Bex is dead - more revealed : Facing, experiencing the indescribable

Rebecca Lublinski
 in "a very old man with enormous wings"; Choreography Ismael Ivo

I will never fully understand why you took your life…….

And yet...... I sense and search for such deep understanding. .....

So inbuilt in our society, in our language,  is  oppression, is judgement .

How to describe this , the effects , the result of this jumping off your bed with rope around your neck hanging there until you stopped breathing and your heart stopped beating…...

Taking……

Committing…..

Ending….

Finally…..

How I perceive it… is not a clean slate…..   

I wish I could find a way of describing this without this linguistic layering and distortion.

For a moment, a fleeting glimpse of feeling of  spaciousness……

A welcome relief, from these quick full thoughts.

This is the edge of reality of welcoming…

Last night , I cried, big deep tears ….. 11years on, still there are moments of unexpected… deep deep grief….

This washing thru of such feeling, such powerful feelings…. Bodyfull feeling…..

And, now, this moment, such deep full warm love, warmth in my chest….

These last days, I've run from the pain…..

how easy to also judge that……

How quick the mind, the patterns…..

And

Despite the thinking, even with such awareness,  there is …… this….. feeling life….

There are these thinking thoughts

They happen, they are  revealed.  ......

I search for them, I search for understanding. Understanding of this something……

Today, it is like the waves are both more choppy, and,  calm …. still….. deep feeling… and white light blank bright empty.  

And, flashes of fragments of memories, of the stories of the last moments of the last days 11years ago.

What is it that needs to happen, now, in relation to this, in relation to Rebecca, in relation to my heart, and thoughts and feelings…..?

An image flickers in, of a swimmer, swimming fast , out to sea in the wild waves, increasing rain and darkening clouds.  So fast, the imperative of this furious swimming.  Swimming with such precision, fear and force as , yet the waves grow even bigger. Wilder waves. Until….

Instant, bright, light…..

Perception? Or deception?

Of

Reality….?

My heart feels warm and full as I think of you Bex. And , at the same time, the waterfall of tears tip tap at the edges of my eyelids.

I am tired, from little sleep, ….. and washed thru by such raw ripping emotions…….

What does this day hold, how to be with this, in integrity, with all the different parts of experiencing?.....

What is my next evolutionary heart step with this….?  

Realy,...... when, ego, superego thoughts of filters of various favours, inheritance of family line, and cultural society,  …….

This is a multi coloured  palette of many coloured paints,  They swirl and shift,  arranging and rearranging themselves,  into piles of paint, 3D images,  and rich, to muddy, conflagerations.

My heart feels touched, such warmth of love, such tiredness.

Is there a prayer to pray, other than this…….   This moment of the hearts noticing, of the unravelling of the unpeeling of some of the layers of my perception and thinking?

Bex, I love you. Such love in the warm centre depth of my heart, and single tear slides down my cheek. Yes, too, unknown feelings of sadness, and so many flavours.

I resist, I welcome, I look for. There is revelation, and there is a conscious looking.  

And, so it is.   

And here I am.  This day, this moment…..   grateful and hopeless,  present and disassociating, avoiding and welcoming.  These are the waves and flavours of life.

Thank you Bex, for what we shared.  And what we missed.  

With Gratitude;  love and grief.

I can't make this one better….  

And, so it is that I am touched…….

My Mother's heart damage - Gift Guidance

Three days ago my Mother ended up in hospital, they found her heart has had some damage.  200 miles away I felt, unknowing of the situation, my heart hurting.  How interconnected we are, and maybe more so to our Mothers, than to any other human being.  As I rest for a moment in this,  I feel this awareness and sense deepen, and layers of an unfolding falling away as I feel how deeply connected my heart is to everyone and all things. 

Someone killed my sister #RestorativeJustice #Suicide #EvolutionaryPotential

Someone killed my sister.  Grateful for #restorativejustice Ohhh.... could there be an equivalent? '#suicide

some notes from this mornings journal 10 years on.

Looking forward to meeting my sisters killer and to reconciliation......

so... that means... meeting her,

and

she is not here to email, txt or call... to meet and start that process...

10 years on - "Bex Took Her Life"

Bex would have appreciated that May 13th, the day she chose to take her life was in the midst of Mental Health Awareness week, (if it had been around in 2005) as well as Friday 13th, of which I am sure she was well aware.

This year, 10 years on, the grief I feel has a different flavour today. The tenderness and tears, is held in the field of and my awareness that it is MHA week, and also touched by reading this morning of someone who chose to take their life because (the trigger was) that they could not afford the Bedroom Tax ..... 

I do not know what the trigger was for Bex to decide to take her life (though the 1st two weeks of May 2005 gave me many many insights) Nothing in all the wonderful tools I have been blessed with over the years could hold the ripping thru and meeting the raw direct experience of that pain.

Today as I created this offering of my love for sister, and the tears streamed wet down my cheeks, I feel .... sad, and ... grateful. Sad that Bex felt that the only way out was to take her life, and grateful that I am still so touched by being able to feel how this was then, and how it touches me still and , possibly, that in all this a gift of her death, was to teach me to be just a bit more compassionate.

Bex in one of my Favorite Recordings

Each year ... another  year .. passing ...  and touched so deeply raw this year.  moved to deep big full tears and ...   a sense of heat and a subtle shaking in my upper body .. and all through me.

To be alive is SUCH an amazing thing.  to be reminded and to have been so close to your choice Bex, to end your life. I feel ..... such gratitude to you for the gift to have faced death in such a powerful visceral way. It is one of the most extraordinary, painful and treasured gifts in my life.

Last night I could not go to sleep.. something in me kept me up, singing and playing and playing and playing and often thinking of you until .. the light of dawn crept into the day as I fell asleep at 5am.
 
This morning as I felt my way into the day, and without realisign the time, prepared to light a candle .....  at 10:00am .... amazed grateful and touched to visit that exact time.  

This year, I feel more than ever, the web of people around the world touched by this, ... felling and sending love... it is such a palpable thing ... and .. that too is part of the gift you bring Bex,, and offer me and others as an opportunity  to .. get more in touch with  a direct felt of senes  of meeting this, and meeting life ever more directly.  

thank you, thank you, thank you .. and love to you dear sister.

Grief and gratitude - Bex would have been 50 Today

Bex, If you were here, I'd hold your hands, look deep into your eyes, with such gratitude for feeling such connection with you
and say:

"What a gift you are. I love your wild, free, tender spirit; Happy Birthday Bex . .. I love you..."

miss you sis...
tears ...

missing you .... loving you

Deep in my heart.. I know ...somewhere, that it's ok that you ended your heart beating body breathing life... ...

I am so very grateful that you came into this world ... and for.... all the many things we shared.

and ...... ahhhh...

so nourished now, by the sense of connection, warmth and love I feel as ... I ... contemplate your birth, your 50th Birthday. I wonder .. what celebration you would have had? ...as was your way, no doubt it would have been gloriously colourful and free!!!

Physician, Heal Thyself

A Surgeon talking about his experiences of being with people as they die. Physician, Heal Thyself
powerful, poignant, insigtful.

this is the life you live

12mins of music and words from morning enquiry
PLAY

or to download, right click and 'save as' (11.4mb)

More & more . . . . releasing

More & more . . . . releasing
letting go of the Plan. Not even
'praying' for what I want . . is
this, could this now be a
deeper Level of trust . . . Before
TOO MUCH effort . Now . . I am
more grateful, easeful for my life.

I have some concern of
~ will I get 'it' done ~ Maybe
it no longer matters . . .
. . . getting it, or not . . .
perhaps I can & am allowing
it to all unfold . . allowing the
new reference points
to emerge . . to Land .

no effortful 'should' following ups
. . What, deep in my heart
do I want , what & where
is the flow & joy . . or, actually
the strong YES, the grounded
spacious open YES . . where,
it all matches up . . & for now
I dance in the spaciousness of
my life .

~ responsible . . responsibility
. . . maybe there is in the 'carelessness' more
response-ability instead of the
seeming Less. ~ is there congruence?
Effort .. in that question . . is there
the vibrant , dancing nervous/scared
excited heart. Saying
YES , yes to my life now
in this moment . fragment,
imperfect flawed. Still
I say YES

It all arises anyway, and
comes to pass . . . I s o l a t e d ?
I create, co-create my life,
and thru commitment to the
daily tasks of action to care
for my physical & emotional,
spiritual health, I live my life.

My Life o p e n s up, moves
on towards certain Death.
I experience my life now
and experience & practice
the letting go deaths of
this moment to moment
re arranging landscape of
my life. It has always been so.
now it is as if it appears
more so. The reference
points shift & change
with new unfamiliar
experiences
this is as it has
always been . Now
I dance with in my life

Sadness plays in my face & in
my heart . this too is so,
this too is part of this
changing condition of
this human existence .
I resist it . . . I flow
with it . How extraordinary
and . . . one day I wake up
here no more

aware of my own death and preciousness of life

As I wake this morning I have such a strong awareness of the reality of my death, and such a sense of the preciousness of life.