amazed by this life!! music, coaching, creativity, lateral thinking, transformation; my passion and joy

Thursday, June 30, 2005

The oil crash and a commitment to a new way of living

I visited my parents 2 days ago for tea. Some friends of theirs were visiting with their teenage son who's at university. We started talking about what's taking place with the dwindling of non renewable resources (something my dad introduced to me 30 years ago at a Friends of the earth meeting, and when the Blue Print for Survival was produced and predicted things starting to really kick in in this decade.) Also some of the things I'd heard at the Be The Change conference earlier in the year. I've also had some more conversations recently with a friend of mine who used to work for Shell. Things ARE getting *much* closer now. I've been feeling and saying this over the last few years, but now it's really staring to sink in and getting out there.
I just did a search on the web for "oil running out" - there's quite a bit out there now, including an article yesterday 'Is the world's oil running out fast?' on the BBC website

There's one website that puts things pretty succinctly Well worth a read. And we're talking not just oil, but all the associated things of food and societal changes, and majorly linked to that a major crash of US dollar.
SO ... what this does, is put things.. this life, into a sharper perspective.. times are changing. It REALLY challenges me and calls me to shift to an even more conscious, heart centred, compassionate way of living. - I renew now my commitment to that and make a call/prayer for that in my life. - It's really important !

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

It's all empty and meaning less ... and empty and meaningless is meaningful

In one the many conversations I've had over the last couple of months, as my life is being reframed, I was talking with a friend about all this stuff going on. (They are VERY deep, spiritual, caring insightful person) We were discussing the seeming inappropriateness of Bec killing herself, and of so many things that take place in our lives and in the world. Part of my friends input really stuck with me: "Life's inappropriate ...there are just two things that are appropriate, watching TV and shagging!" (It's all empty and meaning less ... and empty and meaningless is meaningful) Hmmmm I thought .. I don't have a TV and I'm not in a relationship ... how inappropriate ... !

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Choose to live?

I walked out of the garage this morning and a baby bird, bearly feathered, dropped out of a nest, and fell on the ground at my feet, totally still as if dead . It sent me into quite a spin .. . Bird felt very cold as I held in my hands .. so much love 4 it. then I noticed a twitch of its foot and it 's so shallow breathing.... trying to open it's mouth to call .. - no sound ... will it choose to live. . . . it closed it's eyes and slept. I placed it in the warm sun . . . several times I checked to see how it was doing ... still not clear if it would choose to live .... a parent bird came nearby and called ... no move .. then the parent hoped next to it, called again ... it stirred and called back. I left them bird to bird. - next I checked, it was gone.
this 'will it live' felt SO similar to what was going on for Rebecca.
how precious life is

Monday, June 20, 2005

Recharging and refocusing, it doesn't take long

By mid afternoon today, I noticed again that I felt quite an energy drop, and lack of focus. How simple it was to take just 20 mins and go out into the forest and lie down in the sun amongst the trees. I now feel SO refreshed and enlivened, and ready to create again, do what needs to be done; I'm grateful.

Maybe now I can allow myself to do this just a bit sooner, and to value this as important too, without having some dramatic thing bring me to a place of 'having' to do it, because of illness or some other kind of trauma . . . just simply because it is something that is important for me to do, and that I want to do, and that it flows easily and freely!

Friday, June 17, 2005

5 weeks on - the wave of love resulting from Bec's death

I'm feeling SO blessed by so much in my life, and am still in *such* amazement and gratitude for how people responded to my request to do some kind of blessing around the time of Bec's Cremation and ritual to scatter her ashes & plant a tree.
There has been SUCH an outpouring of love around the planet ... with SO many people opening their hearts to what is . .. the pain and grief and ALL the other powerful places of such loss that we experience in this being human - it's one of the gifts of the shock of Bec choosing to die in the way she did.
It has and continues to move me, and others I have shared this with, into places unknown, or that need revisiting ... The support and blessings I've received have been and are extraordinary.
I'm SO grateful to have been able to help this wave of love go around the planet. Over 100 people that I know emailed me form all over the world [I'd chosen people it felt important to let know, even a few I'd only met a couple of times] People wrote back form throughout the Uk, America, Australia, Bali, New Zealand, Belgium, France) all with some kind of heartful thing they did in response.
People shared SUCH a wide range of things they did (traditional and non traditional rituals and prayers: Kaddish, Mass, Native American, Aztec, intuitive guidance, Japanese Buddhist chanting, Tibetan Buddhist prayers and ritual) Everyone resonating with and responding form a different place of the grief process
One amazing thing is, because I got reflected back the WHOLE spectrum of response to Bec's death, I got a deeper understanding of what was and is taking place - People responded across the whole range, from complete acceptance & knowing, to anger & rage. It's helped and helps allow what is there in me (and in others as I've shared this with them) It continues to help it move through all the different places in this grieving and readjustment to life.
Another very powerful thing has been the HUGE number of people (about 20 or 30) who have shared their stories of - "Oh... my brother, partner, sister, best friend did the same thing" . . . it's really surprised me how many people.
- I may not write much more about this, for a while, as it feels like it's moving on (though I will be posting something about the Cremation and Ash scattering/Tree planting ceremony . . because it was *quite extraordinary*)
As I finish writing this I've just realised that it's now 5 weeks since Bec hung herself - still the flickers and shadows of the total grief places dance there ... and somehow, right now, I have bit more acceptance of allowing it all ... how it is.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

knowing and excepting unexpected up welling of emotions

This is now the 3rd day where I now have more of a positive sense of life; several days in a row that I've felt this way - what a relief. It's not that anything's changed really - Bec is still dead - It's just that ... now I'm settling into accepting and getting to know, even make friends with the still sudden and unexpected up welling of emotions. --- driving along in the car, or doing some other day to day thing like washing the dishes and all of a sudden, as if form nowhere, an up welling of emotion and the tears flow. . . The difference now is that I seem to start to be able to just be with it and know that it will pass (though when it comes it's pretty total).

I have a sense that this may well continue that way, perhaps even for the rest of my life, and it's actually *really* ok that it's that way. What's starting to shift is that I have the sense of knowing this place more and being able to 'hold' it.

As my friend Jes said with/from the wizard doll "be so very gentle with yourself" ... whew .. now THAT's a big lesson that I start to understand a bit more now, and needed to know more of for years - thanks Bec for the gifting of that.

Friday, June 10, 2005

moving in and out of focus

Moving in and out of 'Focus' . . . Feel SO good right now . . . relief (after so much of the turmoil with the situation with Rebecca over the last two months). also ... edges of sadness' -- and 'slices of anger' And, right now, not the need to open up to or go into those. (I seem on a very deep level to know when that is right to do ... almost like I have no choice to do that part of the grieving)

I let go again and again and, just what is, is there . .. freely openly - like shifting images , fading one to another.

And now I have the clarity and ability to choose a topic or focus and the main ideas of it arrive and I can focus again HURRAH ! ( its been weeks of not being able to do that. I have SO many things I haven't done over the last couple of months its going to be 'useful' (!) to have a bit of this focus now!!)

I do have a sense that of still more of chaos layers to go and ... grateful right now that is as it is.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

wizard doll and the torrent of tears

It's been full on today .. 'holding' both my parents ... driving them to Tones 40 miles form here at the Barn. Then being with each of them whilst the other had a bereavement counselling session

Had a lovely handmade 'wizard' doll sent to me form someone in the states ( u know how they do those so great over there) She lost her sister too. She's part of the 5Rhythms dancing egroup I set up 7 years ago ... ( never thought I 'd need or get such amazing support from it) receiving the present SUCH a beautiful doll, has unleashed a whole torrent of tears ... ... ouch the pain ... --- grateful for the tears.

I've got a whole bunch of AMAZING virtual holding and right now I could do with the physical kind ... ! . . . and . . .I have this 'Opening Ceremony' workshop day with sound and movement that I'm doing in a local school tomorrow near the Studio, so driving back 40 miles to Totnes - SO many of my friends are down there but it isn't really an option to do that now ... shit .. how come it's so far ....

*** Ok ...

so I've just arranged to get a cup of tea and a hug from a friend in Crediton 4 miles form my home .. -- whewwwww this asking for what I need stuff is a bit of a challenge ... at times .. . and overwhelming how heartful the response is . and . .. . .u know what ... it cant take away the pain ... it cant make it better ... Bec's dead . . . .SHIT ...

ok . .. thanks for 'listening'


Sunday, June 05, 2005

Playing for 'stillness' in London for Sue Rickards 5 Rhythms class - 4 June 2005

*Such* an amazing group and space and the bubbly Saturday night chaos sexual energy in London and a big heart welcome from Sue.

. . . my own journeying .. through the evening, through the dance ... with 100 people in such a fabulous large space.

Arriving into and moving through the swelling and resting of stillness.... I walk into the centre of the room playing viola, ripples of notes caressing the spaces and weaving in and out of the many bodies, blessing, healing, loving . . . a single note 'drone' creating a bed of sound for my voice to float on, to rest into and fill the space - creating an invitation for voices to join . . .. a few soft sounds start almost imperceptibly drifting through; tenderly, gently, powerfully... the room filling with spirals of sound, interweaving and a blessing of gratitude, love and compassion.

How amazing to then sit in a circle, heart sharing with so many people having been washed by the dance and the sound .... Sometimes, I wish (my ego wishes) for comments and appreciations. That popped into my head for moment, then dissolved ... tonight it was not needed at all. Then Sue said:

"I'd like to thank Christoffer for playing. He does sound and movement work all over the world, and when I heard he was coming through London I grabbed him".

These words, and a short conversation after the class, have continued to echo through my head as a reminder of the importance of what I do, and love to do. I have such gratitude for Sue's seeing of me, and helping remind me who I am and what I am here to do and the fullness of that work.

It's been such a challenge these last 2 months and somehow in and within all the chaos, a new and more powerful transpiration is just starting to seep through to the surface again. AND ... once more I have the inklings of the calling to do more of my sound and movement work. I'm open to and am putting out the call again to do that work more.

If you are ever in London on a Tuesday or Saturday night go along to Sues' class in North London - it's great (get there on time though, because it's so popular she's going to have to limit numbers)