the night falls outside is now dark. I climbed the hill earlier and saw the last of the sun, magical painting of light on the sky. .. I am here again with the old man. and the world of TV and news programs .. it is HARSH ... I miss my life and freedom right now, though I know that freedom is inside me. I miss tender gentle touch of skin on skin. and sitting and relaxing. .. . I push myself SO much . . what, am I(?) escaping .. will this cycle and pattern ever end . . ?
I stayed at my friend Jo's last night, we talked and smiled. she had period pains, I held her feet and energy massaged her .. she went to sleep. - a huge opening happened between us 6 years ago, . . . we didn't speak for nearly a year .. then we met and a hornet got stuck in her hair . . never happened before. . she dances in and out of relationships that mirror this earlier patterning ... - she has deep issues with men . . she trusts me completely. IT continues as good friends .. I think that is how it will always be . ... My Psychic friend Sabrina says I keep looking for woman who I can fall in love with , serve, have them become the muse and that I need to serve something greater .. she is right, I loose myself in the dreams of others TOO much . . . I hope I am making steps not to do that so much any more ... though the pull is SO STRONG there is not such an opening with Jo any more .. it is sad ... though maybe I don't need that any more with someone ... I wonder .. - she has dark stories from very young. . I keep turning up these dark stories in people ... . all is healing, healing for them healing for me. IT IS TIME .. time to fall in love. . more . . deeply with myself .. .I slip in and out of that. . and of life ...
Last night I improvised music for playback theatre . live spontaneous .. it was MAGIC .. like I know that I can do SO powerfully. 2 people came up afterwards to tell me how special it is what I do with music playing, to ask me HOW I do that. .. . It is sound meditation, I play what arises .. I miss times and spaces to do that more . . ( though 3 nights last night this creative happen arose...) perhaps with these new people form last night I will do more. . . on Sunday I asked my friend Robert, a builder, to come help me finish the barn .. ( SO great to have the money to be able to pay him now) I will get it so I have the space ready for the cool of winter, and so I can make the most of the half of my life when I am not here doing care work...so I can get the recording and creative space finished. . AND, no matter ...no excuses .. . I can do that, be inspired creative, more now. . .! ( I distract myself tooooo much) ( take it easy . . !)
I am inspired to live more creatively, spontaneously. .. I'm grateful for that .. inspiration these are some of the arising in my life. tonight I will burn P eters wonderful colourful candle with rich sensual oil smells. WOW .. . I feel life SO fully.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
sitting in the forest and wondering who am I, what am I doing here
A transformation is taking place in the planet, not only with the environment and how we see and perceive world events, but also in the energy body of the earth. We too as individuals are impacted by and respond to this and these events; It is an extraordinary time.
The question I have, given that I have such a limited time here, what to do in this life. When I was younger there was an innocent clarity about what I did. now . .. it seems this is both harder to grasp and yet clearer. I am here to take part in the transformation that is taking place.
The forces of change, in this planet system, and within and between the planets and stars are immense. So too, beyond and through all this the waves of the energies of life are endless, seemingly without boundaries.
It's as if I experience less of a hold on this moment the solid material reality of now. and paradoxically as I know and accept that, the beauty of the physical world in which I am right now, the grass the trees, my body, the birds all nature and this computer I write on, are somehow brighter, clearer more vibrant, more 'real'; It's in and from this place that I hear, know and experience life.
I am a mystic, a visionary, a seer of things to come and life that is, hearing the echoes of the future and the past. I am a struggling human being coming to terms with this life and the unfolding of the constant shifting that is the mix of all the ingredients, all the pieces that make the pattern of this right now moment. I grasp, I allow, I struggle, I accept, I give up, I open to immense possibility, boundlessness and the view which I can hardly describe; this, all this is who I am, what makes up who I am.
What really is 'making a difference' when such a shifting is taking place, when there is no sense of a united purpose and understanding within and amongst people on this planet. - I'm here to give, I'm here to serve; I like these ideas and, so much of the time, I have heard and understood them from a place of fear, guilt, or righteousness, and often they have been said with the same resonance. I'll keep opening, I'll keep asking . .. what really is this . . REALLY * and how can I live my life in relation to that.
The question I have, given that I have such a limited time here, what to do in this life. When I was younger there was an innocent clarity about what I did. now . .. it seems this is both harder to grasp and yet clearer. I am here to take part in the transformation that is taking place.
The forces of change, in this planet system, and within and between the planets and stars are immense. So too, beyond and through all this the waves of the energies of life are endless, seemingly without boundaries.
It's as if I experience less of a hold on this moment the solid material reality of now. and paradoxically as I know and accept that, the beauty of the physical world in which I am right now, the grass the trees, my body, the birds all nature and this computer I write on, are somehow brighter, clearer more vibrant, more 'real'; It's in and from this place that I hear, know and experience life.
I am a mystic, a visionary, a seer of things to come and life that is, hearing the echoes of the future and the past. I am a struggling human being coming to terms with this life and the unfolding of the constant shifting that is the mix of all the ingredients, all the pieces that make the pattern of this right now moment. I grasp, I allow, I struggle, I accept, I give up, I open to immense possibility, boundlessness and the view which I can hardly describe; this, all this is who I am, what makes up who I am.
What really is 'making a difference' when such a shifting is taking place, when there is no sense of a united purpose and understanding within and amongst people on this planet. - I'm here to give, I'm here to serve; I like these ideas and, so much of the time, I have heard and understood them from a place of fear, guilt, or righteousness, and often they have been said with the same resonance. I'll keep opening, I'll keep asking . .. what really is this . . REALLY * and how can I live my life in relation to that.
breathing out and breathing in this day rests
* soft and gentle rain fell today.
* the smell of incense as I sat and wrote on my laptop.
* the district nurse's tenderness to Mr F,
* mail posting to my blog
* the feeling of strength and power in my legs as I climbed the hill
Amazing what comes when seemingly there is nothing and the whole day seemed like it was full of challenge with Mr F. I hold my self better ( more fully , fulsomely ) now. It was lovely to play the didge this morning. The synchronicity in the phone call to Nutritive ( she was writing the envelope as I phoned).
I'd like to stop more in the day tomorrow, play the viola, and really tune in and write to Nirmoha`clearly and heartfully. - I wonder, will I go to India or not. The question is not that, but now, with this job ?I have some sense of security of a good chunk of money coming in. If I go to India it feels like I will be under resourced and again need to build something up. - am 'addicted' to the money now, is it right to go even with SUCH unknowing. and ALL I would have to (!) all I would be giving up?
I pray for clarity and resolution.
I enter the night with a full blessing of love, golden echoing thru my every cell. breathing out and berthing in this day rests - wow SO much magic in it. more and more memories flood back of all the beauty. I pray for more gratitude for that and a willingness to go into and thru the pain, with power, strength and joy!
touching in at the end of the day
Spinning around, feet on the ground . . a place to be .. . alive in each moment. I search and open, Forget and go 'unconscious'. What is this life, what is this day to me, to anyone else?
My live, this mystery, this being .. alive. SO much, so so so SO much beauty. SO much pain.
I pray for more consideration, love, presence.
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