Mon 30 July - as I go to bed now, 1:15 am , I have this sense of , thoughts of ' is this, that I do of ANY use, is it important, I am doing something that is going to EVER make me a living
I seem to accomplish SO little, relay, that shows forth into the world ,that is REALLY making a difference. I have this sense of quiet desperation, a faint scream in the background of my life. .. . I SO so sososo SO want this, my life to be easier, to flow, and, I have SUCH a sense of struggle . . . and of holding it together. and. . . still I seem to make not make an impact of taking my life forwards. . . feeling SO off my center, and with arriving SO late here today, and NO time for me to rest, really or get focussed for the week, this week of 5 days before then 10 days away .. . I feel SUCH pressure from this, in this.. . and . . it seems SO unreasonable. . . that really i SHOULD be able to take my life forward easy and more easily .. ,what IS it , what is it that needs to happen.
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Mon 30 July - morning
how extraordinary, again now this morning, after mediation in the forest, sitting here now in the sun a sense, mostly , of peace. There is also, at the edges of my knowing , a pool of tears. Grief and sadness for how this world is, the pain and suffering in it and for all the less than things, and situations that I have had in my life. It is , I fear, too much to bear, if I really experienced it. If I opened to the reality of this pain .. . without also a knowing, experiencing of the joy also , the peace also. and this joy, peace and connection I do also know SO surely, without any doubt. ( even in the paces and items of doubting and feeling scare and all the other psychological woundings and patterns that I carry, I also know this, the bigness and unlimited ness of life.
How then, with all this knowing and understanding, how then to live my life, in the ordinary, without endless processing and inquiry. . . yet to fell I make a defense, that how I live IS worthwhile and to enjoy, deeply enjoy and feel fulfilled.
Somewhere, in the seeing what is in the world to do, as possibilities, and the different people doing also OS many things that do help and benefit so many many people I want also to do that, and seeing how little I do do that, and how few people I benefit, directly, and seemingly the pathway for that *not* having opened how to accept this, almost unacceptable 'not having made a difference'.
I know that it is , right now, in this moment here, getting me, getting and understanding this life and this big love and all this humanness, and the so so so strong pull to get it right that ... right now this is the work, this is the place and possibility of being . . alive. AND. . . what to do today, in the ordinary in this day?
when I hold SO many too too TOO many possibilities and things I would like to do, that think are important to do and, really that I should have done to be successful, to get on with my life.
I AM getting on, and clearing my life and still it seems *endless* this pattern and quest for doing the right thing, doing the thing that will make me fulfilled, and fulfil the qualities and wishes I have for work, and taking care of my needs SO strong, in seeming that I don' have this, SO strong the welling up of a feeling of inadequacy. And, yet STILL a sense of my knowing and destiny.
Right now i could go into many MANY tears, and more than that what comes present is a wish to know what it is that will create this confidence, and dissolve this holding back sadness. I feel it flooding in as I writ that, simply form asking that question.
So how about if today I follow that guidance keep stopping, and asking, keep tuning in and asking, keep dong ,the best I can, now that i *DO* do the best I can. and getting to a place of simply accepting that. In some ways, it seems simply overwhelming because I have and do carry more than I can manage. coupled with this, is a sense of inadequacy that I feel ,even with this too much that should know and understand and do MORE. --- this simply is not sustainable, is NOT opening and creating the life I could lead.
How can I, even with this sense of almost desperation, how can I .. . . .. live . . . my . . . life .. . without the endless circling of these thoughts and ideas, or without running away or cutting off.
How can I live a successful life, a fulfilled live, where I can say and feel YES, this is a good life, I am grateful for this my life now as it is, appreciating SO much the beauty, being able to be with and have compassion for the pain. being with it all, the bigness and the smallness.
I sit now, for a moment still, enjoy the sun, and the butterflies SO beautiful and extraordinary in their moments, the rich green of the grass, and jewel like purple of the flowers. a butterfly alights on my shoe, a hear the stream the, insects and dancing grass blown wind is SUCH a magical dance. birds sing and nature, here simply as it is is SO wonderful. I remember the deer I saw as I arrived in the forest earlier, such clarity and power in it's movements, felling joy to see it, and sensing it's fear .. . such beauty, such fear. and I feel both.
light on leaves, clouds in sky, deep blue, silver clouds. nature so natureful and the chainsaws also echo thru the valley in their destruction of the trees, and the plane flies over with it's pollution and here I am connected with and taking both in, aware of both.
now .. . . what to do? have breakfast
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my knowing, no one else's, that is what to follow. sometimes the guidance comes from another. whether inner knowing and sensing or words from another, even then I am the one that knows, that gets it. I get what i get. I pray for a clearer getting, and following the getting. less dependent of , not dependent on others for the measure of this getting.
