What I'm focusing on now - the rest of my life is now deleted or in someday maybe

Except for playing music, I've decided to allow myself to pretty much give *everything * up - ALL other projects are now in Someday Maybe, or deleted; Realised it's all been just too much to try and focus and make anything happen.

Currently I'm simply continuing to do a couple of days relief care work in an old folks home and continue to take life pretty much one day at a time.

Today I started to look at what needs looking into in terms of the emails and tasks - hope fully not missed too many important things. . .. - whatever important is !! I have over 300 emails that have accumulated in my inbox since 13th May - Bec's suicide. Am SO behind on 'stuff' . . . . - It's a relief, and scary, to just accept that and to move into a space of letting it go and trusting that whatever is going to emerge will.

My big grand visions ... will they ever materialise ... who knows ... for now it feels right to simply let it be, and see. - Some people will probably 'get' this, others maybe not. .. . it's interesting to notice who it is that connects with me, and who I feel called to connect with . . the others - may be there will be a reconnecting the future, or not .. I guess I'll find out!!

Pain, peace openness and love

To hold & contain - be with and understand the oh so much pain in the world . . . The 'open books' of peoples lives.

"Shocked to the edge of myself"? is this, how much is this a reality.? Unsafe in the world . . . wanting tender love . . tender care . . . simply to be loved . . . When, in this world of human existence, we are wounded broken people bumping one on and with another, looking for the peace externally . .. running through life . . searching for 'ways' to 'create peace'; this no longer functions when life hammers loudly on the door of my existence. Peace, Peace at all costs. Such a desperate violence in that, and in stopping, feeling my thin glass skin cover fragileness . . . again and again wounding as the shards of glass cut deeply in the breaking. Oh Sun .... sunshine dissolve & melts this . . Love lovingly creating the crystal chalice, which receives & overflows with the nectar of Life. Peace peace now - Peace in our Time my soul calls for this now.

I call in love so that I can live more confidently, acceptingly, compassionalty in my life. Loving ... peacefully, peaceably in my life . . I open to the Joy of life . whilst also noticing & feeling the pain. WHAT is is, and, I cannot drive to peace & confidence and, yet, do NOT want to live in Pain & Fear . . or desperation of life crawling barely . . crawling, barely alive.

SO . . . too . Sound of chant and Move of Body resonance Exploration this is important , also, in this enquiry . . dissolving . .. transformation. Allowing again & again, my heart to break open.

Bex Memorial website, origin of my name, and Personal pages on my website

I've been involved the last couple of days with the setting up of the Memorial Celebration for Bex life. As part of that I've started a memorial web site for her and been talking with the theatre about what's going to work easily. Guess that's partly how come I felt wobbly for much of yesterday!!

The memorial website is at www.christofferdegraal.com/bec

My sister Judith, has been letting people know about the celebration and, as result, wanted to be able to tell people about how come my last name is de Graal. http://www.christofferdegraal.com/fandf/cdgnameorigin.html

It;s part of the start of my personal web pages, which I've been thinking of doing for a LONG time !

Nourishing Energy and The Mary Line @ Tedburn-St-Mary Church

SO grateful for this space right now; as I walked towards the door feeling the stream of energy that runs through this place. - How extraordinary that, simply being here, I feel SUCH joy. . .. expansiveness . .. haven't 'done' anything .. . simply come into this energy stream .. . and I am held and nurtured . . . . WOW

What this points to is . .. how open I am .. . feeling places and people .. . it's as if I can 'read' .. 'feel/read' them (energies and stories of people and things that have happened in places before) . Like last night in Newquay, and the holiday 'pick up' vibe there.

Yet again, I'm reminded to be more conscious about what I am open too . . . otherwise I pick up this stuff without realising it . . .. even, 'simply', on the thought level. I need to be conscious when it is ok to open, in fact open up *more* to what it is that nourishes me .. . and, when to not be so open, to not open to the things, energies, and people where, afterwards I feel drained; consciously setting a filter to not allow that stuff in, not allow it to stick, for it to flow through ... run off. - then there is no fear or energy needed to 'keep it out'. It simply does not effect me negatively.....

I am grateful right now for this knowing about this, that I receive ... that I have. With this now, I realise that I am safe ... *deeply* safe in this changing world and in places and with people where I do not receive a positive supportive energy coming towards me..

Always everywhere it is possible to connect with the nourishing energy of life, even when it is not the main or major component that is being animated or amplified. I choose now to be-come more aware of that, live more in and within and from that place of awareness of knowing that; even within the pain and struggle places of my life... of life...

Tedburn-St-Mary Church is on the Mary Line that criss crosses, along with the Micheal line, the ley line that runs through the South of England (see the 'Sun and the Serpent' ISBN 0951518313 for more info)

Dancing in the waves

I went to the beach and danced in the waves -what * joy* !!

Stages in the grieving process - taking it's time!

Though the daily grief and other painful places have stopped in connection with Bec's suicide, I'm finding that it's important for me to continue to allow all the parts and stages of the grieving process, and am learning more to accept it's own timing. It seems to go in stages and I'm now noticing bigger and longer 'waves' over time of emotions.

I continue to find that, as well as acceptance and the bigger picture, sometimes something arises in me or is triggered by something I see or hear that brings up feelings of anger, blame and guilt - though less frequent, the power of them is sometimes still shocking; I continue to find it important to allow those to be there - when they are .. because that is what is there .. when it is ! (if you know what I mean !!?!)

I remember one day last year when a dear friend of mine Carmella went through something VERY grief filled in relation to her Son's death *many* years before ... It was triggered by a passing comment, seemingly nothing , (could have been nothing ) but touched her on a deep level, triggered something very deep . . . she howled very deeply ... and something that had been buried was release after many MANY years. - Whilst not wanting to search for or create those painful places, I pray that I have the courage and wisdom to notice and allow them to be there when they are. Somehow I trust that it may seem as if I do not have the choice (and that's the choice I'm making in relation to that process).

To find out more about Carmella and her extraordinary work go to www.mourninghasbroken.co.uk

Relief care work - residential home for older people

Today I did a 'shadow shift' at a residential home for elderly people. There's actually nothing that had really prepared me for such an experience .. working there for 7 hours is very different from the short visits I did as a teenager to see my grandfather in a care home and visiting several other people in care situations since.

What an extraordinary thing ... this getting old, and the need of being looked after in such a way. -- I knew the words 'personal care needs' and kind of knew what it meant. . . but .. . . what a sight, a 92 year old body, how the sagging flesh hangs on the bones .. . . not able to walk, or go to the toilet or wash unaided, -- this too, is how the human being can be .. . . NO face lifts or skin tucks, or goals. I had in this place a sense of a 'hotel', people checking in, to check out, and the so few possessions.

Within all this, and thru the day I was so grateful for the grounding I have in my spiritual practice, personal development awareness skills and to have done the recent movement work with Prapto and the Core Energy work with William Bloom.

This morning at 07:30, just before the shift, I went into the nearby park and, with still dew wet grass I moved barefoot .. and dropped deeper into my body. . . and the grass, and trees, and people passing through the park. how grateful I am to be able to do that. Through the day it reminded me to drop in and SO helped me hold myself through the pained non verbal crying of the woman with no speech trying to communicate her needs , the over many years 'resigned' comments of some of the staff,, the woman having an epileptic fit .. . shortly joined again by her husband and daughter. daughter in distress .. then the fear ripple that went thru as one of the relatives said that her father had complained about being bullied. and the heat, SO much heat amplifying it all.

Feeling SO grateful to just 'be' and 'wash the dishes' through all this, and love people . .. no matter what. I could feel the reaction ripple through my body, ( shock, fear, anger. . . ) noticing and holding that, letting it melt and being able to hold the space within all that's not in that situation that is SO under resourced and with such a sense of struggle and rush . .. though such love there too . .. .

Bless the hearts of those who are caring there, many for many years. This experience, though it does *not* feel like my major or main career path in my life, for now . . I sense that it is and has a rightness about me being there and doing it . .. something important about it.

WOW, yet another deeply profound experience, which moves yet again the landscape of my life . . . I feel like I'm doing some kind of advanced level learning course . . !!

And, with all these experiences so far this year, I wonder ... what IS my work to be... what is the main focus ... the reason for doing and being ..... this ( all that I am doing) .. now.

More & more . . . . releasing

More & more . . . . releasing
letting go of the Plan. Not even
'praying' for what I want . . is
this, could this now be a
deeper Level of trust . . . Before
TOO MUCH effort . Now . . I am
more grateful, easeful for my life.

I have some concern of
~ will I get 'it' done ~ Maybe
it no longer matters . . .
. . . getting it, or not . . .
perhaps I can & am allowing
it to all unfold . . allowing the
new reference points
to emerge . . to Land .

no effortful 'should' following ups
. . What, deep in my heart
do I want , what & where
is the flow & joy . . or, actually
the strong YES, the grounded
spacious open YES . . where,
it all matches up . . & for now
I dance in the spaciousness of
my life .

~ responsible . . responsibility
. . . maybe there is in the 'carelessness' more
response-ability instead of the
seeming Less. ~ is there congruence?
Effort .. in that question . . is there
the vibrant , dancing nervous/scared
excited heart. Saying
YES , yes to my life now
in this moment . fragment,
imperfect flawed. Still
I say YES

It all arises anyway, and
comes to pass . . . I s o l a t e d ?
I create, co-create my life,
and thru commitment to the
daily tasks of action to care
for my physical & emotional,
spiritual health, I live my life.

My Life o p e n s up, moves
on towards certain Death.
I experience my life now
and experience & practice
the letting go deaths of
this moment to moment
re arranging landscape of
my life. It has always been so.
now it is as if it appears
more so. The reference
points shift & change
with new unfamiliar
experiences
this is as it has
always been . Now
I dance with in my life

Sadness plays in my face & in
my heart . this too is so,
this too is part of this
changing condition of
this human existence .
I resist it . . . I flow
with it . How extraordinary
and . . . one day I wake up
here no more

Am I 'better' now?

I've recently, over the last couple weeks, been asked several times if I'm "better now?". Well . .. immediately I think ... there's nothing to get better from ... though I understand the heart place the question, usually, comes from - Better... like not feeling so much pain or having so much emotions flooding over ... in that way yes . . . . at least on the surface, and in a recognizing space of what is there, and that continues, on and off, to surface.

10 days ago a BIG wave did hit .. like I thought (and have a sense that others have this thought too) that I 'should' really be able to get on with life now ... Well... it's still been hard to understand and come to terms with such a BIG shaking up ... and I , and other people go in and out of the various stages of grief , in relation to that.

And I've had, even in the last days, quite a few other realisations, and process thought/feelings in relation to Bex suicide (but it feels like not something to share here, that much any more).

It *does* feel like that if someone hasn't experienced something like this, there's a level of experiential understanding of the depths of this process, that is just not there. I haven't been able to live my life in the same way over the last couple of months, and right now it seems like I don't know if I ever will.

I'm aware of a 'give up' kind of energy ... which feels like a possible kind of trap, though I have been and will continue to feel, enquire, about what's going on , and discuss with others and move this in and through my body. (I continue to be grateful for the people that check in with me ... more the, 'to make contact', rather than in any expectation of, or need for, an update. I'm also grateful for the part of me that continues to reach out!)

and, so, meanwhile . . . .

I just did a 4 day movement workshop with an Prapto (AMAZING!!) [ Blog to type up about that later]. This week I go do some relief care work, caring for older folk in a nearby(ish) residential home. It feels like something that I can easily do - just working being and 'caring'. Not having to 'create' anything ... or develop my work ... Feels right to let it sit, kind of continue to be in a space of haveing let it go ( could be EXACTLY what is needed to develop it!) just to let it sit and and let it evolve ... allowing what ever is there to arise.

That being said, I'm excited about what took place at the workshops I ran at Quest and the Integral NLP conference last weekend; and the request from David Grove to spend a few days with him sharing more with him about what I do. Also inspired by the request to go to London and play for a Contact Improvisation weekend at the Moving Arts Base, and the possibility of running a Moving Sound weekend there.

Gift and possibility in Bec's parting

It's felt as if my life was thrown up in the air over the last couple of months. It now, slowly, starts to feel that some of the pieces of are starting to land again .. though it's very much still a new landscape; I'm conscious much of the time now, that there is a gift and possibility in all this, that this can be a great positive change point.

I still feel the pain of Bex parting, it's not that it's gone away... in fact the poignancy of it feels important. Part of it is also that the waves of emotions are not so frequent now, though still (mostly) they are surprising when they come -and sometimes with awesome raw intensity, however, I'm starting to get used to it, to now have that as a somewhat 'known' experience.

I continue to be SO grateful for the gift of the dance, to feel and move in my body through and with this journey. I also continue to feel the blessing from all that SO many people did when I told them about Bex suicide. It is still totally amazing the amount of love that people reach out with from the depths of their hearts; I am very very grateful.

Circle of fire

How fantastic, I can now add images to my Blog. Earlier in the year I took a series of photos in my studio late one night, using slow shutter speeds of a circle of 20 candles. This is one picture I particularly like.