Another morning in the forest - such richness

again going to meditate in the forest, again seeing a dear, but very different this time. some more form my journal, of what I experienced, what arose in the forest - such richness.

Tue 31 July

Such peace, here in the forest. Yet not ‘here’, it's simply here that has the peace. still today, hardly a breath of wind. The sound of the stream carries all other sounds held by the wash of the ever changing bath of sound. Leaves fall, sudden rustle of sound. IN the canopy of the trees a whole life of birds exists.

As I sat, suddenly or so it seemed, I felt the trees breathe. Is it that I sat here long enough or did something else shift and change. On other days it does not happen so .

How much, is this, connected with again playing and recording for several hours last night; certainly it feeds me. As too another step or too of less things waiting there for me to do, in a minute way the incompletes less.

IT is SO still here, different leaves dance and glisten in the sun. Even with a car cutting thru the 'silence', still it is peaceful - how extraordinary. In this, noticing this, in this moment I feel such gratitude.

sound of plane comes, distant at first, now blocking out almost all the other sounds, I feel the tension rise, not wanting the sound. resistance coming in my body. The plane recedes, the forest sounds rise again.

Then there is that tree rat, squirrel, it strips away all the young green hazelnuts. what to do about it? a few years ago they were al poisoned and the trees not stripped, young trees barked and started to die.

raven calls, raw resonant 'barking', wings beating. so many and so rich the sound s, ad the responses and interpretations.

Yesterday, too , I got my impatience. simply not finding something where I would like it to be and then a struggle , judgment and a frustration. it's SO extraordinary the energy that that takes, the energy that that has. maybe, getting it that is now less present. Maybe it will come again, maybe it wont'; unlikely i recon, yet I could be proved wrong. anything is possible.

I start now to feel some restlessness; time to move on for breakfast --

I LOVE THE sound of the raven. . .how so very VERY gorgeous.

PAUSE.

the forest continues to breath.

now I will go and have breakfast, raven echoes again. . SO wondrous.

++

AS I prepare to leave, I have SUCH gratitude, I wish others could also have this, those that don’t . . I sense this .. . this love a gratitude compassion flowing thru me. flowing thru the universe, thru existence.

Sound of jet plane high up cuts thru. This ’gratitude' dissolves.. some. it is difficult to feel the judgment and pain. how to be with all this. this tooo will pass. the other will come again. always the other, the breathing forest , gratitude, love compassion is there. .. thank god . .!

I'd like to 'thank god' for it all. The pain and all that is less easy to accept. I drop into a subtle rage, resentment, judgment. ohhh how can this be . . when I feel also SUCH joy, joy at the heart of existence. sometimes, ashamedly, that to is an escaping.

I sense in the noticing of that the tone of shame, guilt, fear, resentment. . what place these? whatever .. . it is . . .they arise, and like waves, storms seasons lifetimes, their pattern moves thru. all existence. is swirling patterns of life changing. forming and reforming. this is the soup, the sea in which i live. portraying this, getting this, understanding and not understanding. --- NOW it is for breakfast!

++

as i stand up a see a dear about 20 meters way. IT comes towards me, beauty of free motion, dappled in the sun light filtering thru the trees. it continues, gently grazing walking towards me thru the trees. still it has not seen me. It is SO different than the fear of the sacred dear of yesterday.

I stand completely still. it continues on barely 10meters now. I sense still an ease in my body. I look with peripheral vision. -- then, something shifts. I turn my attention again more towards the dear, it stands still, immobile, I sense some fear coming thru my body. . body tense. . I send a wish of love, appreciation. . . I breathe deeper soften ..

a car comes one side, a lorry on the other the dear is held by these iron mechanical sounds. I get it’s fear not mine, yet also feel the response in me. The sounds recede. it softens. . I continue to stand completely still. then, bit by bit, step by step it moves away, at ease again.

this being with this dear, and the sounds and the changing potent arising of the in the moment. . -- such a gift, such a lesson form the forest.

*now* is time for breakfast!!

standing completely still for 5minuties. . . life potent present , all there is in this moment of me and the dear its moving my stillness, breathing and the sights sound colors and movements.

++

rich blue against green, cloudless sky, beating wings of brown butterfly on still dewed grass, glistening drops of water and bright pink flowers. how extraordinary rich all this is. such gratitude to experience and appreciate all this.

++ now i am ready to eat breakfast and move on thru the day. I wonder, how this will continue, this magic of the day, this day, this existence.

forest meditation inquiry

notes form my journal: sitting in the forest to meditate - an inquiry and some of what arises

Mon 30 July - as I go to bed now, 1:15 am , I have this sense of , thoughts of ' is this, that I do of ANY use, is it important, I am doing something that is going to EVER make me a living

I seem to accomplish SO little, relay, that shows forth into the world ,that is REALLY making a difference. I have this sense of quiet desperation, a faint scream in the background of my life. .. . I SO so sososo SO want this, my life to be easier, to flow, and, I have SUCH a sense of struggle . . . and of holding it together. and. . . still I seem to make not make an impact of taking my life forwards. . . feeling SO off my center, and with arriving SO late here today, and NO time for me to rest, really or get focussed for the week, this week of 5 days before then 10 days away .. . I feel SUCH pressure from this, in this.. . and . . it seems SO unreasonable. . . that really i SHOULD be able to take my life forward easy and more easily .. ,what IS it , what is it that needs to happen.

++++

Mon 30 July - morning

how extraordinary, again now this morning, after mediation in the forest, sitting here now in the sun a sense, mostly , of peace. There is also, at the edges of my knowing , a pool of tears. Grief and sadness for how this world is, the pain and suffering in it and for all the less than things, and situations that I have had in my life. It is , I fear, too much to bear, if I really experienced it. If I opened to the reality of this pain .. . without also a knowing, experiencing of the joy also , the peace also. and this joy, peace and connection I do also know SO surely, without any doubt. ( even in the paces and items of doubting and feeling scare and all the other psychological woundings and patterns that I carry, I also know this, the bigness and unlimited ness of life.

How then, with all this knowing and understanding, how then to live my life, in the ordinary, without endless processing and inquiry. . . yet to fell I make a defense, that how I live IS worthwhile and to enjoy, deeply enjoy and feel fulfilled.

Somewhere, in the seeing what is in the world to do, as possibilities, and the different people doing also OS many things that do help and benefit so many many people I want also to do that, and seeing how little I do do that, and how few people I benefit, directly, and seemingly the pathway for that *not* having opened how to accept this, almost unacceptable 'not having made a difference'.

I know that it is , right now, in this moment here, getting me, getting and understanding this life and this big love and all this humanness, and the so so so strong pull to get it right that ... right now this is the work, this is the place and possibility of being . . alive. AND. . . what to do today, in the ordinary in this day?

when I hold SO many too too TOO many possibilities and things I would like to do, that think are important to do and, really that I should have done to be successful, to get on with my life.

I AM getting on, and clearing my life and still it seems *endless* this pattern and quest for doing the right thing, doing the thing that will make me fulfilled, and fulfil the qualities and wishes I have for work, and taking care of my needs SO strong, in seeming that I don' have this, SO strong the welling up of a feeling of inadequacy. And, yet STILL a sense of my knowing and destiny.

Right now i could go into many MANY tears, and more than that what comes present is a wish to know what it is that will create this confidence, and dissolve this holding back sadness. I feel it flooding in as I writ that, simply form asking that question.

So how about if today I follow that guidance keep stopping, and asking, keep tuning in and asking, keep dong ,the best I can, now that i *DO* do the best I can. and getting to a place of simply accepting that. In some ways, it seems simply overwhelming because I have and do carry more than I can manage. coupled with this, is a sense of inadequacy that I feel ,even with this too much that should know and understand and do MORE. --- this simply is not sustainable, is NOT opening and creating the life I could lead.

How can I, even with this sense of almost desperation, how can I .. . . .. live . . . my . . . life .. . without the endless circling of these thoughts and ideas, or without running away or cutting off.

How can I live a successful life, a fulfilled live, where I can say and feel YES, this is a good life, I am grateful for this my life now as it is, appreciating SO much the beauty, being able to be with and have compassion for the pain. being with it all, the bigness and the smallness.

I sit now, for a moment still, enjoy the sun, and the butterflies SO beautiful and extraordinary in their moments, the rich green of the grass, and jewel like purple of the flowers. a butterfly alights on my shoe, a hear the stream the, insects and dancing grass blown wind is SUCH a magical dance. birds sing and nature, here simply as it is is SO wonderful. I remember the deer I saw as I arrived in the forest earlier, such clarity and power in it's movements, felling joy to see it, and sensing it's fear .. . such beauty, such fear. and I feel both.

light on leaves, clouds in sky, deep blue, silver clouds. nature so natureful and the chainsaws also echo thru the valley in their destruction of the trees, and the plane flies over with it's pollution and here I am connected with and taking both in, aware of both.

now .. . . what to do? have breakfast

++

my knowing, no one else's, that is what to follow. sometimes the guidance comes from another. whether inner knowing and sensing or words from another, even then I am the one that knows, that gets it. I get what i get. I pray for a clearer getting, and following the getting. less dependent of , not dependent on others for the measure of this getting.

When we're gonna get it

Here's a kind of lament that I did a sketch of this afternoon. Seems in some way related to all these emails I've been getting about 'Fire the Grid'



use the player above or to download, right click here and 'save as' (2.93mb)




I had little interest in even taking a second glance at the scores of 'Fire the Grid' emails I was getting. Then a friend, who doesn't ever send stuff on sent it to me and before that I'd then tuned in some more and put the link to check out later.

As I read the story on the website I was moved to tears.; a real calling to listen more, MUCH more to guidance... and follow it. I get the core of this ( this life probably too) is about gratitude .... being connected and simply being... ( thanks for the reminder)

My sense is that this whole event/idea is lovely, heartful, amazing... inspiring many many people; I really REALLY get that. AND....I also get something else running thru it all:

The other day, several days after reading the story, I was walking back to my studio after meditating by the stream in the forest, I got how the trees are meditating 24/7 . . and *who* do we think we are ... 1 hour on 1 day !! So I get both the heartfulness of Tuesday and a tone of ego stuff running thru and in all this --- its' in the person with the vision, it's in the event how it's been set up, and ... it's in me ... AND .. It's ... well... what it is ... ALL of it... and it's a choice !! Following the heart and trusting... enough.

In these last couple of weeks, I've become much more interested in the signs (ANY signs that point towards what has to happen or what there is to know about this kind of unfoldment. ( much more interested than all the sorting out and processing of 'stuff')