Doing all these things, getting them sorted, cleared, done .. . and all my 'practices' will not ensure I ' go to heaven ' ' have a successful life ' or ' be liked ' or 'be loved ' . . . . . Are these *really* the things I want!!?
If I think too much about this beautiful earth, this beautiful beautiful earth and the place of destruction abuse and pain giving we are in. IT IS OVERWHELMING. and. . . yet I do not even let myself go into or feel *that* . overwhelm. . afraid that I will .. . . kill myself. . . the pain tooo much. o- is this what happened to Bec.
And in this place o f chaos, of seemingly not able to get my life sorted, or a relationship that flows easily or wok that I LOVE to do, that I can do easily and is well pain . . .so I have enough, a *good* amount of money and recourses 'abundance' .. . IN THIS place. . . . . . it is challenging. . SO challenging .. . I feel the stress on my body. the seeming inability to also NOT do enough, or very really exercise. . . or eat in a relaxed way is way too stressful also on my body. . . I feel sad for my life, and again only just on the edge of that for the same fear . . . .
AND *so* wanting to share my gift of playing music more.. Yes reading is 'ok' and what really changed the space was when played the viola. .. . WHEN will I get this, that THIS is what I'm meat to do .. . .*is it* tears are VERY close to the surface now, as . .. . I mm sense the 'fear it might not be good enough' or. . . sit. . . that I'm more simply just missing my life. . . this life . . this creative life. . . . STUCK with SOOOOO much * stuff* and feeling isolated and alone . . . in this. . . grieving for my life. . . and this struggle. . .
NO .. . I do NOT not not not NOT want this struggle .. . Its been REALLY relay RE ALYYY hard not having a home. . . or enough money and working with this Carework where there is SUCH an uncaring attitude to the carers .. . and then doubting myself that I can even organise that. . .--- now the tears flow. . . I feel some life in that. . . and. . . WHAT TO DO . . . .. ? I'd like to get on and clear my life, clear up sort thru stuff, like I said I would and ALL the other things that are there. and start playing more. . .
AND. . . comes again and more, this question;
How can I life a life of Service, Love and Devotion. ( is this even the right, or best question to enquire into .. . )
I SO want to get this right, to be loved to be . .. LOVED. . . or something like that. . . WHAT *IS* this deep grief in me in my soul .. . . -- IS it , still' about Bec, is it ancestral, is it early childhood 'stuff' is it (ohh yeah I was there last night) is it about the Australian abuse, or the deep grief of others in Embercombe of the earth, the earth in Chaos, knowing something . . yet. . . SO MUCH PAIN . . . about this beautiful earth in such distress. . . .. Can I GET THIS. . . and **STILL** get the beauty, divine eternal ... I've GOTTAT get thru to this. . somehow or .. . all this is POINTLESS? . . Sure gotta 'do ' something to mange my sate . . AND YET? . .to forcefully impose.
WHO can I talk with about this. . . be with with this. .. without hiding without being open to TOO open to their pain, stuff etc . . . that I fear will activate and deepen this in me more. . . . felling SUCH distresses does NOT seem a good way to got and. .. yet I do NOT WANT to SUPPRESS IT . . or go unconscious to it. . .
-- ohhhh .. . I've just remembered that this too WILL pass. . . .it just seems, in the opening to this that it will go on FOREVER and enter into the deep dark pit of total despair and annihilation. . .
Feeling is ok , , AND. . . what to do that is NOT rigid rule driven .. . and. . .*how* to shape and focus my life, how to set goals that are *REALLY* mine , ,and that will be successful?
Yes, service, love and devotion are all very well and good ,, , WHAT does that mean, for me, in actual practical action terms of living my life.
WHO to get support with to clear this, to clear this up, HOW to get clear action on this.
SO hard sometimes.
what would I like to have happen. . . --- feel a softening and sense of possibility in that question.
need to have 'breakfast'
EASY .. . easy . .. e a s y .
