Iona - clip from the recording

Here is a 6min clip from a recording I made in Iona Abbey made during a 10 day retreat on the Island. After having sunk deeply connection with the land, I spent the night in the Abbey meditating and praying, tuning into the atmosphere of the place. At about 3am, shortly before sunrise I put on the minidisc and started playing; I'm looking forward to releasing this as a CD


or to download, right click and 'save as' (8.4mb)

Posting with summaries and 'read more'

Here is the beginning of my post. And here is the rest of it. --- except that it no longer recognises how to do this . . so ... I need to find out how to do this in the new templates, or how to add the labels links section into the old template.

after searching around a bit I found this 'hack' Peek-A-Boo view of posts in label/archive pages at http://hackosphere.blogspot.com/

what I want ot be able to do now is be able to post via email with this feature

at the core of sadness ; a key to connection with spirit

For a while now I've been recording and listening back quite a number of times to 'sketches' of what I've been playing. As well a feedback loop that is devleoping and changing what I play, It's become an interesting enquiry process into what it is that arises from the listening.

You can hear a 13min recording of what I played, and then what I wrote, this morning.

or to download, right click and 'save as'(12mb). To read the words of what you hear, click on the 'Read More' link below.

listening to what I recorded on viola earlier. I feel a sadness and a tiredness. When have a I NOT felt this . .as a core state . . .is it a 'core state' or ..something else. . ? I feel it mostly on my face. . , eyes .. heavy arms .. want to close my eyes .. . energy disappearing form my hands . . -- the sun is lovely on my face.-- tight Jaw ... --- flick of thought " this is to do with my childhood" .. early .. 7yrs , 3yrs . . and in womb, implantation and conception and the field of fear . . of my family and in the world .. I long for the healing sound of running stream. the Joyous sound of birds . ..the golden sun. . --- what is it . . to LET GO of?

P O W E R F U L L energy in my body. strong and powerful . . it could crush and smash .. . what IS that , where does it come form -- like a fist punching, a hammer smashing. over and over. . repeating . .. -- what if I were to move with my body , this. what *really* wants to happen? right now, here , . . . nothing . .

I'd SO like to get to the bottom of this . .what IS this? what needs to happen so that I can be free(er?) of this? Is it ever possible to be free of such tones within the system of my body? What, of this, is also residue from patterns and interactions with others and 'disappointment ' in 'love'.

As I look at all the things to do, the project areas, my body tightness and 'solidifies' . .. what I really, really REALLY want is, RIGHT NOW, a sense of devotion and conscious connection with the spirit world, unseen ones, ancestors --- guides . .. -- tears come very close to the surface .. that actually somehow I have been blocking this. . THAT has been my SO lonely ness.

I remember the meditation in the stone cone in Crete .. SUCH a direct open channel 'calling home' .. and the calling of the unseen one, the voice of love that called my name that told me all is ok, all is working out perfectly. -- a single wet tear creeps out of my right eye and rolls down my cheek. I hardly cry the tear of loneliness .. it wets my cheek wiping it away, as if to wipe away all trace of this remembrance.

living in this life is like a dream. WAKE UP NOW into this. My heart is sore, I long for the strong confidence. and the breaking out of the family and ancestral ties . .the human bondage ties entering into this human existence with SUCH a sure knowing that. . spirit moves and guides me, that ALL THINGS and all appearances are the play of the divine.

I read back over this again and, again the tears come as I read of connection to guides . . that, actually I may not be alone, as I fear and feel . . Right now on the edge of my perception I sense SUCH beings of support, angels, and ancestors . . and the Christ --

Why such sadness, what ARE these tears. . ? tears of relief at the turning towards this knowing and awareness, ... pain .. sensing the pain of not making , of having not been making and being with and opening to that.

I 'could' ask for a name of the presence, the being, beings .. .. and , the amazing thing is, simply just being here *as I am* , doing nothing special .. I sense SO MUCH of THE SPIRIT WORLD . . .. again come these tears . . . guilt ? ... or ... ? again I hardly feel my hands . . and, under this .. the HAMMERING HANDS . .2 fists . . I go to clasp my hands , kind of like in prayer, yet still they are fists. . -- under all this is no no no no no . 5 . . THIS is the age it really got squashed out of me, the age of my great despair. . and a loss of hope . . still some innocence crept thru and gradually, or not so gradually I lost hope. I'd left the magical valley in Exmoor and the extended family and a small village school and my uncle, a seer and visionary ... and now alone with my 'family', without the animals so close, or the magic in that valley . . and the trees, , AHHH the trees . . and stream . . and all the nature spirits. . of the streams and the trees . . my heart b r o k e. . . with that now ---- and now I had to 'learn'. Over and over, in those early years, being stuffed with learning's, things to learn. And SO desperately wanting love, wanting to feel that connection again. , and .. I DID sense it , in the sun streaming in, in mid winter .. again and again connecting with that, disappearing into that .. - disassociation . . ? *association* with the spirit world. and, little by little, and sometimes very fast, I learnt to shut down to that, to hide it away AND IT IS ME & lt; IT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT . . --- this THIS **IS** ME.....

These energyless hands are a symptom of having given away more power .. my powerful awareness and connection with spirit world, in nature, the divine, connection with nature and all sprits and beings and the great magical connection with it all ....

Again the tears come as I read -

"what I really, really REALLY want is, RIGHT NOW, a sense of devotion and conscious connection with the spirit world, unseen ones, ancestors --- guides "

somewhere I feel SO scared I'll make it all up, and 'go off on one' .. is 'that' the ego talking . .( and what *is* that !!?!) and I KNOW how deeply I connect with the land simply just standing there .. I sense into this ,,, this world . ..

I feel SO on the edge of getting this ...

"they are there to help, they want to help you"

I KNOW what happened when I asked Bec if it was done, ( when I'd finished redecorating her room, that she'd hung herself in) if there was anything else in her room to do , and soon after ( having forgotten the asking) getting such a sense of fullness in my body, filled out to my skin, relaxed dropped down, open, protected, clear, strong. . . .. . this heartful direct, simple prayer ... without words even needing to be spoken .. yet asking... and then the answer arising SO clearly knowing that it is the answer.

SO:

I am on the edge of understanding and dropping into, opening to this being a full, fuller, fulsome way of living my life. I think I understand this, and have an inkling of what needs to happen .. . Simple acts of devotion and ritual and beauty and love .. in all life. I get that I do SO much of that already and am on the edge of it really flowing into my life .. .into the chaos of my life, the beauty of my life the brokenness of my life the divinity of my life. . . . ---- as I pray this prayer right now, I feel a peace, such peace, and a sense of being held and met and meeting with the ones in spirit. I have a sense of asking for help in this. . to get this and to live my life in a fuller, more peaceful, richer accepting joyous way .. are these the 'right' criteria? I think so, let me know if there is anything else or a shift in perception ... --- all colours flow in to me now get the magic and mystery of life


----

December Full Moon

This soft December full moon brings a graceFULLness
to my body and soul - gratitude

Marldon Dec 5th 2006 - CdG

this is the life you live

12mins of music and words from morning enquiry
PLAY

or to download, right click and 'save as' (11.4mb)

Playing for 5 Rythms in Exeter with Fanny Behrens

On Wednesday night I played music for a movement class with Fanny Behrens. She holds an amazing space and I LOVE the ease and flow of working with her. She's a 5 Rhythms dance teacher, though her work is 'influenced by' rather than having a 5 Rhythms focus; It's a movement, meditation, enquiry ..

She journey's in a way I like to with sound. . . Its such a journey to uncover, discover 'presence' ... alive .. space . . sitting in 'nothing', entering in many places … waiting … watching, sensing what is arising and for me discovering what new sound wants to emerge.

When I arrived to set up I was welcomed so warmly and had some magical helping. .. a free flowing .. ease .. In a couple of places in the evening I joined in moving in the space where no music was needed, also SUCH a deep connection for me through movement.

So AMAZING to see and feel through the evening the responses in others, in myself and how easily I can step into that opening doorway - - last night and this morning I felt such pain, from sensing that opening so deeply, I sensed the SO lack of that kind of connection and openness in my family and thru school years .. such wounding washed by such deep tears . . . left with such gratitude



I SO love being in a space and with people who really 'get' what I do, where I'm trusted to be and am free to be me. I feel really alive doing this kind of spontaneous playing of what is arising, shifting moving energies responding to what is arising enhancing and supporting that; it calls me present in a very powerful way ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Part of the journey of Wednesday night is at my Loving Thoughts blog http://degraal.blogspot.com/2006/09/celebrating-and-mourning.html

If you're curious about what Fanny does check her website www.being moved.com

life and freedom

the night falls outside is now dark. I climbed the hill earlier and saw the last of the sun, magical painting of light on the sky. .. I am here again with the old man. and the world of TV and news programs .. it is HARSH ... I miss my life and freedom right now, though I know that freedom is inside me. I miss tender gentle touch of skin on skin. and sitting and relaxing. .. . I push myself SO much . . what, am I(?) escaping .. will this cycle and pattern ever end . . ?

I stayed at my friend Jo's last night, we talked and smiled. she had period pains, I held her feet and energy massaged her .. she went to sleep. - a huge opening happened between us 6 years ago, . . . we didn't speak for nearly a year .. then we met and a hornet got stuck in her hair . . never happened before. . she dances in and out of relationships that mirror this earlier patterning ... - she has deep issues with men . . she trusts me completely. IT continues as good friends .. I think that is how it will always be . ... My Psychic friend Sabrina says I keep looking for woman who I can fall in love with , serve, have them become the muse and that I need to serve something greater .. she is right, I loose myself in the dreams of others TOO much . . . I hope I am making steps not to do that so much any more ... though the pull is SO STRONG there is not such an opening with Jo any more .. it is sad ... though maybe I don't need that any more with someone ... I wonder .. - she has dark stories from very young. . I keep turning up these dark stories in people ... . all is healing, healing for them healing for me. IT IS TIME .. time to fall in love. . more . . deeply with myself .. .I slip in and out of that. . and of life ...

Last night I improvised music for playback theatre . live spontaneous .. it was MAGIC .. like I know that I can do SO powerfully. 2 people came up afterwards to tell me how special it is what I do with music playing, to ask me HOW I do that. .. . It is sound meditation, I play what arises .. I miss times and spaces to do that more . . ( though 3 nights last night this creative happen arose...) perhaps with these new people form last night I will do more. . . on Sunday I asked my friend Robert, a builder, to come help me finish the barn .. ( SO great to have the money to be able to pay him now) I will get it so I have the space ready for the cool of winter, and so I can make the most of the half of my life when I am not here doing care work...so I can get the recording and creative space finished. . AND, no matter ...no excuses .. . I can do that, be inspired creative, more now. . .! ( I distract myself tooooo much) ( take it easy . . !)

I am inspired to live more creatively, spontaneously. .. I'm grateful for that .. inspiration these are some of the arising in my life. tonight I will burn P eters wonderful colourful candle with rich sensual oil smells. WOW .. . I feel life SO fully.

sitting in the forest and wondering who am I, what am I doing here

A transformation is taking place in the planet, not only with the environment and how we see and perceive world events, but also in the energy body of the earth. We too as individuals are impacted by and respond to this and these events; It is an extraordinary time.

The question I have, given that I have such a limited time here, what to do in this life. When I was younger there was an innocent clarity about what I did. now . .. it seems this is both harder to grasp and yet clearer. I am here to take part in the transformation that is taking place.

The forces of change, in this planet system, and within and between the planets and stars are immense. So too, beyond and through all this the waves of the energies of life are endless, seemingly without boundaries.

It's as if I experience less of a hold on this moment the solid material reality of now. and paradoxically as I know and accept that, the beauty of the physical world in which I am right now, the grass the trees, my body, the birds all nature and this computer I write on, are somehow brighter, clearer more vibrant, more 'real'; It's in and from this place that I hear, know and experience life.

I am a mystic, a visionary, a seer of things to come and life that is, hearing the echoes of the future and the past. I am a struggling human being coming to terms with this life and the unfolding of the constant shifting that is the mix of all the ingredients, all the pieces that make the pattern of this right now moment. I grasp, I allow, I struggle, I accept, I give up, I open to immense possibility, boundlessness and the view which I can hardly describe; this, all this is who I am, what makes up who I am.

What really is 'making a difference' when such a shifting is taking place, when there is no sense of a united purpose and understanding within and amongst people on this planet. - I'm here to give, I'm here to serve; I like these ideas and, so much of the time, I have heard and understood them from a place of fear, guilt, or righteousness, and often they have been said with the same resonance. I'll keep opening, I'll keep asking . .. what really is this . . REALLY * and how can I live my life in relation to that.

breathing out and breathing in this day rests

* soft and gentle rain fell today.

* the smell of incense as I sat and wrote on my laptop.

* the district nurse's tenderness to Mr F,

* mail posting to my blog

* the feeling of strength and power in my legs as I climbed the hill

Amazing what comes when seemingly there is nothing and the whole day seemed like it was full of challenge with Mr F. I hold my self better ( more fully , fulsomely ) now. It was lovely to play the didge this morning. The synchronicity in the phone call to Nutritive ( she was writing the envelope as I phoned).

I'd like to stop more in the day tomorrow, play the viola, and really tune in and write to Nirmoha`clearly and heartfully. - I wonder, will I go to India or not. The question is not that, but now, with this job ?I have some sense of security of a good chunk of money coming in. If I go to India it feels like I will be under resourced and again need to build something up. - am 'addicted' to the money now, is it right to go even with SUCH unknowing. and ALL I would have to (!) all I would be giving up?

I pray for clarity and resolution.

I enter the night with a full blessing of love, golden echoing thru my every cell. breathing out and berthing in this day rests - wow SO much magic in it. more and more memories flood back of all the beauty. I pray for more gratitude for that and a willingness to go into and thru the pain, with power, strength and joy!

touching in at the end of the day

Spinning around, feet on the ground . . a place to be .. . alive in each moment. I search and open, Forget and go 'unconscious'. What is this life, what is this day to me, to anyone else?

My live, this mystery, this being .. alive. SO much, so so so SO much beauty. SO much pain.

I pray for more consideration, love, presence.

Dance in public places, in life - travelling back from croatia

It's taking awhile to digest what I experienced in Spring dance in Croatia. - here's snippet along the way in My journey back to England:

Waiting for the bags, moving, running spinning rising, flowing ... responding to energies and movements in the space. space in my body, space around .. feeling my body. - the tightness the flight dissolving .. . simply by staying with the movement, as it is. the sights, sounds lights and bodies coming and going my music, my breath my music, my heart my music, the pumping of my blood my music. the changing electronic displays my music.

I twist and turn to the baggage claim .. a clear knowing of exactly where to stand and sit and wait after 10mins of inertia the man next me says "this waiting is like eternity." .. . I 'wake up' slightly .. from my dead trance of waiting. . . . some humour in my response as I stand up "especially if you only have 5 mins for the train." Again I am present to this. the tension in my body, the now nervousness of my heartbeat .. and breath . . ? who knows!! Eternity doesn't last for ever .. . almost immediately my suitcase of instruments is there. .. then . I'm off . . not consciously thinking about it but. yes SO going for the empty spaces running, weaving in-between the bodies . . people 'bocking' somehow I continue to see a way through. flying through customs and out through the narrow funnel of the exit, still there are spaces .. up to the lift door. NO lift. . push the button .. no lift. *this* time I continue in motion continue to breathe in this 'still' space. Into the lift, how did I get there so quickly near the exit door, pres the button entry doors close . . down we go . .. 1 minute to go. doors open I and the trolley are one. I fly across the hall to the platform, luggage trolley and station staff moving into the spaces , fluid body adjusts weight, trolley spins.I arrive at the door of the train. 1, 2, . . . 3 viola, all in I breathe. all I seem to be is the breath. 30 second later , the door closes. WOW.

Giving it up: the time from arrival of plane to departure of train is too short. the space I want to go into is full of people. Somehow in both, I had a sense of giving it up and going into the empty space. simply moving there, resting there, flowing there, 'flying' there.

I'm so greatfull for the practice possibility and experience of letting go in 'the dance on the dance floor' and in 'the dance of the day'. . . WHEW. . what a relief, and I'm *sure* it's why I got the train!! I'm greatfull to remember this more. .. how often I've been forgetting!

Playing for Spring Dance Croatia April 2006

I was guest musician at this 5Rythms based Celebration, It felt like what we were doing was taking part in connecting and healing the land, the people, the planet; may the blessings from this continue and deepen.

It’s amazing this connection I’ve had for over 12years now with the dance, how it’s supported me, what I’ve learnt and what I’ve been able to contribute. Something really landed for me over these four days; nearly a year after Gabrielle told me to put what I was experiencing into playing my Viola, finally it feels I’ve started to do experience and value that; it moved me and others profoundly - I feel very grateful.

Now back amongst the English soft spring sun, veiled by light cloud of silver grey and primroses smiling, I reflect on the journey to and at the Spring Dance

I feel very grateful for having such deep connection with people and having so many people respond to and name 'the path with soul' that I am on with doing what I do with Music and, in this context, playing music and facilitating others to play for the dance.

During this time I was met and held and challenged powerfully by many people from that land - a very special rare and beautiful thing. Hearing again and again, as if for the first time, and new, how much people were touched by teh playing that I do, how I hold the space for others to play in such a way that they feel they can contribute ( several singing for the first time in years or in way they hadn't felt free to do before) Really getting responses of how fully they received the passion I have for what I do, and the depth that of what I do, not just for playing music but for A Path of Soul and as a healing and a blessing for the planet

I was met by many people, and particularly by some of the younger people in a way that was so profound, and innocent/natural, simple wisdom and response to life, living this life

Much magical work took place on many levels; healing, grieving and releasing, for me and for others. The pain in the land, the pain in the people .. still very raw. . . and, in that dancing and in the sounds that we made something shifted.
I also found myself more deeply, and got who I am reflected back to me strongly. Being with people and connecting in the dance, in the eating together and talking . also sitting on the old, old limestone amongst the trees and spring flowers cherry blossoms sprinkling the ground. it was all really important, and nourishing . .. that too was part of and had a healing.

Outside the dance floor, in the dance floor of life, before class in the morning at lunch time or late in the evening over a meal, I heard over and over form me and from others questions that really wanted answers and answers that really wanted questions . . some answers came and others .. . simply the question stayed and deepened.

One of the participants has asked me if I’ll go back and a workshop, Path with Soul, in a Castle in her town. It feels an honour to be asked to do some more sound and movement healing and enquiry; to go back and dive deeper into this experience that has opened so readily and magically in that wonderful country with such heartful people.

What has been happening

A lot has been happening this last month. I've had several people recently ask me how I'm doing ... and an update is due .. . soon.
The other day I thought through what happened last month and what is coming up. Also it's heading towards the end of the first quarter and of the year and that's also been bringing that up to my awareness. I'll not go in to it right now, but will maybe get a chance to do that tomorrow night.

Green Tourmaline

Green Toumaline -such a beautiful and powerful gemstone. Been wearing it in a neclace for nearly 3 months. It's a very lovely and powerful vibration.