Celebrations of Light

in these last weeks, and more so days I've been touched by the exquisite energy of this time of year. The darkness (here in the UK) and then the sense of the light as if it would never come again, and the fine fine energy an joy of that as it started on it's way again.

It's so wonderful to me how at this time of year, so many many cultures have a celebration, of one kind or another, of the light.

How you have been touched, I wonder, by the magic that is around as we pass through this season?

Wishing you wonderful things for this holiday time and for 2008
















this is a photo of a present that my sister sent my from Australia, it's looking out of my music studio window down the valley, if you'd see the original and a couple of others , take a look at my Winter photo album

Winter Wind - sound sketch

I have a sense of both of a wonderful silvery stillness, that seems to be connected with the solstice in a few days, and also the energy of all the activity connected with the preparation for 'holiday' and 'meetings' (and 'not meetings') of family iwth all the pain and hope for that.

This morning this came which seems very connected for me with that. I've looped some sounds in 'Live', treated them a bit and added some voice. An hour seems so short to do this and I'm getting a clearer sense of what I'd like to do and develop with these recordings and my playing.




or to download, right click and 'save as' (3.2mb)

Guitar Swirls - sound sketch

There's a kind of swirling energy , with softness that continues here in the valley. it's colder now and such a sweet resting stillness.

This morning I played with layers of looping with the LoopStation. simply that, just another sketch. click below to play




or to download, right click and 'save as' (3.2mb)

Dartmouth loopstation live

At the weekend I played at Dartmouth Festival of Healing Arts. Amazing to feel and see the power that sound has. at one point, one of the healers giving a treatment started playing a crystal bowl; it was exactly the right thing, the right note, the right energy; what we created together opened the space magically and beautifully.

This morning I tried out some ideas with one of the tracks that I'd recorded live at the Festival using on the loop station. click below to play



or to download, right click and 'save as' (4.6mb)

is that email a hoax

Often times people really care and want to keep their friends safe however it's not always initially clear if something is a hoax or not. As I seem to keep getting asked this kind of thing here are some of the things that I've found can be useful to check if an email is a Hoax or not:

The quick way I have as a 'heads up' when I think something might be a Hoax is to cut a section of the email ( 7 or 8 words, so it's long enough) and paste them into a web search engine ( I like Every Click )

How do you recognise if it's a Hoax? Well I've started to get a 'sense' for it. This is partly through trusting my intuition also reading about it. There is some really good information about how to recognise Hoaxes at http://www.hoax-slayer.com/#latest-email-hoaxes

I find this http://www.hoax-slayer.com/ website generally is also a good way to check if something is a Hoax

It's also useful to know and use some basic email saftey measures.

basic email saftey

There are several pretty important things to do to keep safe when using email

One thing I've heard and seen over and over that the best thing to do to keep safe is to not open anything if you don't know who its from, if it's a blank email, the subject doesn't make sense, or has an attachement that isn't mentioned by the person who sent it; if in doubt delete and or ask the person who sent it!

Another thing is to use, and keep up-to-date, a good set of basic protection software; a good firewall, antivirus and anit spyware, are all pretty essential these day's; I also now use a good spam filter to filter out spam before it lands in my computer.

And, finally, if sending a group email, it's now pretty much a good practice to use Bcc or a group mail sending program or company - it helps keep the spam down.

search engine that raises money for charity

Everyclick is a search engine that lets you raise money for charity.
this was recommended to me by a friend who is a parent at the local Steiner School in Exeter.

I really love to have money from my web searches going to help a good cause, rather than profits for a big, huge even, business. You can chose your charity or join me in money going to the Steiner School.

Every Click is based on the Ask search engine, I sometimes find it useful to search in Google search

email melt down/gridlock

For several years some people have been talking about email melt down. I've experienced my second mini meltdown this year.

major delays on emails

sending email via smtp often not working

receiving email via pop3 often not working

webmail often inaccessible

Back in the summer I started to have pretty big problems with my emails getting delayed, sometimes for days, also sometimes not being able to send. Eventually after quite some research on the web and talking with a couple of different ISP's I discovered that there was a spate of spambot computers taking over the web servers of ISPS's, and sending out lots I mean lots of Spam and flooding them, causing them to gridlock.

It was a fairly new technology for several ISP's to deal with. and took a while for some of them to fix. My ISP at that time, Ontel, had their web servers major compromised for about 6 weeks)

There is now another spate of this happening; I'd started to notice problems earlier on in November. and last week the same major delays for my email started happening with Lycos servers.

I also discovered that anyone sending from Lycos smtp or with an email or domain that is listed with Lycos will not be able to send email to hotmail or yahoo addresses and some others.

I've now set up a new account . . . (which I'm not going to put on this bog !!)

My websites www.movingsound.com and www.christofferdegraal.com are hosted with Lycos and all the emails I have given to people are with that domain, so I really REALLY hope that this gets fixed soon. ( I spoke with their customer help line. they've been working on fixing it for several weeks now.)

I thought initially that this was just for the ISP's concerned. However, in another conversation, ( how OD I get into these conversations !?!) It was explained to me that when I send an email it goes down kind of like a motorway, looking for junctions that are free enough to take... to go to the next 'sector' as the email jumps from the wiring from one ISP to another, going around the world.

Unfortunately even if the ISP I am using is not overrun by Spam, my email can end up going thru a grid locked ISP because the sign at the junction say's all is ok and then, a very short way down the path . . . gridlock and delay.

SO . . . at the moment this problem that some of the individual ISP's have can effect us all. It's a kind of leapfrog of spammers causing increasingly complex problems that then take some time to fix; weeks at a time it seems.

hope this of use for some people somewhere. -- now I need to prepare to send another update to let people know my new address.

Winter Dance - sound sketch

It's been a while since I've been into the studio. It took a while to get the technical things in place. Then I brushed against the wonderful drum/plucked bass drone that Giles Petit has made. (borrowed form a friend) recorded this then added some voice and viola, and quick bit of mastering.




or to download, right click and 'save as' (4.6mb)

Anita Roddicks death - connecting up some threads

Many years ago, wow, 20 actually, (in 1987) I was involved in taking part in setting up Common Ground Sign Dance Theatre, a cooperative of deaf hearing, disabled non disabled people and people with mental health problems.

Having just heard that Anita Roddick has died I remembered my connection with her. It was one Sunday afternoon when I was in the office on my own doing some fund raising, wondering if it was possible, was it worth it to continue to try to get the fledgling company going.

I was looking thru the list of possible funders and had this intuition to call The Body Shop Office and yes, its true, a Sunday afternoon and Anita answered the phone. I told her the vision of what it was we were doing of exploring the arts as a mixed group of people and of finding a Common Ground between performers from different cultural and social backgrounds between deaf and hearing people and people with different disabilities.

This was a decisive moment and, not many people know, that at that point I was wondering if all these hours day s and weekends I was spending , often on my own in the office was worth it ( though a musician and performer in the company most of my life now was in an office, only very rarely did I get into the studio or do performances or workshop with company) I was seriously considering whether I wanted to carry on. I'd learnt how to use a computer and spreadsheet, do a business plan ( one the Livewire completion) and got a grant from the Scottish Arts Council but we need some extra money, or the first tour for Common Ground would not go ahead and what turned out for me for me an involvement in an extraordinary 10 year social and cultural experiment would probably not have happened.

A while after I left the company split and there are now two incarnations; one a more deaf focused deaf arts company, the other more an arts focused arts company. Along the way many people passed thru the company learning and training in this experimental cauldron. Amongst the people that went thru the company we had people that went on to become director of Graeae Theatre, one of the deaf trainees became the present director of CGSDT, the co director of Green Candle Dance Company also contributed a great deal to the company. We had people of different ethnic backgrounds, people who we discovered (when they died) had aids, and one of the company members who struggled on and off with bouts of mental health problems, ended up taking her life. So , all in all, we were exploring many of the rough raw edges of life.

It was extraordinary to explore, wrestle, and tussle with the creative aspects of white western arts culture, deaf culture, disability culture; it was the mid 80's and quite a melting pot. It was however not only the creative exploration but also the often more hidden social things we were grappling with.

When I had that Sunday afternoon conversation with Anita I seem to remember that she didn't actually say she'd give any money, I do remember her great enthusiasm, support and encouragement for what we are doing and I though that was that and with renewed inspiration decided to carry on and give it another go. To my surprise a few days later a cheque for £500 arrived in the office and that meant we could go on our first tour.; a few months later I was driving the community transport hire van up the M1; we were heading to Scotland for 3 weeks for our first tour . ( subsequently we toured throughout the UK, and overseas including Denmark, Estonia, Venezuela getting all the associated sponsorship and grant funding along the way.

Now I am doing my own work and which I've called Moving Sound and have performed and lead workshops in many countries around the world. I've continued to use and develop my passion for sound and movement, and provide fun profound and deep ways to go into unknown territory and come back inspired with amazing and beautiful jewels. I work with small groups and individuals, taking people on a very profound and deep Personal Journey, to explore things that are important to them about their personal or professional lives.

Along the way I've also become a certificated Trainer and Consultant and taken my work into the corporate world with Moving Sound Business to help people look at team and group dynamics, and discover inspiring and surprising new possibilities for a particular topic or challenge.

Playing music continues as something very precious to me, whether it's playing in small intimate setting in a house concert or as part of mediation, yoga or healing retreat or to welcome people at large conference events or to give them a moment to pause, reflect and assimilate during the day.

I continue to do projects in the community ( schools, old peoples homes, hospitals, open drop in groups) these Moving Sound sessions explore sound and movement to inspire people to journey deeper in their lives and with each other, and give opportunities for people to share with each other on a deeper level with and without words.

Whichever context I do this work in, I'm constantly amazed and humbled at how sound and movement and non verbal conversations can inspire, heal and uplift.

Exploring the seemingly unseen and unheard connections between people continues as a main focus and inspiration. That's developed to include the connections and interconnections we have with this beautiful planet we live on and this extraordinary thing of being alive and of existence. I'm amazed at this and by the miracles, marvels and challenges of life and the unknown, and the great creative force and potential of limitless possibilities - no wonder I call my company Infinite Source.

It was actually soon after speaking with Anita that at 4am one morning the name and vision of Infinite Source was created . For a while I had it registered as a limited company to support the beginnings of Common Ground Sign Dance Theatre. I I've had it 'hidden' in the background. ( and have had and kept the website for many years) several years ago I recorded and made a CD 'Iona' and have used Infinite Source as the recording label, Moving Sound is also an Infinite Source Project.

Recently in looking at how I take my work forward after taking a couple of years off, I've been talking with several people about the branding of what I do and as I revisit and write this story I am again being re inspired by the bigger vision of Moving Sound and Infinite Source.

Another morning in the forest - such richness

again going to meditate in the forest, again seeing a dear, but very different this time. some more form my journal, of what I experienced, what arose in the forest - such richness.

Tue 31 July

Such peace, here in the forest. Yet not ‘here’, it's simply here that has the peace. still today, hardly a breath of wind. The sound of the stream carries all other sounds held by the wash of the ever changing bath of sound. Leaves fall, sudden rustle of sound. IN the canopy of the trees a whole life of birds exists.

As I sat, suddenly or so it seemed, I felt the trees breathe. Is it that I sat here long enough or did something else shift and change. On other days it does not happen so .

How much, is this, connected with again playing and recording for several hours last night; certainly it feeds me. As too another step or too of less things waiting there for me to do, in a minute way the incompletes less.

IT is SO still here, different leaves dance and glisten in the sun. Even with a car cutting thru the 'silence', still it is peaceful - how extraordinary. In this, noticing this, in this moment I feel such gratitude.

sound of plane comes, distant at first, now blocking out almost all the other sounds, I feel the tension rise, not wanting the sound. resistance coming in my body. The plane recedes, the forest sounds rise again.

Then there is that tree rat, squirrel, it strips away all the young green hazelnuts. what to do about it? a few years ago they were al poisoned and the trees not stripped, young trees barked and started to die.

raven calls, raw resonant 'barking', wings beating. so many and so rich the sound s, ad the responses and interpretations.

Yesterday, too , I got my impatience. simply not finding something where I would like it to be and then a struggle , judgment and a frustration. it's SO extraordinary the energy that that takes, the energy that that has. maybe, getting it that is now less present. Maybe it will come again, maybe it wont'; unlikely i recon, yet I could be proved wrong. anything is possible.

I start now to feel some restlessness; time to move on for breakfast --

I LOVE THE sound of the raven. . .how so very VERY gorgeous.

PAUSE.

the forest continues to breath.

now I will go and have breakfast, raven echoes again. . SO wondrous.

++

AS I prepare to leave, I have SUCH gratitude, I wish others could also have this, those that don’t . . I sense this .. . this love a gratitude compassion flowing thru me. flowing thru the universe, thru existence.

Sound of jet plane high up cuts thru. This ’gratitude' dissolves.. some. it is difficult to feel the judgment and pain. how to be with all this. this tooo will pass. the other will come again. always the other, the breathing forest , gratitude, love compassion is there. .. thank god . .!

I'd like to 'thank god' for it all. The pain and all that is less easy to accept. I drop into a subtle rage, resentment, judgment. ohhh how can this be . . when I feel also SUCH joy, joy at the heart of existence. sometimes, ashamedly, that to is an escaping.

I sense in the noticing of that the tone of shame, guilt, fear, resentment. . what place these? whatever .. . it is . . .they arise, and like waves, storms seasons lifetimes, their pattern moves thru. all existence. is swirling patterns of life changing. forming and reforming. this is the soup, the sea in which i live. portraying this, getting this, understanding and not understanding. --- NOW it is for breakfast!

++

as i stand up a see a dear about 20 meters way. IT comes towards me, beauty of free motion, dappled in the sun light filtering thru the trees. it continues, gently grazing walking towards me thru the trees. still it has not seen me. It is SO different than the fear of the sacred dear of yesterday.

I stand completely still. it continues on barely 10meters now. I sense still an ease in my body. I look with peripheral vision. -- then, something shifts. I turn my attention again more towards the dear, it stands still, immobile, I sense some fear coming thru my body. . body tense. . I send a wish of love, appreciation. . . I breathe deeper soften ..

a car comes one side, a lorry on the other the dear is held by these iron mechanical sounds. I get it’s fear not mine, yet also feel the response in me. The sounds recede. it softens. . I continue to stand completely still. then, bit by bit, step by step it moves away, at ease again.

this being with this dear, and the sounds and the changing potent arising of the in the moment. . -- such a gift, such a lesson form the forest.

*now* is time for breakfast!!

standing completely still for 5minuties. . . life potent present , all there is in this moment of me and the dear its moving my stillness, breathing and the sights sound colors and movements.

++

rich blue against green, cloudless sky, beating wings of brown butterfly on still dewed grass, glistening drops of water and bright pink flowers. how extraordinary rich all this is. such gratitude to experience and appreciate all this.

++ now i am ready to eat breakfast and move on thru the day. I wonder, how this will continue, this magic of the day, this day, this existence.

forest meditation inquiry

notes form my journal: sitting in the forest to meditate - an inquiry and some of what arises

Mon 30 July - as I go to bed now, 1:15 am , I have this sense of , thoughts of ' is this, that I do of ANY use, is it important, I am doing something that is going to EVER make me a living

I seem to accomplish SO little, relay, that shows forth into the world ,that is REALLY making a difference. I have this sense of quiet desperation, a faint scream in the background of my life. .. . I SO so sososo SO want this, my life to be easier, to flow, and, I have SUCH a sense of struggle . . . and of holding it together. and. . . still I seem to make not make an impact of taking my life forwards. . . feeling SO off my center, and with arriving SO late here today, and NO time for me to rest, really or get focussed for the week, this week of 5 days before then 10 days away .. . I feel SUCH pressure from this, in this.. . and . . it seems SO unreasonable. . . that really i SHOULD be able to take my life forward easy and more easily .. ,what IS it , what is it that needs to happen.

++++

Mon 30 July - morning

how extraordinary, again now this morning, after mediation in the forest, sitting here now in the sun a sense, mostly , of peace. There is also, at the edges of my knowing , a pool of tears. Grief and sadness for how this world is, the pain and suffering in it and for all the less than things, and situations that I have had in my life. It is , I fear, too much to bear, if I really experienced it. If I opened to the reality of this pain .. . without also a knowing, experiencing of the joy also , the peace also. and this joy, peace and connection I do also know SO surely, without any doubt. ( even in the paces and items of doubting and feeling scare and all the other psychological woundings and patterns that I carry, I also know this, the bigness and unlimited ness of life.

How then, with all this knowing and understanding, how then to live my life, in the ordinary, without endless processing and inquiry. . . yet to fell I make a defense, that how I live IS worthwhile and to enjoy, deeply enjoy and feel fulfilled.

Somewhere, in the seeing what is in the world to do, as possibilities, and the different people doing also OS many things that do help and benefit so many many people I want also to do that, and seeing how little I do do that, and how few people I benefit, directly, and seemingly the pathway for that *not* having opened how to accept this, almost unacceptable 'not having made a difference'.

I know that it is , right now, in this moment here, getting me, getting and understanding this life and this big love and all this humanness, and the so so so strong pull to get it right that ... right now this is the work, this is the place and possibility of being . . alive. AND. . . what to do today, in the ordinary in this day?

when I hold SO many too too TOO many possibilities and things I would like to do, that think are important to do and, really that I should have done to be successful, to get on with my life.

I AM getting on, and clearing my life and still it seems *endless* this pattern and quest for doing the right thing, doing the thing that will make me fulfilled, and fulfil the qualities and wishes I have for work, and taking care of my needs SO strong, in seeming that I don' have this, SO strong the welling up of a feeling of inadequacy. And, yet STILL a sense of my knowing and destiny.

Right now i could go into many MANY tears, and more than that what comes present is a wish to know what it is that will create this confidence, and dissolve this holding back sadness. I feel it flooding in as I writ that, simply form asking that question.

So how about if today I follow that guidance keep stopping, and asking, keep tuning in and asking, keep dong ,the best I can, now that i *DO* do the best I can. and getting to a place of simply accepting that. In some ways, it seems simply overwhelming because I have and do carry more than I can manage. coupled with this, is a sense of inadequacy that I feel ,even with this too much that should know and understand and do MORE. --- this simply is not sustainable, is NOT opening and creating the life I could lead.

How can I, even with this sense of almost desperation, how can I .. . . .. live . . . my . . . life .. . without the endless circling of these thoughts and ideas, or without running away or cutting off.

How can I live a successful life, a fulfilled live, where I can say and feel YES, this is a good life, I am grateful for this my life now as it is, appreciating SO much the beauty, being able to be with and have compassion for the pain. being with it all, the bigness and the smallness.

I sit now, for a moment still, enjoy the sun, and the butterflies SO beautiful and extraordinary in their moments, the rich green of the grass, and jewel like purple of the flowers. a butterfly alights on my shoe, a hear the stream the, insects and dancing grass blown wind is SUCH a magical dance. birds sing and nature, here simply as it is is SO wonderful. I remember the deer I saw as I arrived in the forest earlier, such clarity and power in it's movements, felling joy to see it, and sensing it's fear .. . such beauty, such fear. and I feel both.

light on leaves, clouds in sky, deep blue, silver clouds. nature so natureful and the chainsaws also echo thru the valley in their destruction of the trees, and the plane flies over with it's pollution and here I am connected with and taking both in, aware of both.

now .. . . what to do? have breakfast

++

my knowing, no one else's, that is what to follow. sometimes the guidance comes from another. whether inner knowing and sensing or words from another, even then I am the one that knows, that gets it. I get what i get. I pray for a clearer getting, and following the getting. less dependent of , not dependent on others for the measure of this getting.

When we're gonna get it

Here's a kind of lament that I did a sketch of this afternoon. Seems in some way related to all these emails I've been getting about 'Fire the Grid'



use the player above or to download, right click here and 'save as' (2.93mb)




I had little interest in even taking a second glance at the scores of 'Fire the Grid' emails I was getting. Then a friend, who doesn't ever send stuff on sent it to me and before that I'd then tuned in some more and put the link to check out later.

As I read the story on the website I was moved to tears.; a real calling to listen more, MUCH more to guidance... and follow it. I get the core of this ( this life probably too) is about gratitude .... being connected and simply being... ( thanks for the reminder)

My sense is that this whole event/idea is lovely, heartful, amazing... inspiring many many people; I really REALLY get that. AND....I also get something else running thru it all:

The other day, several days after reading the story, I was walking back to my studio after meditating by the stream in the forest, I got how the trees are meditating 24/7 . . and *who* do we think we are ... 1 hour on 1 day !! So I get both the heartfulness of Tuesday and a tone of ego stuff running thru and in all this --- its' in the person with the vision, it's in the event how it's been set up, and ... it's in me ... AND .. It's ... well... what it is ... ALL of it... and it's a choice !! Following the heart and trusting... enough.

In these last couple of weeks, I've become much more interested in the signs (ANY signs that point towards what has to happen or what there is to know about this kind of unfoldment. ( much more interested than all the sorting out and processing of 'stuff')

Blueprinting and reality

Sunday 6 May

* visa gold - pay, other to do's ADMIN time today,tonight.

...

As I woke,it was early,before 5am again,I dozed, got the tensions in my body and my runabout mind.

STOP

how quickly that activates

STOP

in writing,going just that bit too fast. . . for comfort.

many thoughts arose with how I've used this dong tooo much to somehow feel a kind of safety. In that tension that's been ,somehow a protection. .. . --- something STOP .. . .

I shy away from saying clearly and strongly,accepting *what is true for me*. I flick to a conversation with my mother yesterday and how unlistened to I was, how little space .. .AHHH..

that's the meta level,meta pattern .. .** wanting life to be different,....*seeing how it could be SO clearly and the tension arising form how it could be, or could have been.. . . there is SOMETHING in there of **getting BOTH***, that is getting this great WONDROUS vision I have. . .REALLY getting accepting, blessing that I DO have that ability and facility to do that EVEN WHEN it's **SO*** very different from the reality ( of what was, what is, or even. . .what may be. STILL **it IS OK, even nourishing and important that I GET MYSELF in that ability to see what it is that arises in me as the blueprint potential .. . .-- It's a VERY differ energetic than the forcing. . . that blueprinting arising SIMPLY IS,and I SIMPLY SEE IT, FEEL IT, SENSE IT.... along with that is How it is, the past and present reality .. . the future may also be ... because i ALSO see and sense the future that is arising., some ( and more that I allow myself to get, a lot of the time) and , I ALSO get how that is NOT completely shaped .. .the Blueprint is there AND what is arising AND , whilst the blueprint may not be reached ( as now we are NOT as humanity living what could have been) that blueprint , BLUEPRINT can happen AT ANY INSTANT we can go towards that.

SO, getting this day, right now, and eyes open ,eyes closed .. different energy ..response in my body. SO TOO different activity and SO TOO, different according to WHERE I PLACE MY ATTENTION IN THOUGHT. AN activity, an interaction with something, doing something, reading something etc ALL CARRY DIFFERENT ENERGETICS AND RESPONSES IN MY BODY. simply stopping I GET WHAT IS HAPPENING .. . relating to the activity, the person, thing I'm doing. reading too, a book or something on the internet or an email that too as well as the equipment, method of transmission ALSO carries with it a response. . . THIS, this awareness and potential awareness I have IS neither 'good' nor 'bad' it simply is

STOP.

This getting myself, simply myself AS I AM . is SUCH a GREAT RESOURCING.

THE tension comes with the mismatch between the blueprint and the reality of how it is, or appears to be. the physical material reality difference. Accepting this physical reality does NOT negate the blueprint Like with the design of the electric and the pluming getting the blueprint s one thing, carrying it out and being with that process of preparing, gathering materials and doing and discovering ' obstacles, and blueprinting, no re designing, the blueprint is the FINISHED vibrationally alive reality, NOT a 'goal or a new goal, the blueprint is simply what is. simply that.

SO, now there is the time space physical reality of getting up dressed, tidying the room, having breakfast going to the loo etc. then doing, what ever I do ALL THAT is that, simply that 'doing' -- It IS OK TO DO . . !!and relax and be available, and stay focused and enjoy. this all this that I have been writing is the trick to simply enjoying life, being of benefit from the core of me shining out, drinking that in that me ... that is .. . how extraordinary.

NOW is time to get on with the day

Sound Blessings for Celebrations using Hand Chimes Viola, Guitar and Voice

One of the things that gives me a lot of joy is to to create an energetic in a place when people are gathered in a sharing circle. I tune into the exquisite energy of the blessing that is there and build on that by creating a Sound Blessing.

Sometimes, at a birthday or wedding, I invite people to sit or lie down in the center of the circle with their eyes closed. Then I have some lovely hand chimes which I pass out to people to join in playing. Then, with that gorgeous wash of sound started, I weave around and through that with Viola. Sometimes I add a singing bowl as a transition to playing guitar and making up a spontaneous song. - people sometimes join in the singing too.

Yesterday we did a lovely sound blessing at my friends wedding celebration, sitting outside at the end of a sharing circle. Marianne had tears steaming down her cheeks as we played. She said to me after I'll remember that for the rest of my life." As I'd asked them to come and sit in the center of the circle and close their eyes, they'd joked' "what are you going to do, levitate us". ( I'd hidden the instruments so they wouldn't know what we were going to do.) Afterwards Ian said, "It was like being in a 3D sonic bath, and yes you *did* levitate us, it was really beautiful."

I'd be introduced to these lovely Hand Chime blessing bells when I stayed in Brisbane with Sarah Hopkins a wonderful musician and Sound Healer. www.sarahhopkins.com She also created the Harmonic Whirlies which I also love to use at gatherings like this. Later that night many people in the group played Harmonic Whirlies around the fire.

Kanyini day

There are more words I will post, to go with this extraordinary day; a deep meeting and a deep privilege for such a heartful connecting - These images came to me in the opening circle and said to me about the essence of the day. ( see www.kanyini.com for Bob Randall's amazing film)



we came from afar






















a meeting and blessing for all





















Heartful questions rested on the ground






















The light life radiant all one

The sun rises again in my life

The sun rises again in my life, seen from the nearly completed new kitchen at the Barn , place of nourishment and beauty, place I will soon be able to sit in


View across the valley from just outside the new front door























































looking out the window where the kitchen table will be

Grief stirrings ... next steps

Doing all these things, getting them sorted, cleared, done .. . and all my 'practices' will not ensure I ' go to heaven ' ' have a successful life ' or ' be liked ' or 'be loved ' . . . . . Are these *really* the things I want!!?

If I think too much about this beautiful earth, this beautiful beautiful earth and the place of destruction abuse and pain giving we are in. IT IS OVERWHELMING. and. . . yet I do not even let myself go into or feel *that* . overwhelm. . afraid that I will .. . . kill myself. . . the pain tooo much. o- is this what happened to Bec.

And in this place o f chaos, of seemingly not able to get my life sorted, or a relationship that flows easily or wok that I LOVE to do, that I can do easily and is well pain . . .so I have enough, a *good* amount of money and recourses 'abundance' .. . IN THIS place. . . . . . it is challenging. . SO challenging .. . I feel the stress on my body. the seeming inability to also NOT do enough, or very really exercise. . . or eat in a relaxed way is way too stressful also on my body. . . I feel sad for my life, and again only just on the edge of that for the same fear . . . .

AND *so* wanting to share my gift of playing music more.. Yes reading is 'ok' and what really changed the space was when played the viola. .. . WHEN will I get this, that THIS is what I'm meat to do .. . .*is it* tears are VERY close to the surface now, as . .. . I mm sense the 'fear it might not be good enough' or. . . sit. . . that I'm more simply just missing my life. . . this life . . this creative life. . . . STUCK with SOOOOO much * stuff* and feeling isolated and alone . . . in this. . . grieving for my life. . . and this struggle. . .

NO .. . I do NOT not not not NOT want this struggle .. . Its been REALLY relay RE ALYYY hard not having a home. . . or enough money and working with this Carework where there is SUCH an uncaring attitude to the carers .. . and then doubting myself that I can even organise that. . .--- now the tears flow. . . I feel some life in that. . . and. . . WHAT TO DO . . . .. ? I'd like to get on and clear my life, clear up sort thru stuff, like I said I would and ALL the other things that are there. and start playing more. . .

AND. . . comes again and more, this question;

How can I life a life of Service, Love and Devotion. ( is this even the right, or best question to enquire into .. . )

I SO want to get this right, to be loved to be . .. LOVED. . . or something like that. . . WHAT *IS* this deep grief in me in my soul .. . . -- IS it , still' about Bec, is it ancestral, is it early childhood 'stuff' is it (ohh yeah I was there last night) is it about the Australian abuse, or the deep grief of others in Embercombe of the earth, the earth in Chaos, knowing something . . yet. . . SO MUCH PAIN . . . about this beautiful earth in such distress. . . .. Can I GET THIS. . . and **STILL** get the beauty, divine eternal ... I've GOTTAT get thru to this. . somehow or .. . all this is POINTLESS? . . Sure gotta 'do ' something to mange my sate . . AND YET? . .to forcefully impose.

WHO can I talk with about this. . . be with with this. .. without hiding without being open to TOO open to their pain, stuff etc . . . that I fear will activate and deepen this in me more. . . . felling SUCH distresses does NOT seem a good way to got and. .. yet I do NOT WANT to SUPPRESS IT . . or go unconscious to it. . .

-- ohhhh .. . I've just remembered that this too WILL pass. . . .it just seems, in the opening to this that it will go on FOREVER and enter into the deep dark pit of total despair and annihilation. . .

Feeling is ok , , AND. . . what to do that is NOT rigid rule driven .. . and. . .*how* to shape and focus my life, how to set goals that are *REALLY* mine , ,and that will be successful?

Yes, service, love and devotion are all very well and good ,, , WHAT does that mean, for me, in actual practical action terms of living my life.

WHO to get support with to clear this, to clear this up, HOW to get clear action on this.

SO hard sometimes.

what would I like to have happen. . . --- feel a softening and sense of possibility in that question.

need to have 'breakfast'

EASY .. . easy . .. e a s y .

What is the focus of my life?

Life shifts and changes.many faces across time.All show themselves in this instant.

The light bright light this is seen by the eye.

Open heart surgery, life school, transformation.

bowing in humility, softening . . I stand tall fulsome and present

It has been the pain and struggle, still the tendency comes. Now is the time to release this pattern. It may be rough as you negotiate the new ways., I will be with you, in all the many faces; love will always be with you.

focus happens as you pay attention to what arises. All is constantly shifting and changing. NOTHING fixed in any moment LIFE is available, in transformation

Joy, beauty power .. . in ALL there is, including the pan and suffering . . . see thru to the *life* that is always and ever present

Delay not awaken and know that you are already awake in this tumultuous joyous life. breathe forth in this instant the life and essence of who you are filing the room. that which is eternal .. . love . .. and that which is of the ego personalities and struggles.

Bow down, bow down before life, before no one and everyone, nothing and everything: this is the resonance co-resonance of life as you live your heart in and thru this day walk in this knowledge walk with me in life. I am in all things all things are in me .. . this is the great presence of life throughout all existence and across and thru time and space life exists.

Drop the pain and suffering, drop the attachment to how things should be and live life. enter into living . And know that already you are living.

THIS is the focus of your life. . . . your life as it is, as it unfolds. using love to blast thru, to melt thru to soften thru .. . whatever is needed in whatever way . . . your life is unfolding. Masculine and feminine contained in all. see life, the beauty of life in all. . . . missing it. . . . fearful . .. . sometimes this is so. . . this too passes, and one by one the faces of the knowing and unknowing will pass before you in your life .. . . this is love

solstice commitment and request for support

Known,  in this moment,  the beauty  and richness of life. What a blessed gift.  Here,  in this place . .. I rest   and notice what I  notice  of the cycling thru of emotions,  of the rising and falling  of 'fear', of closing, of joy, the waves of joy .. .  and the opening which has no opening.  This      extraordinary      life. Knowing this, there is nothing else to know.  

All the other psychological  understandings,  layers upon layers  of cultural,  famililial  and societal  conditionings  are  simply that,  patterns . . . that  have been drawn in the sand and which, in the winds of life, are shaped and reshaped.  Some of the more impactful events,  like rocks in this landscape, create deeper more lasting patterns,  and yet sun  and wind and rain and ice  wear down and break apart even the most solid rock eventually crumbles  and  this shifting landscape of life is reformed  and reformed  over time  thru time in time.  The circling of the planets  and the impact if the changing energetics  and chemicals interactions of this life, create an element of this unfolding.

 

Identified thru conditioning  and habit, with this material reality,  longing and remembering and sensing the life that is not limited, is independent of this,  yet, it is in and thru this body,  planet,  existence  that I experience my life,  my being here alive.

 

SO much has been written and said of the 'other' of 'how it is'.   I continue on my quest through this life  to make sense of it all, whilst  all along here I am, with all of it .  . this my life.  deeper and deeper, more present  more aware  of the awareness and unawareness shifting and changing.  AND, the SO wanting of 'peace at any cost'. of 'wanting to be loved' at any cost,  wanting to be accepted at any cost.  Yet,  knowing and seeing this .. . . I again , maybe in a more subtle and tricky way,  want to show,  understand and demonstrate this *I am it, here,  confident*.   And yet, SO much of the time NOT that way, doubting my life, wanting to be THAT way and not have doubting. . .  waiting until it is 'all sorted',  that I am 'landed',  and 'clear' enough,  'perfect' enough  and .. . .'worthy' enough ,  'enlightened' enough  to lead  and teach ,  to stand  up and show.  ---  Yet,  I do NOT want to be another voice of  'presumption'  of 'blind leading blind'.  of  'Guru ego'.  I SO do not want to do that. 

 

What if , as an experiment, (because its not  'for ever')  what if I experimented, for the rest of this year, with allowing myself to NOT worry about that,  and just went with what it is that I know, and what arises in me to say and do , as the 'truth'. Not worrying  that I have to  'reframe' it and 'get it right'  because   ' there are many truths'  etc etc etc .. . Simply speaking  and doing  what it is that arises for me as the truth.  What if I experimented with that, for now, did that, for now. 

 

Wanting to constantly 'wake up'  'be awake' . ..  impossible? . ..  maybe it is that I AM AWAKE .. . ALREADY !!  nothing to do , or get, or learn or have to follow or learn .. .  simply .. . right now .. . getting this.  The rest,  all the complex  psychological processes and understandings WILL surface, will be there,  ARE there already.

 

The shackles of 'life'  fall away,  breaking apart, opening. . .  a veritable firework display  of energetic destruction  unbinding, breaking out,  arising,  DEEP breath. Fiery golden energy of life.  Within and thru me.

 

I open to this experiment,  to living this experiment  and to all that can support me in this,  to any one  and any energy and any beings  that can support me .. .  so that I can live this, my life,  to the fullest I can.  ASKing for 'support'  not from weakness or needing ANYTHING,  simply asking, because someone, some places, some energies may have something that would contribute to this.  NOTHING is needed,  and ANYTHING can contribute.

 

All this, my best wish,  is for the FULLEST potential of my life,  in DEPTH  of HEART , SPIRIT  ,JOYOUS  **CONNECTION* with and in and thru LIFE?   For the BENEFIT OF ALL,  and that INCLUDES me!

 

THIS,  MY LIFE BEST and HIGHEST GOOD.-  that is my wish and prayer. 

So,  for today,  for now.  I prepare the way,  and gather things I need so I can enjoy this life , this day .. . I now, continue on.  from and with and in this instant.