amazed by this life!! music, coaching, creativity, lateral thinking, transformation; my passion and joy

Monday, August 28, 2006

life and freedom

the night falls outside is now dark. I climbed the hill earlier and saw the last of the sun, magical painting of light on the sky. .. I am here again with the old man. and the world of TV and news programs .. it is HARSH ... I miss my life and freedom right now, though I know that freedom is inside me. I miss tender gentle touch of skin on skin. and sitting and relaxing. .. . I push myself SO much . . what, am I(?) escaping .. will this cycle and pattern ever end . . ?

I stayed at my friend Jo's last night, we talked and smiled. she had period pains, I held her feet and energy massaged her .. she went to sleep. - a huge opening happened between us 6 years ago, . . . we didn't speak for nearly a year .. then we met and a hornet got stuck in her hair . . never happened before. . she dances in and out of relationships that mirror this earlier patterning ... - she has deep issues with men . . she trusts me completely. IT continues as good friends .. I think that is how it will always be . ... My Psychic friend Sabrina says I keep looking for woman who I can fall in love with , serve, have them become the muse and that I need to serve something greater .. she is right, I loose myself in the dreams of others TOO much . . . I hope I am making steps not to do that so much any more ... though the pull is SO STRONG there is not such an opening with Jo any more .. it is sad ... though maybe I don't need that any more with someone ... I wonder .. - she has dark stories from very young. . I keep turning up these dark stories in people ... . all is healing, healing for them healing for me. IT IS TIME .. time to fall in love. . more . . deeply with myself .. .I slip in and out of that. . and of life ...

Last night I improvised music for playback theatre . live spontaneous .. it was MAGIC .. like I know that I can do SO powerfully. 2 people came up afterwards to tell me how special it is what I do with music playing, to ask me HOW I do that. .. . It is sound meditation, I play what arises .. I miss times and spaces to do that more . . ( though 3 nights last night this creative happen arose...) perhaps with these new people form last night I will do more. . . on Sunday I asked my friend Robert, a builder, to come help me finish the barn .. ( SO great to have the money to be able to pay him now) I will get it so I have the space ready for the cool of winter, and so I can make the most of the half of my life when I am not here doing care work...so I can get the recording and creative space finished. . AND, no matter ...no excuses .. . I can do that, be inspired creative, more now. . .! ( I distract myself tooooo much) ( take it easy . . !)

I am inspired to live more creatively, spontaneously. .. I'm grateful for that .. inspiration these are some of the arising in my life. tonight I will burn P eters wonderful colourful candle with rich sensual oil smells. WOW .. . I feel life SO fully.