amazed by this life!! music, coaching, creativity, lateral thinking, transformation; my passion and joy

Friday, May 13, 2016

Bex is dead - more revealed : Facing, experiencing the indescribable

Rebecca Lublinski
 in "a very old man with enormous wings"; Choreography Ismael Ivo

I will never fully understand why you took your life…….
And yet...... I sense and search for such deep understanding. .....

So inbuilt in our society, in our language,  is  oppression, is judgement .

How to describe this , the effects , the result of this jumping off your bed with rope around your neck hanging there until you stopped breathing and your heart stopped beating…...



How I perceive it… is not a clean slate…..   
I wish I could find a way of describing this without this linguistic layering and distortion.

For a moment, a fleeting glimpse of feeling of  spaciousness……

A welcome relief, from these quick full thoughts.
This is the edge of reality of welcoming…

Last night , I cried, big deep tears ….. 11years on, still there are moments of unexpected… deep deep grief….

This washing thru of such feeling, such powerful feelings…. Bodyfull feeling…..

And, now, this moment, such deep full warm love, warmth in my chest….

These last days, I've run from the pain…..

how easy to also judge that……
How quick the mind, the patterns…..


Despite the thinking, even with such awareness,  there is …… this….. feeling life….
There are these thinking thoughts

They happen, they are  revealed.  ......

I search for them, I search for understanding. Understanding of this something……

Today, it is like the waves are both more choppy, and,  calm …. still….. deep feeling… and white light blank bright empty.  

And, flashes of fragments of memories, of the stories of the last moments of the last days 11years ago.

What is it that needs to happen, now, in relation to this, in relation to Rebecca, in relation to my heart, and thoughts and feelings…..?

An image flickers in, of a swimmer, swimming fast , out to sea in the wild waves, increasing rain and darkening clouds.  So fast, the imperative of this furious swimming.  Swimming with such precision, fear and force as , yet the waves grow even bigger. Wilder waves. Until….

Instant, bright, light…..

Perception? Or deception?

My heart feels warm and full as I think of you Bex. And , at the same time, the waterfall of tears tip tap at the edges of my eyelids.

I am tired, from little sleep, ….. and washed thru by such raw ripping emotions…….

What does this day hold, how to be with this, in integrity, with all the different parts of experiencing?.....

What is my next evolutionary heart step with this….?  
Realy,...... when, ego, superego thoughts of filters of various favours, inheritance of family line, and cultural society,  …….

This is a multi coloured  palette of many coloured paints,  They swirl and shift,  arranging and rearranging themselves,  into piles of paint, 3D images,  and rich, to muddy, conflagerations.

My heart feels touched, such warmth of love, such tiredness.

Is there a prayer to pray, other than this…….   This moment of the hearts noticing, of the unravelling of the unpeeling of some of the layers of my perception and thinking?

Bex, I love you. Such love in the warm centre depth of my heart, and single tear slides down my cheek. Yes, too, unknown feelings of sadness, and so many flavours.

I resist, I welcome, I look for. There is revelation, and there is a conscious looking.  

And, so it is.   
And here I am.  This day, this moment…..   grateful and hopeless,  present and disassociating, avoiding and welcoming.  These are the waves and flavours of life.

Thank you Bex, for what we shared.  And what we missed.  

With Gratitude;  love and grief.

I can't make this one better….  
And, so it is that I am touched…….

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Trust Deeply

I hunt the words and world's of my life.  They are,  simply,  revealed in all their complexity and simplicity,  culpability and innocence.  I am humbled and rest, in my power and gentleness.  Trusting more this life, and this process of unfolding, becoming. ... nothing more than who I am.
I learn and grow into nothing and everything, in this, simple, profound ordinary life.  Grasping  and longing, letting go, and holding on tght.  Can I see what is there to be seen, in this day, today,  in this my life.  Fully part of all things,  it cannot be any other way.