Bex is dead - more revealed : Facing, experiencing the indescribable

Rebecca Lublinski
 in "a very old man with enormous wings"; Choreography Ismael Ivo

I will never fully understand why you took your life…….

And yet...... I sense and search for such deep understanding. .....

So inbuilt in our society, in our language,  is  oppression, is judgement .

How to describe this , the effects , the result of this jumping off your bed with rope around your neck hanging there until you stopped breathing and your heart stopped beating…...

Taking……

Committing…..

Ending….

Finally…..

How I perceive it… is not a clean slate…..   

I wish I could find a way of describing this without this linguistic layering and distortion.

For a moment, a fleeting glimpse of feeling of  spaciousness……

A welcome relief, from these quick full thoughts.

This is the edge of reality of welcoming…

Last night , I cried, big deep tears ….. 11years on, still there are moments of unexpected… deep deep grief….

This washing thru of such feeling, such powerful feelings…. Bodyfull feeling…..

And, now, this moment, such deep full warm love, warmth in my chest….

These last days, I've run from the pain…..

how easy to also judge that……

How quick the mind, the patterns…..

And

Despite the thinking, even with such awareness,  there is …… this….. feeling life….

There are these thinking thoughts

They happen, they are  revealed.  ......

I search for them, I search for understanding. Understanding of this something……

Today, it is like the waves are both more choppy, and,  calm …. still….. deep feeling… and white light blank bright empty.  

And, flashes of fragments of memories, of the stories of the last moments of the last days 11years ago.

What is it that needs to happen, now, in relation to this, in relation to Rebecca, in relation to my heart, and thoughts and feelings…..?

An image flickers in, of a swimmer, swimming fast , out to sea in the wild waves, increasing rain and darkening clouds.  So fast, the imperative of this furious swimming.  Swimming with such precision, fear and force as , yet the waves grow even bigger. Wilder waves. Until….

Instant, bright, light…..

Perception? Or deception?

Of

Reality….?

My heart feels warm and full as I think of you Bex. And , at the same time, the waterfall of tears tip tap at the edges of my eyelids.

I am tired, from little sleep, ….. and washed thru by such raw ripping emotions…….

What does this day hold, how to be with this, in integrity, with all the different parts of experiencing?.....

What is my next evolutionary heart step with this….?  

Realy,...... when, ego, superego thoughts of filters of various favours, inheritance of family line, and cultural society,  …….

This is a multi coloured  palette of many coloured paints,  They swirl and shift,  arranging and rearranging themselves,  into piles of paint, 3D images,  and rich, to muddy, conflagerations.

My heart feels touched, such warmth of love, such tiredness.

Is there a prayer to pray, other than this…….   This moment of the hearts noticing, of the unravelling of the unpeeling of some of the layers of my perception and thinking?

Bex, I love you. Such love in the warm centre depth of my heart, and single tear slides down my cheek. Yes, too, unknown feelings of sadness, and so many flavours.

I resist, I welcome, I look for. There is revelation, and there is a conscious looking.  

And, so it is.   

And here I am.  This day, this moment…..   grateful and hopeless,  present and disassociating, avoiding and welcoming.  These are the waves and flavours of life.

Thank you Bex, for what we shared.  And what we missed.  

With Gratitude;  love and grief.

I can't make this one better….  

And, so it is that I am touched…….

Someone killed my sister #RestorativeJustice #Suicide #EvolutionaryPotential

Someone killed my sister.  Grateful for #restorativejustice Ohhh.... could there be an equivalent? '#suicide

some notes from this mornings journal 10 years on.

Looking forward to meeting my sisters killer and to reconciliation......

so... that means... meeting her,

and

she is not here to email, txt or call... to meet and start that process...

10 years on - "Bex Took Her Life"

Bex would have appreciated that May 13th, the day she chose to take her life was in the midst of Mental Health Awareness week, (if it had been around in 2005) as well as Friday 13th, of which I am sure she was well aware.

This year, 10 years on, the grief I feel has a different flavour today. The tenderness and tears, is held in the field of and my awareness that it is MHA week, and also touched by reading this morning of someone who chose to take their life because (the trigger was) that they could not afford the Bedroom Tax ..... 

I do not know what the trigger was for Bex to decide to take her life (though the 1st two weeks of May 2005 gave me many many insights) Nothing in all the wonderful tools I have been blessed with over the years could hold the ripping thru and meeting the raw direct experience of that pain.

Today as I created this offering of my love for sister, and the tears streamed wet down my cheeks, I feel .... sad, and ... grateful. Sad that Bex felt that the only way out was to take her life, and grateful that I am still so touched by being able to feel how this was then, and how it touches me still and , possibly, that in all this a gift of her death, was to teach me to be just a bit more compassionate.

Bex in one of my Favorite Recordings

Each year ... another  year .. passing ...  and touched so deeply raw this year.  moved to deep big full tears and ...   a sense of heat and a subtle shaking in my upper body .. and all through me.

To be alive is SUCH an amazing thing.  to be reminded and to have been so close to your choice Bex, to end your life. I feel ..... such gratitude to you for the gift to have faced death in such a powerful visceral way. It is one of the most extraordinary, painful and treasured gifts in my life.

Last night I could not go to sleep.. something in me kept me up, singing and playing and playing and playing and often thinking of you until .. the light of dawn crept into the day as I fell asleep at 5am.
 
This morning as I felt my way into the day, and without realisign the time, prepared to light a candle .....  at 10:00am .... amazed grateful and touched to visit that exact time.  

This year, I feel more than ever, the web of people around the world touched by this, ... felling and sending love... it is such a palpable thing ... and .. that too is part of the gift you bring Bex,, and offer me and others as an opportunity  to .. get more in touch with  a direct felt of senes  of meeting this, and meeting life ever more directly.  

thank you, thank you, thank you .. and love to you dear sister.

Grief and gratitude - Bex would have been 50 Today

Bex, If you were here, I'd hold your hands, look deep into your eyes, with such gratitude for feeling such connection with you
and say:

"What a gift you are. I love your wild, free, tender spirit; Happy Birthday Bex . .. I love you..."

miss you sis...
tears ...

missing you .... loving you

Deep in my heart.. I know ...somewhere, that it's ok that you ended your heart beating body breathing life... ...

I am so very grateful that you came into this world ... and for.... all the many things we shared.

and ...... ahhhh...

so nourished now, by the sense of connection, warmth and love I feel as ... I ... contemplate your birth, your 50th Birthday. I wonder .. what celebration you would have had? ...as was your way, no doubt it would have been gloriously colourful and free!!!

Antony an the Johnsons_ My Lord My Love on Vimeo

Antony an the Johnsons_ My Lord My Love from Wolf Jaiser on Vimeo.

and... hidden away I found this. it ties to great artistic inspiraitons in my life, Ismael Ivo, and my sister Rebecca. -- some of her best work I saw happening when we worked on a piece with Ismeal. he made her shine in the piece he did with us.

Anita Roddicks death - connecting up some threads

Many years ago, wow, 20 actually, (in 1987) I was involved in taking part in setting up Common Ground Sign Dance Theatre, a cooperative of deaf hearing, disabled non disabled people and people with mental health problems.

Having just heard that Anita Roddick has died I remembered my connection with her. It was one Sunday afternoon when I was in the office on my own doing some fund raising, wondering if it was possible, was it worth it to continue to try to get the fledgling company going.

I was looking thru the list of possible funders and had this intuition to call The Body Shop Office and yes, its true, a Sunday afternoon and Anita answered the phone. I told her the vision of what it was we were doing of exploring the arts as a mixed group of people and of finding a Common Ground between performers from different cultural and social backgrounds between deaf and hearing people and people with different disabilities.

This was a decisive moment and, not many people know, that at that point I was wondering if all these hours day s and weekends I was spending , often on my own in the office was worth it ( though a musician and performer in the company most of my life now was in an office, only very rarely did I get into the studio or do performances or workshop with company) I was seriously considering whether I wanted to carry on. I'd learnt how to use a computer and spreadsheet, do a business plan ( one the Livewire completion) and got a grant from the Scottish Arts Council but we need some extra money, or the first tour for Common Ground would not go ahead and what turned out for me for me an involvement in an extraordinary 10 year social and cultural experiment would probably not have happened.

A while after I left the company split and there are now two incarnations; one a more deaf focused deaf arts company, the other more an arts focused arts company. Along the way many people passed thru the company learning and training in this experimental cauldron. Amongst the people that went thru the company we had people that went on to become director of Graeae Theatre, one of the deaf trainees became the present director of CGSDT, the co director of Green Candle Dance Company also contributed a great deal to the company. We had people of different ethnic backgrounds, people who we discovered (when they died) had aids, and one of the company members who struggled on and off with bouts of mental health problems, ended up taking her life. So , all in all, we were exploring many of the rough raw edges of life.

It was extraordinary to explore, wrestle, and tussle with the creative aspects of white western arts culture, deaf culture, disability culture; it was the mid 80's and quite a melting pot. It was however not only the creative exploration but also the often more hidden social things we were grappling with.

When I had that Sunday afternoon conversation with Anita I seem to remember that she didn't actually say she'd give any money, I do remember her great enthusiasm, support and encouragement for what we are doing and I though that was that and with renewed inspiration decided to carry on and give it another go. To my surprise a few days later a cheque for £500 arrived in the office and that meant we could go on our first tour.; a few months later I was driving the community transport hire van up the M1; we were heading to Scotland for 3 weeks for our first tour . ( subsequently we toured throughout the UK, and overseas including Denmark, Estonia, Venezuela getting all the associated sponsorship and grant funding along the way.

Now I am doing my own work and which I've called Moving Sound and have performed and lead workshops in many countries around the world. I've continued to use and develop my passion for sound and movement, and provide fun profound and deep ways to go into unknown territory and come back inspired with amazing and beautiful jewels. I work with small groups and individuals, taking people on a very profound and deep Personal Journey, to explore things that are important to them about their personal or professional lives.

Along the way I've also become a certificated Trainer and Consultant and taken my work into the corporate world with Moving Sound Business to help people look at team and group dynamics, and discover inspiring and surprising new possibilities for a particular topic or challenge.

Playing music continues as something very precious to me, whether it's playing in small intimate setting in a house concert or as part of mediation, yoga or healing retreat or to welcome people at large conference events or to give them a moment to pause, reflect and assimilate during the day.

I continue to do projects in the community ( schools, old peoples homes, hospitals, open drop in groups) these Moving Sound sessions explore sound and movement to inspire people to journey deeper in their lives and with each other, and give opportunities for people to share with each other on a deeper level with and without words.

Whichever context I do this work in, I'm constantly amazed and humbled at how sound and movement and non verbal conversations can inspire, heal and uplift.

Exploring the seemingly unseen and unheard connections between people continues as a main focus and inspiration. That's developed to include the connections and interconnections we have with this beautiful planet we live on and this extraordinary thing of being alive and of existence. I'm amazed at this and by the miracles, marvels and challenges of life and the unknown, and the great creative force and potential of limitless possibilities - no wonder I call my company Infinite Source.

It was actually soon after speaking with Anita that at 4am one morning the name and vision of Infinite Source was created . For a while I had it registered as a limited company to support the beginnings of Common Ground Sign Dance Theatre. I I've had it 'hidden' in the background. ( and have had and kept the website for many years) several years ago I recorded and made a CD 'Iona' and have used Infinite Source as the recording label, Moving Sound is also an Infinite Source Project.

Recently in looking at how I take my work forward after taking a couple of years off, I've been talking with several people about the branding of what I do and as I revisit and write this story I am again being re inspired by the bigger vision of Moving Sound and Infinite Source.

Grief stirrings ... next steps

Doing all these things, getting them sorted, cleared, done .. . and all my 'practices' will not ensure I ' go to heaven ' ' have a successful life ' or ' be liked ' or 'be loved ' . . . . . Are these *really* the things I want!!?

If I think too much about this beautiful earth, this beautiful beautiful earth and the place of destruction abuse and pain giving we are in. IT IS OVERWHELMING. and. . . yet I do not even let myself go into or feel *that* . overwhelm. . afraid that I will .. . . kill myself. . . the pain tooo much. o- is this what happened to Bec.

And in this place o f chaos, of seemingly not able to get my life sorted, or a relationship that flows easily or wok that I LOVE to do, that I can do easily and is well pain . . .so I have enough, a *good* amount of money and recourses 'abundance' .. . IN THIS place. . . . . . it is challenging. . SO challenging .. . I feel the stress on my body. the seeming inability to also NOT do enough, or very really exercise. . . or eat in a relaxed way is way too stressful also on my body. . . I feel sad for my life, and again only just on the edge of that for the same fear . . . .

AND *so* wanting to share my gift of playing music more.. Yes reading is 'ok' and what really changed the space was when played the viola. .. . WHEN will I get this, that THIS is what I'm meat to do .. . .*is it* tears are VERY close to the surface now, as . .. . I mm sense the 'fear it might not be good enough' or. . . sit. . . that I'm more simply just missing my life. . . this life . . this creative life. . . . STUCK with SOOOOO much * stuff* and feeling isolated and alone . . . in this. . . grieving for my life. . . and this struggle. . .

NO .. . I do NOT not not not NOT want this struggle .. . Its been REALLY relay RE ALYYY hard not having a home. . . or enough money and working with this Carework where there is SUCH an uncaring attitude to the carers .. . and then doubting myself that I can even organise that. . .--- now the tears flow. . . I feel some life in that. . . and. . . WHAT TO DO . . . .. ? I'd like to get on and clear my life, clear up sort thru stuff, like I said I would and ALL the other things that are there. and start playing more. . .

AND. . . comes again and more, this question;

How can I life a life of Service, Love and Devotion. ( is this even the right, or best question to enquire into .. . )

I SO want to get this right, to be loved to be . .. LOVED. . . or something like that. . . WHAT *IS* this deep grief in me in my soul .. . . -- IS it , still' about Bec, is it ancestral, is it early childhood 'stuff' is it (ohh yeah I was there last night) is it about the Australian abuse, or the deep grief of others in Embercombe of the earth, the earth in Chaos, knowing something . . yet. . . SO MUCH PAIN . . . about this beautiful earth in such distress. . . .. Can I GET THIS. . . and **STILL** get the beauty, divine eternal ... I've GOTTAT get thru to this. . somehow or .. . all this is POINTLESS? . . Sure gotta 'do ' something to mange my sate . . AND YET? . .to forcefully impose.

WHO can I talk with about this. . . be with with this. .. without hiding without being open to TOO open to their pain, stuff etc . . . that I fear will activate and deepen this in me more. . . . felling SUCH distresses does NOT seem a good way to got and. .. yet I do NOT WANT to SUPPRESS IT . . or go unconscious to it. . .

-- ohhhh .. . I've just remembered that this too WILL pass. . . .it just seems, in the opening to this that it will go on FOREVER and enter into the deep dark pit of total despair and annihilation. . .

Feeling is ok , , AND. . . what to do that is NOT rigid rule driven .. . and. . .*how* to shape and focus my life, how to set goals that are *REALLY* mine , ,and that will be successful?

Yes, service, love and devotion are all very well and good ,, , WHAT does that mean, for me, in actual practical action terms of living my life.

WHO to get support with to clear this, to clear this up, HOW to get clear action on this.

SO hard sometimes.

what would I like to have happen. . . --- feel a softening and sense of possibility in that question.

need to have 'breakfast'

EASY .. . easy . .. e a s y .

at the core of sadness ; a key to connection with spirit

For a while now I've been recording and listening back quite a number of times to 'sketches' of what I've been playing. As well a feedback loop that is devleoping and changing what I play, It's become an interesting enquiry process into what it is that arises from the listening.

You can hear a 13min recording of what I played, and then what I wrote, this morning.

or to download, right click and 'save as'(12mb). To read the words of what you hear, click on the 'Read More' link below.

listening to what I recorded on viola earlier. I feel a sadness and a tiredness. When have a I NOT felt this . .as a core state . . .is it a 'core state' or ..something else. . ? I feel it mostly on my face. . , eyes .. heavy arms .. want to close my eyes .. . energy disappearing form my hands . . -- the sun is lovely on my face.-- tight Jaw ... --- flick of thought " this is to do with my childhood" .. early .. 7yrs , 3yrs . . and in womb, implantation and conception and the field of fear . . of my family and in the world .. I long for the healing sound of running stream. the Joyous sound of birds . ..the golden sun. . --- what is it . . to LET GO of?

P O W E R F U L L energy in my body. strong and powerful . . it could crush and smash .. . what IS that , where does it come form -- like a fist punching, a hammer smashing. over and over. . repeating . .. -- what if I were to move with my body , this. what *really* wants to happen? right now, here , . . . nothing . .

I'd SO like to get to the bottom of this . .what IS this? what needs to happen so that I can be free(er?) of this? Is it ever possible to be free of such tones within the system of my body? What, of this, is also residue from patterns and interactions with others and 'disappointment ' in 'love'.

As I look at all the things to do, the project areas, my body tightness and 'solidifies' . .. what I really, really REALLY want is, RIGHT NOW, a sense of devotion and conscious connection with the spirit world, unseen ones, ancestors --- guides . .. -- tears come very close to the surface .. that actually somehow I have been blocking this. . THAT has been my SO lonely ness.

I remember the meditation in the stone cone in Crete .. SUCH a direct open channel 'calling home' .. and the calling of the unseen one, the voice of love that called my name that told me all is ok, all is working out perfectly. -- a single wet tear creeps out of my right eye and rolls down my cheek. I hardly cry the tear of loneliness .. it wets my cheek wiping it away, as if to wipe away all trace of this remembrance.

living in this life is like a dream. WAKE UP NOW into this. My heart is sore, I long for the strong confidence. and the breaking out of the family and ancestral ties . .the human bondage ties entering into this human existence with SUCH a sure knowing that. . spirit moves and guides me, that ALL THINGS and all appearances are the play of the divine.

I read back over this again and, again the tears come as I read of connection to guides . . that, actually I may not be alone, as I fear and feel . . Right now on the edge of my perception I sense SUCH beings of support, angels, and ancestors . . and the Christ --

Why such sadness, what ARE these tears. . ? tears of relief at the turning towards this knowing and awareness, ... pain .. sensing the pain of not making , of having not been making and being with and opening to that.

I 'could' ask for a name of the presence, the being, beings .. .. and , the amazing thing is, simply just being here *as I am* , doing nothing special .. I sense SO MUCH of THE SPIRIT WORLD . . .. again come these tears . . . guilt ? ... or ... ? again I hardly feel my hands . . and, under this .. the HAMMERING HANDS . .2 fists . . I go to clasp my hands , kind of like in prayer, yet still they are fists. . -- under all this is no no no no no . 5 . . THIS is the age it really got squashed out of me, the age of my great despair. . and a loss of hope . . still some innocence crept thru and gradually, or not so gradually I lost hope. I'd left the magical valley in Exmoor and the extended family and a small village school and my uncle, a seer and visionary ... and now alone with my 'family', without the animals so close, or the magic in that valley . . and the trees, , AHHH the trees . . and stream . . and all the nature spirits. . of the streams and the trees . . my heart b r o k e. . . with that now ---- and now I had to 'learn'. Over and over, in those early years, being stuffed with learning's, things to learn. And SO desperately wanting love, wanting to feel that connection again. , and .. I DID sense it , in the sun streaming in, in mid winter .. again and again connecting with that, disappearing into that .. - disassociation . . ? *association* with the spirit world. and, little by little, and sometimes very fast, I learnt to shut down to that, to hide it away AND IT IS ME & lt; IT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT . . --- this THIS **IS** ME.....

These energyless hands are a symptom of having given away more power .. my powerful awareness and connection with spirit world, in nature, the divine, connection with nature and all sprits and beings and the great magical connection with it all ....

Again the tears come as I read -

"what I really, really REALLY want is, RIGHT NOW, a sense of devotion and conscious connection with the spirit world, unseen ones, ancestors --- guides "

somewhere I feel SO scared I'll make it all up, and 'go off on one' .. is 'that' the ego talking . .( and what *is* that !!?!) and I KNOW how deeply I connect with the land simply just standing there .. I sense into this ,,, this world . ..

I feel SO on the edge of getting this ...

"they are there to help, they want to help you"

I KNOW what happened when I asked Bec if it was done, ( when I'd finished redecorating her room, that she'd hung herself in) if there was anything else in her room to do , and soon after ( having forgotten the asking) getting such a sense of fullness in my body, filled out to my skin, relaxed dropped down, open, protected, clear, strong. . . .. . this heartful direct, simple prayer ... without words even needing to be spoken .. yet asking... and then the answer arising SO clearly knowing that it is the answer.

SO:

I am on the edge of understanding and dropping into, opening to this being a full, fuller, fulsome way of living my life. I think I understand this, and have an inkling of what needs to happen .. . Simple acts of devotion and ritual and beauty and love .. in all life. I get that I do SO much of that already and am on the edge of it really flowing into my life .. .into the chaos of my life, the beauty of my life the brokenness of my life the divinity of my life. . . . ---- as I pray this prayer right now, I feel a peace, such peace, and a sense of being held and met and meeting with the ones in spirit. I have a sense of asking for help in this. . to get this and to live my life in a fuller, more peaceful, richer accepting joyous way .. are these the 'right' criteria? I think so, let me know if there is anything else or a shift in perception ... --- all colours flow in to me now get the magic and mystery of life


----

A shift, at last, towards more peace with Rebecca's suicide, and my life

Last night I had a dream of Bec, she was behind a curtain, in an upstairs room. I could not see her, yet knew she was there and has a candle lit. Again, as I write this now, I have a sense of peace. - I'm grateful for this. People had said that this would, at some point happen.

Still I haven't sensed or dreamt of Bec directly. this is good, as it is now. Getting more contacted and relaxed my body. Dancing on Monday, Yoga on Tuesday , Continuum Movement on Wednesday. Also moving on the deck in the forest several mornings over the last week and in the park before doing a care work shift. . Also clearing my accounts .. can see away to finish them. And simplifying/clarifying my projects and tasks lists system ... I have started to get a few glimpses of starting to vision a way forward with my work, my living space. And I start to get a sense again, as I walk into places I've been in, that there is more peace there because of what I've been doing ... yes, even doing the accounts !!

Moving Sound - ideas thoughts about my creative and healing work - blog started

Doing a Moving Sound Blog has been bubbling for a while. Decided it's important to support and celebrate the creative spaces I go into.

Sometimes over the last months it's felt like none of any of that is possible. It feels *really* good to just begin to have some energy again around Moving Sound and my creative healing work.

Seems REALLY important *not* to push it, but let it grow organically; I have a sense that this Blog could be really important way of affirming and witnessing it.

My focus now

How am I doing ...? well .. part of the picture is that I have over 200 'important' emails that have built up since 13 May. And only now starting to feel, some of the time that I can start to engage with it.

It's been REALLY rough much of the time since the start of the year and ...particularly over the last few months . . . trying to see a way forward with my work, and even dealing with my ordinary day to day life has been ... well .... . . . I haven't had a strong sense of it much of the time..... (I know somewhere, on some level that it's all perfect, but I haven't been able to focus very well at all) In fact its only today that I've started to get some order into my living space again and I've got no paid bookings in my diary for Moving Sound. In fact I've decided to continue to put it all on hold - I'm not even going to try and make it happen, at least for the next 6 months -- At the weekend I did run a donated short evening session for a small group of people at a fledging community near Totnes, that I have a few friends in. - It reminded me and re-inspired me that I CAN do Moving Sound, and that it's * amazing* ... but/and I feel quite emotional as I write this about how, and in what form, I take my passion for this forward. . .

What I'm focusing now on now is allowing this all this to take it's course, play music, clear out old stuff, and get the barn into a comfortable place for winter, and see and communicate with a limited number of people. - connecting with and responding to those who I have a sense that they really want to connect.

What I'm focusing on now - the rest of my life is now deleted or in someday maybe

Except for playing music, I've decided to allow myself to pretty much give *everything * up - ALL other projects are now in Someday Maybe, or deleted; Realised it's all been just too much to try and focus and make anything happen.

Currently I'm simply continuing to do a couple of days relief care work in an old folks home and continue to take life pretty much one day at a time.

Today I started to look at what needs looking into in terms of the emails and tasks - hope fully not missed too many important things. . .. - whatever important is !! I have over 300 emails that have accumulated in my inbox since 13th May - Bec's suicide. Am SO behind on 'stuff' . . . . - It's a relief, and scary, to just accept that and to move into a space of letting it go and trusting that whatever is going to emerge will.

My big grand visions ... will they ever materialise ... who knows ... for now it feels right to simply let it be, and see. - Some people will probably 'get' this, others maybe not. .. . it's interesting to notice who it is that connects with me, and who I feel called to connect with . . the others - may be there will be a reconnecting the future, or not .. I guess I'll find out!!

Bex Memorial website, origin of my name, and Personal pages on my website

I've been involved the last couple of days with the setting up of the Memorial Celebration for Bex life. As part of that I've started a memorial web site for her and been talking with the theatre about what's going to work easily. Guess that's partly how come I felt wobbly for much of yesterday!!

The memorial website is at www.christofferdegraal.com/bec

My sister Judith, has been letting people know about the celebration and, as result, wanted to be able to tell people about how come my last name is de Graal. http://www.christofferdegraal.com/fandf/cdgnameorigin.html

It;s part of the start of my personal web pages, which I've been thinking of doing for a LONG time !

Stages in the grieving process - taking it's time!

Though the daily grief and other painful places have stopped in connection with Bec's suicide, I'm finding that it's important for me to continue to allow all the parts and stages of the grieving process, and am learning more to accept it's own timing. It seems to go in stages and I'm now noticing bigger and longer 'waves' over time of emotions.

I continue to find that, as well as acceptance and the bigger picture, sometimes something arises in me or is triggered by something I see or hear that brings up feelings of anger, blame and guilt - though less frequent, the power of them is sometimes still shocking; I continue to find it important to allow those to be there - when they are .. because that is what is there .. when it is ! (if you know what I mean !!?!)

I remember one day last year when a dear friend of mine Carmella went through something VERY grief filled in relation to her Son's death *many* years before ... It was triggered by a passing comment, seemingly nothing , (could have been nothing ) but touched her on a deep level, triggered something very deep . . . she howled very deeply ... and something that had been buried was release after many MANY years. - Whilst not wanting to search for or create those painful places, I pray that I have the courage and wisdom to notice and allow them to be there when they are. Somehow I trust that it may seem as if I do not have the choice (and that's the choice I'm making in relation to that process).

To find out more about Carmella and her extraordinary work go to www.mourninghasbroken.co.uk

More & more . . . . releasing

More & more . . . . releasing
letting go of the Plan. Not even
'praying' for what I want . . is
this, could this now be a
deeper Level of trust . . . Before
TOO MUCH effort . Now . . I am
more grateful, easeful for my life.

I have some concern of
~ will I get 'it' done ~ Maybe
it no longer matters . . .
. . . getting it, or not . . .
perhaps I can & am allowing
it to all unfold . . allowing the
new reference points
to emerge . . to Land .

no effortful 'should' following ups
. . What, deep in my heart
do I want , what & where
is the flow & joy . . or, actually
the strong YES, the grounded
spacious open YES . . where,
it all matches up . . & for now
I dance in the spaciousness of
my life .

~ responsible . . responsibility
. . . maybe there is in the 'carelessness' more
response-ability instead of the
seeming Less. ~ is there congruence?
Effort .. in that question . . is there
the vibrant , dancing nervous/scared
excited heart. Saying
YES , yes to my life now
in this moment . fragment,
imperfect flawed. Still
I say YES

It all arises anyway, and
comes to pass . . . I s o l a t e d ?
I create, co-create my life,
and thru commitment to the
daily tasks of action to care
for my physical & emotional,
spiritual health, I live my life.

My Life o p e n s up, moves
on towards certain Death.
I experience my life now
and experience & practice
the letting go deaths of
this moment to moment
re arranging landscape of
my life. It has always been so.
now it is as if it appears
more so. The reference
points shift & change
with new unfamiliar
experiences
this is as it has
always been . Now
I dance with in my life

Sadness plays in my face & in
my heart . this too is so,
this too is part of this
changing condition of
this human existence .
I resist it . . . I flow
with it . How extraordinary
and . . . one day I wake up
here no more

Am I 'better' now?

I've recently, over the last couple weeks, been asked several times if I'm "better now?". Well . .. immediately I think ... there's nothing to get better from ... though I understand the heart place the question, usually, comes from - Better... like not feeling so much pain or having so much emotions flooding over ... in that way yes . . . . at least on the surface, and in a recognizing space of what is there, and that continues, on and off, to surface.

10 days ago a BIG wave did hit .. like I thought (and have a sense that others have this thought too) that I 'should' really be able to get on with life now ... Well... it's still been hard to understand and come to terms with such a BIG shaking up ... and I , and other people go in and out of the various stages of grief , in relation to that.

And I've had, even in the last days, quite a few other realisations, and process thought/feelings in relation to Bex suicide (but it feels like not something to share here, that much any more).

It *does* feel like that if someone hasn't experienced something like this, there's a level of experiential understanding of the depths of this process, that is just not there. I haven't been able to live my life in the same way over the last couple of months, and right now it seems like I don't know if I ever will.

I'm aware of a 'give up' kind of energy ... which feels like a possible kind of trap, though I have been and will continue to feel, enquire, about what's going on , and discuss with others and move this in and through my body. (I continue to be grateful for the people that check in with me ... more the, 'to make contact', rather than in any expectation of, or need for, an update. I'm also grateful for the part of me that continues to reach out!)

and, so, meanwhile . . . .

I just did a 4 day movement workshop with an Prapto (AMAZING!!) [ Blog to type up about that later]. This week I go do some relief care work, caring for older folk in a nearby(ish) residential home. It feels like something that I can easily do - just working being and 'caring'. Not having to 'create' anything ... or develop my work ... Feels right to let it sit, kind of continue to be in a space of haveing let it go ( could be EXACTLY what is needed to develop it!) just to let it sit and and let it evolve ... allowing what ever is there to arise.

That being said, I'm excited about what took place at the workshops I ran at Quest and the Integral NLP conference last weekend; and the request from David Grove to spend a few days with him sharing more with him about what I do. Also inspired by the request to go to London and play for a Contact Improvisation weekend at the Moving Arts Base, and the possibility of running a Moving Sound weekend there.

Gift and possibility in Bec's parting

It's felt as if my life was thrown up in the air over the last couple of months. It now, slowly, starts to feel that some of the pieces of are starting to land again .. though it's very much still a new landscape; I'm conscious much of the time now, that there is a gift and possibility in all this, that this can be a great positive change point.

I still feel the pain of Bex parting, it's not that it's gone away... in fact the poignancy of it feels important. Part of it is also that the waves of emotions are not so frequent now, though still (mostly) they are surprising when they come -and sometimes with awesome raw intensity, however, I'm starting to get used to it, to now have that as a somewhat 'known' experience.

I continue to be SO grateful for the gift of the dance, to feel and move in my body through and with this journey. I also continue to feel the blessing from all that SO many people did when I told them about Bex suicide. It is still totally amazing the amount of love that people reach out with from the depths of their hearts; I am very very grateful.

It's all empty and meaning less ... and empty and meaningless is meaningful

In one the many conversations I've had over the last couple of months, as my life is being reframed, I was talking with a friend about all this stuff going on. (They are VERY deep, spiritual, caring insightful person) We were discussing the seeming inappropriateness of Bec killing herself, and of so many things that take place in our lives and in the world. Part of my friends input really stuck with me: "Life's inappropriate ...there are just two things that are appropriate, watching TV and shagging!" (It's all empty and meaning less ... and empty and meaningless is meaningful) Hmmmm I thought .. I don't have a TV and I'm not in a relationship ... how inappropriate ... !

Choose to live?

I walked out of the garage this morning and a baby bird, bearly feathered, dropped out of a nest, and fell on the ground at my feet, totally still as if dead . It sent me into quite a spin .. . Bird felt very cold as I held in my hands .. so much love 4 it. then I noticed a twitch of its foot and it 's so shallow breathing.... trying to open it's mouth to call .. - no sound ... will it choose to live. . . . it closed it's eyes and slept. I placed it in the warm sun . . . several times I checked to see how it was doing ... still not clear if it would choose to live .... a parent bird came nearby and called ... no move .. then the parent hoped next to it, called again ... it stirred and called back. I left them bird to bird. - next I checked, it was gone.

this 'will it live' felt SO similar to what was going on for Rebecca.

how precious life is