amazed by this life!! music, coaching, creativity, lateral thinking, transformation; my passion and joy

Monday, July 11, 2005

Am I 'better' now?

I've recently, over the last couple weeks, been asked several times if I'm "better now?". Well . .. immediately I think ... there's nothing to get better from ... though I understand the heart place the question, usually, comes from - Better... like not feeling so much pain or having so much emotions flooding over ... in that way yes . . . . at least on the surface, and in a recognizing space of what is there, and that continues, on and off, to surface.

10 days ago a BIG wave did hit .. like I thought (and have a sense that others have this thought too) that I 'should' really be able to get on with life now ... Well... it's still been hard to understand and come to terms with such a BIG shaking up ... and I , and other people go in and out of the various stages of grief , in relation to that.

And I've had, even in the last days, quite a few other realisations, and process thought/feelings in relation to Bex suicide (but it feels like not something to share here, that much any more).

It *does* feel like that if someone hasn't experienced something like this, there's a level of experiential understanding of the depths of this process, that is just not there. I haven't been able to live my life in the same way over the last couple of months, and right now it seems like I don't know if I ever will.

I'm aware of a 'give up' kind of energy ... which feels like a possible kind of trap, though I have been and will continue to feel, enquire, about what's going on , and discuss with others and move this in and through my body. (I continue to be grateful for the people that check in with me ... more the, 'to make contact', rather than in any expectation of, or need for, an update. I'm also grateful for the part of me that continues to reach out!)

and, so, meanwhile . . . .

I just did a 4 day movement workshop with an Prapto (AMAZING!!) [ Blog to type up about that later]. This week I go do some relief care work, caring for older folk in a nearby(ish) residential home. It feels like something that I can easily do - just working being and 'caring'. Not having to 'create' anything ... or develop my work ... Feels right to let it sit, kind of continue to be in a space of haveing let it go ( could be EXACTLY what is needed to develop it!) just to let it sit and and let it evolve ... allowing what ever is there to arise.

That being said, I'm excited about what took place at the workshops I ran at Quest and the Integral NLP conference last weekend; and the request from David Grove to spend a few days with him sharing more with him about what I do. Also inspired by the request to go to London and play for a Contact Improvisation weekend at the Moving Arts Base, and the possibility of running a Moving Sound weekend there.