The sun rises again in my life

The sun rises again in my life, seen from the nearly completed new kitchen at the Barn , place of nourishment and beauty, place I will soon be able to sit in


View across the valley from just outside the new front door























































looking out the window where the kitchen table will be

Grief stirrings ... next steps

Doing all these things, getting them sorted, cleared, done .. . and all my 'practices' will not ensure I ' go to heaven ' ' have a successful life ' or ' be liked ' or 'be loved ' . . . . . Are these *really* the things I want!!?

If I think too much about this beautiful earth, this beautiful beautiful earth and the place of destruction abuse and pain giving we are in. IT IS OVERWHELMING. and. . . yet I do not even let myself go into or feel *that* . overwhelm. . afraid that I will .. . . kill myself. . . the pain tooo much. o- is this what happened to Bec.

And in this place o f chaos, of seemingly not able to get my life sorted, or a relationship that flows easily or wok that I LOVE to do, that I can do easily and is well pain . . .so I have enough, a *good* amount of money and recourses 'abundance' .. . IN THIS place. . . . . . it is challenging. . SO challenging .. . I feel the stress on my body. the seeming inability to also NOT do enough, or very really exercise. . . or eat in a relaxed way is way too stressful also on my body. . . I feel sad for my life, and again only just on the edge of that for the same fear . . . .

AND *so* wanting to share my gift of playing music more.. Yes reading is 'ok' and what really changed the space was when played the viola. .. . WHEN will I get this, that THIS is what I'm meat to do .. . .*is it* tears are VERY close to the surface now, as . .. . I mm sense the 'fear it might not be good enough' or. . . sit. . . that I'm more simply just missing my life. . . this life . . this creative life. . . . STUCK with SOOOOO much * stuff* and feeling isolated and alone . . . in this. . . grieving for my life. . . and this struggle. . .

NO .. . I do NOT not not not NOT want this struggle .. . Its been REALLY relay RE ALYYY hard not having a home. . . or enough money and working with this Carework where there is SUCH an uncaring attitude to the carers .. . and then doubting myself that I can even organise that. . .--- now the tears flow. . . I feel some life in that. . . and. . . WHAT TO DO . . . .. ? I'd like to get on and clear my life, clear up sort thru stuff, like I said I would and ALL the other things that are there. and start playing more. . .

AND. . . comes again and more, this question;

How can I life a life of Service, Love and Devotion. ( is this even the right, or best question to enquire into .. . )

I SO want to get this right, to be loved to be . .. LOVED. . . or something like that. . . WHAT *IS* this deep grief in me in my soul .. . . -- IS it , still' about Bec, is it ancestral, is it early childhood 'stuff' is it (ohh yeah I was there last night) is it about the Australian abuse, or the deep grief of others in Embercombe of the earth, the earth in Chaos, knowing something . . yet. . . SO MUCH PAIN . . . about this beautiful earth in such distress. . . .. Can I GET THIS. . . and **STILL** get the beauty, divine eternal ... I've GOTTAT get thru to this. . somehow or .. . all this is POINTLESS? . . Sure gotta 'do ' something to mange my sate . . AND YET? . .to forcefully impose.

WHO can I talk with about this. . . be with with this. .. without hiding without being open to TOO open to their pain, stuff etc . . . that I fear will activate and deepen this in me more. . . . felling SUCH distresses does NOT seem a good way to got and. .. yet I do NOT WANT to SUPPRESS IT . . or go unconscious to it. . .

-- ohhhh .. . I've just remembered that this too WILL pass. . . .it just seems, in the opening to this that it will go on FOREVER and enter into the deep dark pit of total despair and annihilation. . .

Feeling is ok , , AND. . . what to do that is NOT rigid rule driven .. . and. . .*how* to shape and focus my life, how to set goals that are *REALLY* mine , ,and that will be successful?

Yes, service, love and devotion are all very well and good ,, , WHAT does that mean, for me, in actual practical action terms of living my life.

WHO to get support with to clear this, to clear this up, HOW to get clear action on this.

SO hard sometimes.

what would I like to have happen. . . --- feel a softening and sense of possibility in that question.

need to have 'breakfast'

EASY .. . easy . .. e a s y .

What is the focus of my life?

Life shifts and changes.many faces across time.All show themselves in this instant.

The light bright light this is seen by the eye.

Open heart surgery, life school, transformation.

bowing in humility, softening . . I stand tall fulsome and present

It has been the pain and struggle, still the tendency comes. Now is the time to release this pattern. It may be rough as you negotiate the new ways., I will be with you, in all the many faces; love will always be with you.

focus happens as you pay attention to what arises. All is constantly shifting and changing. NOTHING fixed in any moment LIFE is available, in transformation

Joy, beauty power .. . in ALL there is, including the pan and suffering . . . see thru to the *life* that is always and ever present

Delay not awaken and know that you are already awake in this tumultuous joyous life. breathe forth in this instant the life and essence of who you are filing the room. that which is eternal .. . love . .. and that which is of the ego personalities and struggles.

Bow down, bow down before life, before no one and everyone, nothing and everything: this is the resonance co-resonance of life as you live your heart in and thru this day walk in this knowledge walk with me in life. I am in all things all things are in me .. . this is the great presence of life throughout all existence and across and thru time and space life exists.

Drop the pain and suffering, drop the attachment to how things should be and live life. enter into living . And know that already you are living.

THIS is the focus of your life. . . . your life as it is, as it unfolds. using love to blast thru, to melt thru to soften thru .. . whatever is needed in whatever way . . . your life is unfolding. Masculine and feminine contained in all. see life, the beauty of life in all. . . . missing it. . . . fearful . .. . sometimes this is so. . . this too passes, and one by one the faces of the knowing and unknowing will pass before you in your life .. . . this is love

solstice commitment and request for support

Known,  in this moment,  the beauty  and richness of life. What a blessed gift.  Here,  in this place . .. I rest   and notice what I  notice  of the cycling thru of emotions,  of the rising and falling  of 'fear', of closing, of joy, the waves of joy .. .  and the opening which has no opening.  This      extraordinary      life. Knowing this, there is nothing else to know.  

All the other psychological  understandings,  layers upon layers  of cultural,  famililial  and societal  conditionings  are  simply that,  patterns . . . that  have been drawn in the sand and which, in the winds of life, are shaped and reshaped.  Some of the more impactful events,  like rocks in this landscape, create deeper more lasting patterns,  and yet sun  and wind and rain and ice  wear down and break apart even the most solid rock eventually crumbles  and  this shifting landscape of life is reformed  and reformed  over time  thru time in time.  The circling of the planets  and the impact if the changing energetics  and chemicals interactions of this life, create an element of this unfolding.

 

Identified thru conditioning  and habit, with this material reality,  longing and remembering and sensing the life that is not limited, is independent of this,  yet, it is in and thru this body,  planet,  existence  that I experience my life,  my being here alive.

 

SO much has been written and said of the 'other' of 'how it is'.   I continue on my quest through this life  to make sense of it all, whilst  all along here I am, with all of it .  . this my life.  deeper and deeper, more present  more aware  of the awareness and unawareness shifting and changing.  AND, the SO wanting of 'peace at any cost'. of 'wanting to be loved' at any cost,  wanting to be accepted at any cost.  Yet,  knowing and seeing this .. . . I again , maybe in a more subtle and tricky way,  want to show,  understand and demonstrate this *I am it, here,  confident*.   And yet, SO much of the time NOT that way, doubting my life, wanting to be THAT way and not have doubting. . .  waiting until it is 'all sorted',  that I am 'landed',  and 'clear' enough,  'perfect' enough  and .. . .'worthy' enough ,  'enlightened' enough  to lead  and teach ,  to stand  up and show.  ---  Yet,  I do NOT want to be another voice of  'presumption'  of 'blind leading blind'.  of  'Guru ego'.  I SO do not want to do that. 

 

What if , as an experiment, (because its not  'for ever')  what if I experimented, for the rest of this year, with allowing myself to NOT worry about that,  and just went with what it is that I know, and what arises in me to say and do , as the 'truth'. Not worrying  that I have to  'reframe' it and 'get it right'  because   ' there are many truths'  etc etc etc .. . Simply speaking  and doing  what it is that arises for me as the truth.  What if I experimented with that, for now, did that, for now. 

 

Wanting to constantly 'wake up'  'be awake' . ..  impossible? . ..  maybe it is that I AM AWAKE .. . ALREADY !!  nothing to do , or get, or learn or have to follow or learn .. .  simply .. . right now .. . getting this.  The rest,  all the complex  psychological processes and understandings WILL surface, will be there,  ARE there already.

 

The shackles of 'life'  fall away,  breaking apart, opening. . .  a veritable firework display  of energetic destruction  unbinding, breaking out,  arising,  DEEP breath. Fiery golden energy of life.  Within and thru me.

 

I open to this experiment,  to living this experiment  and to all that can support me in this,  to any one  and any energy and any beings  that can support me .. .  so that I can live this, my life,  to the fullest I can.  ASKing for 'support'  not from weakness or needing ANYTHING,  simply asking, because someone, some places, some energies may have something that would contribute to this.  NOTHING is needed,  and ANYTHING can contribute.

 

All this, my best wish,  is for the FULLEST potential of my life,  in DEPTH  of HEART , SPIRIT  ,JOYOUS  **CONNECTION* with and in and thru LIFE?   For the BENEFIT OF ALL,  and that INCLUDES me!

 

THIS,  MY LIFE BEST and HIGHEST GOOD.-  that is my wish and prayer. 

So,  for today,  for now.  I prepare the way,  and gather things I need so I can enjoy this life , this day .. . I now, continue on.  from and with and in this instant.

 

 

 

 

Orchid - brokenness and new shoots

And . .  so ...  here it is.  this orchid from 1998 . .. . in all it's brokenness 
and the old rotting way .. . and  the powerful new shoots.. 

the old must be rotten enough  and decayed enough to easily be removed,

otherwise it tears away the roots of the new  and destroys it ALL.