What is.....

After sitting this morning:

a response to questions arising yesterday watching and looking at the seashore...

From this space, all is revealed

A deep resting spaciousness

And

Such sadness, on my face.

How can relate in a way that feels more fulfilling.?

What needs to happen or be true?

Where am I caught in a pattern, a long time pattern of wanting more?  

Is that what is happening, what is under the surface of this,

And

What needs to happen,,,,,   with    what's occurring, arising?

And

This is it.

And I have choice, and I have competencies to learn, and I have a deeper presence space to be revealed, to walk in.

Can I welcome these shoes I walk in?

Can I perceive the patterns, of thought, being revealed, and say… thank you, welcome  AND no thank you.  Can I get over the so intense need for this preference In my life for peace, to not rock the boat,  to make things alright, to hold the space.

And what of service, and deep compassionate action, and surrender…..  to life as it is occurring, and arising.

Can I see the goal of this life, revealed ever so clearly over and over , this life,  this place of enjoyable perfection revealed.

Choose life.

Choose what is happening.

Searching,  searching, struggling… for some attainment … is…. Unproducitive

AND there is, in the field of this life, this country, this time, a deeper deepening field of fear and unkindness.  That, to a certain extent IS happening,  and what is also true, is that there is a deep deeper truth , …….. well not deeper just ALSO…

There is the awakeness of the heart. Bring it's life affirming presence to this moment of reality . remove, reveal, this moment. This blessed blessed moment of this ordinariness of life. Perfect as it is.  Just as it is.  Including the messiness, pain, fear, shutting, and unkindness, lack of heart and kove…… as I percive it, or as others tell me.

And life, reflects back, life happens.  I create meaning.  Some of that meaning is deep profound true.  Some is empty of depth and meaning, or so I think.   Can that ever be true…..

And here I am.  This moment of life, this response, raw, revealed.  Listening.

And so it is,  I live my life…… simply doing, feeling, responding. Getting caught, being incompetent, and, being present, listening, taking action, holding.   

And more than this, here

How is my heart?

Tender heart, fearful, scared,  strong heart, compassionate heart.

And

I rest, here, now in this moment, with this fullness, and with this shifting attention. With this clarity and with places of struggle and pain.

Am I responsible,  how much, when, where,  to take into account what another wants?

Your loving heart will guide and know

In the meantime, live life, your life, more freely. In each moment.

Uncaring, discovering the fear of shoulds.  And, deep compassionate awareness,  always present, always arising, whatever the path that has been chosen, whatever the choices that have been taken.

This is your profound, precious, simple, boring, ecstatic life.  Stepping and stumbling,  enjoying and falling and flying, and spinning and turning,   this is it,  this is it.

Everything, all of it being revealed, in each moment, so precious, and,  in the blink of an eye, all this,  this my life, will be gone..

So, in the relief, and terror, of this knowing, live fully the life you are living already fully.  This, this is it.

Go where the love is,  go with the next step.  Here is this, this moment, and constellation.  For  this, and in this, with great kindness and awareness, and in the this momentness of this your life wisdom reactiveness and aliveness,  breathe your next breath. Take your next action. React, and … notice this.

There is nowhere to get

There are choices to make

The field of blessed awakness and presence holds all.

In the blindness, lack of vision, crunchyness, within this, and all the reactive patterning,  coming from wisdom, and wounds… within all this, remember also, the heart and presence.  Not as a thing to go to, but as a deep reality of life.

Dropping  back, resting , into this moment, here. Hear the heart.  Always hear the heart.and whatever sign js reveled, explodes, emerges,,,, whatever  that is, in its becomingness, see this, you living this life here now in this body, and, across time,  this moment in time,  living this moment of existence, in the great  vastness , expansiveness

day after referendum unbelievable changes

What is the focus of my life?  Where do I get clarity and guidance for that?

What is the deeper level of question?

from that comes the answer.  

What if there is no need for deeper? What if it is enough for live to be lived in, out, and from possibility, from and with presence guiding. The main place of guiding.  What if this is enough?

I feel touched by this revelation, a deep filling touched.   The layer of grief, that plays across my face, and through my body is revealed and is revealing….. nothing.

My mind goes in a thousand places. Associations and possibilities.  If feels overwhelming,  on one level… in one way and, in another, it is simply a something happening, which is nothing.

The rain rains, grey sky, the clouds weep for the discord which rips through this land.  It is not a crying for an outcome of yesterday's referendum, it is more a crying for the arising of the polarising meanness of what has been happening in the way the debate has been led, and what has been called out and encouraged in the people of this land……..  

my way is a better way, the best way and I will, like a petulant toddler, tease, taunt and bend the truth towards trying to bamboozle and force things my way.   

In this, the weaker ones group and cluster around self-interett, and the tone of bullying and oppression rises louder.  

This is not the way,  this is not the way of the heart, nor the way forward, in this step , of a compassionate beingness.

This is not an us or them, this is simply a particular play of life living itself out.

It is time for a meeting of friends, the deeper listening of nothing happening ordinary something.   It is time  for a union of our hearts with life. It is a time, this moment time, for this living happening to be realised , more fully, in this present moment.   

Not a deep to be revealed, but a welcoming of this moment reality, in all its simplicity  and presence of the eternity of existence.  A possibility of life, revealing all that it is, within the one heart beingness of life.

Live this, this life.  That is it.

What else is there to know?

The deep breath moves thru,  such a resting.  

All will be revealed, when the searching stops.  Rest now,  rest in this place.

What  if the busyness of numbness is not such.  What if the superego label is removed, dissolved and,    here  it is..  this  revealing… of… this liffe..   laid bare, in the depths of its patterning, in the house of its longing, in the place of its belonging.  What if this is the life.

Revealing this, in its one heart place, in its fullness of the overflowing of the  creative potentiality of the doing of one step after another, within the capability of visioning, planning and doing  manifesting, where things line up and the flow flows.  

Do not mistake the lack of flow to be a place of less.  Rest, rest in the flow that is happening,  Feel here , this one place revealing, dropping away the burden of creationing. And living, here in this moment, alive to the awakefulness of life.

Bex is dead - more revealed : Facing, experiencing the indescribable

Rebecca Lublinski
 in "a very old man with enormous wings"; Choreography Ismael Ivo

I will never fully understand why you took your life…….

And yet...... I sense and search for such deep understanding. .....

So inbuilt in our society, in our language,  is  oppression, is judgement .

How to describe this , the effects , the result of this jumping off your bed with rope around your neck hanging there until you stopped breathing and your heart stopped beating…...

Taking……

Committing…..

Ending….

Finally…..

How I perceive it… is not a clean slate…..   

I wish I could find a way of describing this without this linguistic layering and distortion.

For a moment, a fleeting glimpse of feeling of  spaciousness……

A welcome relief, from these quick full thoughts.

This is the edge of reality of welcoming…

Last night , I cried, big deep tears ….. 11years on, still there are moments of unexpected… deep deep grief….

This washing thru of such feeling, such powerful feelings…. Bodyfull feeling…..

And, now, this moment, such deep full warm love, warmth in my chest….

These last days, I've run from the pain…..

how easy to also judge that……

How quick the mind, the patterns…..

And

Despite the thinking, even with such awareness,  there is …… this….. feeling life….

There are these thinking thoughts

They happen, they are  revealed.  ......

I search for them, I search for understanding. Understanding of this something……

Today, it is like the waves are both more choppy, and,  calm …. still….. deep feeling… and white light blank bright empty.  

And, flashes of fragments of memories, of the stories of the last moments of the last days 11years ago.

What is it that needs to happen, now, in relation to this, in relation to Rebecca, in relation to my heart, and thoughts and feelings…..?

An image flickers in, of a swimmer, swimming fast , out to sea in the wild waves, increasing rain and darkening clouds.  So fast, the imperative of this furious swimming.  Swimming with such precision, fear and force as , yet the waves grow even bigger. Wilder waves. Until….

Instant, bright, light…..

Perception? Or deception?

Of

Reality….?

My heart feels warm and full as I think of you Bex. And , at the same time, the waterfall of tears tip tap at the edges of my eyelids.

I am tired, from little sleep, ….. and washed thru by such raw ripping emotions…….

What does this day hold, how to be with this, in integrity, with all the different parts of experiencing?.....

What is my next evolutionary heart step with this….?  

Realy,...... when, ego, superego thoughts of filters of various favours, inheritance of family line, and cultural society,  …….

This is a multi coloured  palette of many coloured paints,  They swirl and shift,  arranging and rearranging themselves,  into piles of paint, 3D images,  and rich, to muddy, conflagerations.

My heart feels touched, such warmth of love, such tiredness.

Is there a prayer to pray, other than this…….   This moment of the hearts noticing, of the unravelling of the unpeeling of some of the layers of my perception and thinking?

Bex, I love you. Such love in the warm centre depth of my heart, and single tear slides down my cheek. Yes, too, unknown feelings of sadness, and so many flavours.

I resist, I welcome, I look for. There is revelation, and there is a conscious looking.  

And, so it is.   

And here I am.  This day, this moment…..   grateful and hopeless,  present and disassociating, avoiding and welcoming.  These are the waves and flavours of life.

Thank you Bex, for what we shared.  And what we missed.  

With Gratitude;  love and grief.

I can't make this one better….  

And, so it is that I am touched…….

Trust Deeply

I hunt the words and world's of my life.  They are,  simply,  revealed in all their complexity and simplicity,  culpability and innocence.  I am humbled and rest, in my power and gentleness.  Trusting more this life, and this process of unfolding, becoming. ... nothing more than who I am.
I learn and grow into nothing and everything, in this, simple, profound ordinary life.  Grasping  and longing, letting go, and holding on tght.  Can I see what is there to be seen, in this day, today,  in this my life.  Fully part of all things,  it cannot be any other way.  

Such sweetness and fullness

Singing this into being

Thru all existence

In The Great Light

Bright Crystal Light

Arise In To This

The song of life

See the beauty of all there is every moment. everything we see every object, every mark, every step ,  Such a marvellous revelation.

in this month,  celebrated by so many ways. this month of love  this moment of love .

This Unknown Place

Revealing, reducing, unraveling the known of my life, resting in this moment in the fullness of this deep deep resting

Arrise like this

World Wakes, the last star and the first birds, gratitude and such resting in my heart, deep deep in my heart. Sensing all this and more Tenderness vulnerableness and the Deep beauty of being.

These days, these precious days, just my father and I. So much learning, so much challenge. Profoundly grateful that, in the turmoil and poigniancy of this I feel so held, so much of the time. To be part of, witness and feel all this as the disintegrating of my Fathers mind and body is sucha gift as it continues apace, this is such a painful, poigniant and life affirming thing. And, this star with its great beauty greated me this morning. Blessing

My Mother's heart damage - Gift Guidance

Three days ago my Mother ended up in hospital, they found her heart has had some damage.  200 miles away I felt, unknowing of the situation, my heart hurting.  How interconnected we are, and maybe more so to our Mothers, than to any other human being.  As I rest for a moment in this,  I feel this awareness and sense deepen, and layers of an unfolding falling away as I feel how deeply connected my heart is to everyone and all things.