sun . . . several times I checked to see how it was doing ... still not clear if it would choose to live .... a parent bird came nearby and called ... no move .. then the parent hoped next to it, called again ... it stirred and called back. I left them bird to bird. - next I checked, it was gone.

this 'will it live' felt SO similar to what was going on for Rebecca.

how precious life is

Recharging and refocusing, it doesn't take long

By mid afternoon today, I noticed again that I felt quite an energy drop, and lack of focus. How simple it was to take just 20 mins and go out into the forest and lie down in the sun amongst the trees. I now feel SO refreshed and enlivened, and ready to create again, do what needs to be done; I'm grateful.

Maybe now I can allow myself to do this just a bit sooner, and to value this as important too, without having some dramatic thing bring me to a place of 'having' to do it, because of illness or some other kind of trauma . . . just simply because it is something that is important for me to do, and that I want to do, and that it flows easily and freely!

5 weeks on - the wave of love resulting from Bec's death

I'm feeling SO blessed by so much in my life, and am still in *such* amazement and gratitude for how people responded to my request to do some kind of blessing around the time of Bec's Cremation and ritual to scatter her ashes & plant a tree.

There has been SUCH an outpouring of love around the planet ... with SO many people opening their hearts to what is . .. the pain and grief and ALL the other powerful places of such loss that we experience in this being human - it's one of the gifts of the shock of Bec choosing to die in the way she did.

It has and continues to move me, and others I have shared this with, into places unknown, or that need revisiting ... The support and blessings I've received have been and are extraordinary.

I'm SO grateful to have been able to help this wave of love go around the planet. Over 100 people that I know emailed me form all over the world [I'd chosen people it felt important to let know, even a few I'd only met a couple of times] People wrote back form throughout the Uk, America, Australia, Bali, New Zealand, Belgium, France) all with some kind of heartful thing they did in response.

People shared SUCH a wide range of things they did (traditional and non traditional rituals and prayers: Kaddish, Mass, Native American, Aztec, intuitive guidance, Japanese Buddhist chanting, Tibetan Buddhist prayers and ritual) Everyone resonating with and responding form a different place of the grief process

One amazing thing is, because I got reflected back the WHOLE spectrum of response to Bec's death, I got a deeper understanding of what was and is taking place - People responded across the whole range, from complete acceptance & knowing, to anger & rage. It's helped and helps allow what is there in me (and in others as I've shared this with them) It continues to help it move through all the different places in this grieving and readjustment to life.

Another very powerful thing has been the HUGE number of people (about 20 or 30) who have shared their stories of - "Oh... my brother, partner, sister, best friend did the same thing" . . . it's really surprised me how many people.

- I may not write much more about this, for a while, as it feels like it's moving on (though I will be posting something about the Cremation and Ash scattering/Tree planting ceremony . . because it was *quite extraordinary*)

As I finish writing this I've just realised that it's now 5 weeks since Bec hung herself - still the flickers and shadows of the total grief places dance there ... and somehow, right now, I have bit more acceptance of allowing it all ... how it is.

knowing and excepting unexpected up welling of emotions

This is now the 3rd day where I now have more of a positive sense of life; several days in a row that I've felt this way - what a relief. It's not that anything's changed really - Bec is still dead - It's just that ... now I'm settling into accepting and getting to know, even make friends with the still sudden and unexpected up welling of emotions. --- driving along in the car, or doing some other day to day thing like washing the dishes and all of a sudden, as if form nowhere, an up welling of emotion and the tears flow. . . The difference now is that I seem to start to be able to just be with it and know that it will pass (though when it comes it's pretty total).

I have a sense that this may well continue that way, perhaps even for the rest of my life, and it's actually *really* ok that it's that way. What's starting to shift is that I have the sense of knowing this place more and being able to 'hold' it.

As my friend Jes said with/from the wizard doll "be so very gentle with yourself" ... whew .. now THAT's a big lesson that I start to understand a bit more now, and needed to know more of for years - thanks Bec for the gifting of that.

moving in and out of focus

Moving in and out of 'Focus' . . . Feel SO good right now . . . relief (after so much of the turmoil with the situation with Rebecca over the last two months). also ... edges of sadness' -- and 'slices of anger' And, right now, not the need to open up to or go into those. (I seem on a very deep level to know when that is right to do ... almost like I have no choice to do that part of the grieving)

I let go again and again and, just what is, is there . .. freely openly - like shifting images , fading one to another.

And now I have the clarity and ability to choose a topic or focus and the main ideas of it arrive and I can focus again HURRAH ! ( its been weeks of not being able to do that. I have SO many things I haven't done over the last couple of months its going to be 'useful' (!) to have a bit of this focus now!!)

I do have a sense that of still more of chaos layers to go and ... grateful right now that is as it is.

wizard doll and the torrent of tears

It's been full on today .. 'holding' both my parents ... driving them to Tones 40 miles form here at the Barn. Then being with each of them whilst the other had a bereavement counselling session

Had a lovely handmade 'wizard' doll sent to me form someone in the states ( u know how they do those so great over there) She lost her sister too. She's part of the 5Rhythms dancing egroup I set up 7 years ago ... ( never thought I 'd need or get such amazing support from it) receiving the present SUCH a beautiful doll, has unleashed a whole torrent of tears ... ... ouch the pain ... --- grateful for the tears.

I've got a whole bunch of AMAZING virtual holding and right now I could do with the physical kind ... ! . . . and . . .I have this 'Opening Ceremony' workshop day with sound and movement that I'm doing in a local school tomorrow near the Studio, so driving back 40 miles to Totnes - SO many of my friends are down there but it isn't really an option to do that now ... shit .. how come it's so far ....

*** Ok ...

so I've just arranged to get a cup of tea and a hug from a friend in Crediton 4 miles form my home .. -- whewwwww this asking for what I need stuff is a bit of a challenge ... at times .. . and overwhelming how heartful the response is . and . .. . .u know what ... it cant take away the pain ... it cant make it better ... Bec's dead . . . .SHIT ...

ok . .. thanks for 'listening'

xC

Playing for 'stillness' in London for Sue Rickards 5 Rhythms class - 4 June 2005

*Such* an amazing group and space and the bubbly Saturday night chaos sexual energy in London and a big heart welcome from Sue.

. . . my own journeying .. through the evening, through the dance ... with 100 people in such a fabulous large space.

Arriving into and moving through the swelling and resting of stillness.... I walk into the centre of the room playing viola, ripples of notes caressing the spaces and weaving in and out of the many bodies, blessing, healing, loving . . . a single note 'drone' creating a bed of sound for my voice to float on, to rest into and fill the space - creating an invitation for voices to join . . .. a few soft sounds start almost imperceptibly drifting through; tenderly, gently, powerfully... the room filling with spirals of sound, interweaving and a blessing of gratitude, love and compassion.

How amazing to then sit in a circle, heart sharing with so many people having been washed by the dance and the sound .... Sometimes, I wish (my ego wishes) for comments and appreciations. That popped into my head for moment, then dissolved ... tonight it was not needed at all. Then Sue said:

"I'd like to thank Christoffer for playing. He does sound and movement work all over the world, and when I heard he was coming through London I grabbed him".

These words, and a short conversation after the class, have continued to echo through my head as a reminder of the importance of what I do, and love to do. I have such gratitude for Sue's seeing of me, and helping remind me who I am and what I am here to do and the fullness of that work.

It's been such a challenge these last 2 months and somehow in and within all the chaos, a new and more powerful transpiration is just starting to seep through to the surface again. AND ... once more I have the inklings of the calling to do more of my sound and movement work. I'm open to and am putting out the call again to do that work more.


If you are ever in London on a Tuesday or Saturday night go along to Sues' class in North London - it's great (get there on time though, because it's so popular she's going to have to limit numbers) www.acalltodance.com

aware of my own death and preciousness of life

As I wake this morning I have such a strong awareness of the reality of my death, and such a sense of the preciousness of life.

The last two days - Ceremonies for Rebecca

The last two days with Rebecca's Cremation and the ceremony to plant a tree and scatter her ashes have been TOTALLY amazing. There has been an outpouring of SOOOo much love from so many people, which has really helped hold the indescribable grief. The ceremonies we did were VERY extraordinary .. I'll share more at a later date about what happened ... it was very beautiful, amazing blessings form it.

Right now I feel held, tired, grateful, numb and . .. trusting. *Much* more that could be said and shared - and for now, I focus on preparing to to go London next week to do an 'Opening Ceremony', using sound to open and hold the International Conference on Organisations and Spirituality.

the 5 Rhythms Dance supporting transformation of grief

Since my sister Rebecca decided two weeks ago she could no longer stay on this planet, and took her life. I have been thrown into experiencing and exploring grief and extraordinariness of a wild and profound unknown place. I'm SOOooo very grateful for the support of the dance, for the skilful aware and compassionate teachers you have trained and the amazing global dancing tribe there is now in the world; I feel the power passion and love of that.

There is SOOOooo much love in this world .. so much pain ... I'm SO grateful to be able to explore, what is, through the dance. . . with my body, with my voice .. beyond the words ... touching a place of complete knowing, dropping into the space between the frames of the film of what seems to be this life ... sensing other places, extraordinary beauty, extraordinary pain ... WHAT a MYSTERY.

3 days after Rebecca took her life I went to Jo Hardy's class class here in Totnes in Devon, - - the sound system 'packed up' in chaos .(!!) .. so we 'silently' . . . with just (!) our voices and breath and rhythm of the feet went thru the 'end' of chaos . .. my heart broke .. broke open ... I collapsed to the floor ... the power of life moving through me.. transforming me ... releasing the trauma of from the cells of my body ....from having seen my sister Rebecca still with the face of agony and with the rope around her neck. I was guided out of chaos ... softening, moving softening ... as I emerged there was someone to great me fully powerfully present .... eyes of love and compassion - since that moment the flashbacks are no longer there, and I no longer feel the rope around my neck. AM SO grateful for that journey and transformation.

On Tuesday night after the Cremation, my family gathered here in my Studio Barn, with Fanny Behrans to dance. It was JUST extraordinary. ..... my parents, in their 70's my two younger sisters, my brother in law and 2 nieces one just 9 years old ... and my ex wife(!) We danced, and danced and cried and shook and screamed and listened and witnessed ... SUCH a blessing.

On Wednesday after a ritual to plant a tree and scatter the ashes I danced with Susannah DK and our local tribe here on Wednesday in Devon, UK . . . held, held held and loved ( and feared!).... At the end of the evening I played my sisters bamboo flute ..(seems I now play flute as well as viola!) .. a beautiful playful energy, Rebecca's, came in to the space. .... we then sat in circle and I shook and shook .. silently .. then a wail came from me like I've never experienced ... w o w. . . .. what a blessing to move and be moved.

for 5R dance classes near you in the UK see http://www.5rhythmsuk.com/ for other places globally go to http://www.ravenrecording.com/

Rumi's wisdom on resistance and acceptance, joy and pain

Pain exists only in resistance

Joy exists only in acceptance

Painful situations which you heartily accept become joyful

Joyful situations which you do not accept become painful

There is no such thing as a bad experience

Bad experiences are simply the creations of your

Resistance to what is

Grief from Rebecca's suicide

It's as if my life has been knocked sideways - what has taken place with and as a result of Rebecca hanging herself is indescribable. I'm sure at some point there will be some extraordinary gifts from all this . . . probably have been and are already. Maybe I'll write more about this at some point.

Rebecca took her life

how extraordinary this life. Today my sister Rebecca finally stopped her struggle with life and . . .



As I was writing my Blog this morning Vision, Taking part in 'Be The Change', inklings of the great transformation http://christofferdegraal.blogspot.com/2005/05/vision-taking-part-in-be-change.html that is when she was hanging herself

Vision, Taking part in 'Be The Change', inklings of the great transformation

I've been clearing out some old boxes of papers and found this quote:

" A person who has a vision is not able to use the power of it until after they have performed the vision for the people to see"

Black Elk


How SO very right he is - I really experienced that last week when did an Opening Ceremony(tm) at the Be the Change conference. www.bethechange.org.uk The energy and power of stepping up and doing that was, IS awesome! What I did felt very powerful, and exciting-scary . . . ALIVE!

It was nearly 2 years since the vision of doing this kind of thing arrived. It was during a weekend Personal Journey I was running with a small group here in my Studio Barn, I start to understand what he is talking about. I'd Playing the drum to open the conference, then the Balinese priest bell in a walking mediation to call people back after the breaks and and it.

(Many thanks to Gabriella http://www.claravia.com/ Ursula http://www.create-space.co.uk Kat http://www.authenticpr.co.uk Sue http://www.relaxingthemind.com and Hazel-Anne http://www.lifesparkle.co.uk/ for being part of this particular part of the birthing process!)

Currently if feels like my life is being radically reshaped, and what I *thought* were the goals and directions are not quite so sure!?! Moment by moment, day by day, I sense this reshaping and all is not what I thought . . I sense this being true for me, but but not only me .. It also seems it is so for many other people and this planet .. . . probably larger too . . . . glimpses of the inklings of the great transformation that is to come are now being felt ... a *very* powerful shift is currently taking place.


~
CdG


PS as I was writing this my sister Rebecca decided to take her life http://christofferdegraal.blogspot.com/2005/05/rebecca-took-her-life.html

Time to write

On and off I've had ideas that it I'd like to share. now's the time to start!
~
CdG