Bex is dead - more revealed : Facing, experiencing the indescribable

Rebecca Lublinski
 in "a very old man with enormous wings"; Choreography Ismael Ivo

I will never fully understand why you took your life…….

And yet...... I sense and search for such deep understanding. .....

So inbuilt in our society, in our language,  is  oppression, is judgement .

How to describe this , the effects , the result of this jumping off your bed with rope around your neck hanging there until you stopped breathing and your heart stopped beating…...

Taking……

Committing…..

Ending….

Finally…..

How I perceive it… is not a clean slate…..   

I wish I could find a way of describing this without this linguistic layering and distortion.

For a moment, a fleeting glimpse of feeling of  spaciousness……

A welcome relief, from these quick full thoughts.

This is the edge of reality of welcoming…

Last night , I cried, big deep tears ….. 11years on, still there are moments of unexpected… deep deep grief….

This washing thru of such feeling, such powerful feelings…. Bodyfull feeling…..

And, now, this moment, such deep full warm love, warmth in my chest….

These last days, I've run from the pain…..

how easy to also judge that……

How quick the mind, the patterns…..

And

Despite the thinking, even with such awareness,  there is …… this….. feeling life….

There are these thinking thoughts

They happen, they are  revealed.  ......

I search for them, I search for understanding. Understanding of this something……

Today, it is like the waves are both more choppy, and,  calm …. still….. deep feeling… and white light blank bright empty.  

And, flashes of fragments of memories, of the stories of the last moments of the last days 11years ago.

What is it that needs to happen, now, in relation to this, in relation to Rebecca, in relation to my heart, and thoughts and feelings…..?

An image flickers in, of a swimmer, swimming fast , out to sea in the wild waves, increasing rain and darkening clouds.  So fast, the imperative of this furious swimming.  Swimming with such precision, fear and force as , yet the waves grow even bigger. Wilder waves. Until….

Instant, bright, light…..

Perception? Or deception?

Of

Reality….?

My heart feels warm and full as I think of you Bex. And , at the same time, the waterfall of tears tip tap at the edges of my eyelids.

I am tired, from little sleep, ….. and washed thru by such raw ripping emotions…….

What does this day hold, how to be with this, in integrity, with all the different parts of experiencing?.....

What is my next evolutionary heart step with this….?  

Realy,...... when, ego, superego thoughts of filters of various favours, inheritance of family line, and cultural society,  …….

This is a multi coloured  palette of many coloured paints,  They swirl and shift,  arranging and rearranging themselves,  into piles of paint, 3D images,  and rich, to muddy, conflagerations.

My heart feels touched, such warmth of love, such tiredness.

Is there a prayer to pray, other than this…….   This moment of the hearts noticing, of the unravelling of the unpeeling of some of the layers of my perception and thinking?

Bex, I love you. Such love in the warm centre depth of my heart, and single tear slides down my cheek. Yes, too, unknown feelings of sadness, and so many flavours.

I resist, I welcome, I look for. There is revelation, and there is a conscious looking.  

And, so it is.   

And here I am.  This day, this moment…..   grateful and hopeless,  present and disassociating, avoiding and welcoming.  These are the waves and flavours of life.

Thank you Bex, for what we shared.  And what we missed.  

With Gratitude;  love and grief.

I can't make this one better….  

And, so it is that I am touched…….

Possibility from the Pressure

Today, I have been so acutely aware of several places where people I know are experiencing painful situations. In much of society there are echoes of this, and this time of year of Celebration, with joy focus, also carries with it such shadow.

Such beauty and such poignancy........ Feeling all this and being willing to include feeling both the song of the joy and the song of the pain, carries with it a gift, a potentiality. 

Meeting such reality in the places of pressure, calls and invites me to notice too, the cracks where the light starts to pour in. 

This requests me to take care where I place my attention. . . . .

Welcoming reality how do I influence ?

More and more I am interested in meeting closer and closer the direct experience of life in my day to day and all that is happening in the world around.  

More and more I notice the need to do this sustainably deeply, heartfully, as I meet life, in its raw, unveiled, 'as it is'ness, in the wideness depth and fullness of how I respond.  

Here it is, that I notice so so many different kinds of exquisite resonances and responses that happen in me and in the atmosphere of the spaces I am in.

This video, by a high school student, has somehow manged to reveal so much. Seeing this inspires and deepens the question in me of how to wake up more fully to what is happening around me amidst the wave after wave of interactions and shifting constellations of personal, societal and global events and interactions.

 

I am left with the question of how, even more, I can, be with myself so that when I ask questions and have interactions and reflections, that there will be such an unveiling and welcoming as happened in this video.

#loveintheordinaryworld #welcomereality