For a while now I've been recording and listening back quite a number of times to 'sketches' of what I've been playing. As well a feedback loop that is devleoping and changing what I play, It's become an interesting enquiry process into what it is that arises from the listening.
You can hear a 13min recording of what I played, and then what I wrote, this morning.
or to download, right click and 'save as'(12mb). To read the words of what you hear, click on the 'Read More' link below.
listening to what I recorded on viola earlier. I feel a sadness and a tiredness. When have a I NOT felt this . .as a core state . . .is it a 'core state' or ..something else. . ? I feel it mostly on my face. . , eyes .. heavy arms .. want to close my eyes .. . energy disappearing form my hands . . -- the sun is lovely on my face.-- tight Jaw ... --- flick of thought " this is to do with my childhood" .. early .. 7yrs , 3yrs . . and in womb, implantation and conception and the field of fear . . of my family and in the world .. I long for the healing sound of running stream. the Joyous sound of birds . ..the golden sun. . --- what is it . . to LET GO of? P O W E R F U L L energy in my body. strong and powerful . . it could crush and smash .. . what IS that , where does it come form -- like a fist punching, a hammer smashing. over and over. . repeating . .. -- what if I were to move with my body , this. what *really* wants to happen? right now, here , . . . nothing . . I'd SO like to get to the bottom of this . .what IS this? what needs to happen so that I can be free(er?) of this? Is it ever possible to be free of such tones within the system of my body? What, of this, is also residue from patterns and interactions with others and 'disappointment ' in 'love'. As I look at all the things to do, the project areas, my body tightness and 'solidifies' . .. what I really, really REALLY want is, RIGHT NOW, a sense of devotion and conscious connection with the spirit world, unseen ones, ancestors --- guides . .. -- tears come very close to the surface .. that actually somehow I have been blocking this. . THAT has been my SO lonely ness. I remember the meditation in the stone cone in Crete .. SUCH a direct open channel 'calling home' .. and the calling of the unseen one, the voice of love that called my name that told me all is ok, all is working out perfectly. -- a single wet tear creeps out of my right eye and rolls down my cheek. I hardly cry the tear of loneliness .. it wets my cheek wiping it away, as if to wipe away all trace of this remembrance. living in this life is like a dream. WAKE UP NOW into this. My heart is sore, I long for the strong confidence. and the breaking out of the family and ancestral ties . .the human bondage ties entering into this human existence with SUCH a sure knowing that. . spirit moves and guides me, that ALL THINGS and all appearances are the play of the divine. I read back over this again and, again the tears come as I read of connection to guides . . that, actually I may not be alone, as I fear and feel . . Right now on the edge of my perception I sense SUCH beings of support, angels, and ancestors . . and the Christ -- Why such sadness, what ARE these tears. . ? tears of relief at the turning towards this knowing and awareness, ... pain .. sensing the pain of not making , of having not been making and being with and opening to that. I 'could' ask for a name of the presence, the being, beings .. .. and , the amazing thing is, simply just being here *as I am* , doing nothing special .. I sense SO MUCH of THE SPIRIT WORLD . . .. again come these tears . . . guilt ? ... or ... ? again I hardly feel my hands . . and, under this .. the HAMMERING HANDS . .2 fists . . I go to clasp my hands , kind of like in prayer, yet still they are fists. . -- under all this is no no no no no . 5 . . THIS is the age it really got squashed out of me, the age of my great despair. . and a loss of hope . . still some innocence crept thru and gradually, or not so gradually I lost hope. I'd left the magical valley in Exmoor and the extended family and a small village school and my uncle, a seer and visionary ... and now alone with my 'family', without the animals so close, or the magic in that valley . . and the trees, , AHHH the trees . . and stream . . and all the nature spirits. . of the streams and the trees . . my heart b r o k e. . . with that now ---- and now I had to 'learn'. Over and over, in those early years, being stuffed with learning's, things to learn. And SO desperately wanting love, wanting to feel that connection again. , and .. I DID sense it , in the sun streaming in, in mid winter .. again and again connecting with that, disappearing into that .. - disassociation . . ? *association* with the spirit world. and, little by little, and sometimes very fast, I learnt to shut down to that, to hide it away AND IT IS ME & lt; IT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT . . --- this THIS **IS** ME..... These energyless hands are a symptom of having given away more power .. my powerful awareness and connection with spirit world, in nature, the divine, connection with nature and all sprits and beings and the great magical connection with it all .... Again the tears come as I read - "what I really, really REALLY want is, RIGHT NOW, a sense of devotion and conscious connection with the spirit world, unseen ones, ancestors --- guides " somewhere I feel SO scared I'll make it all up, and 'go off on one' .. is 'that' the ego talking . .( and what *is* that !!?!) and I KNOW how deeply I connect with the land simply just standing there .. I sense into this ,,, this world . .. I feel SO on the edge of getting this ... "they are there to help, they want to help you" I KNOW what happened when I asked Bec if it was done, ( when I'd finished redecorating her room, that she'd hung herself in) if there was anything else in her room to do , and soon after ( having forgotten the asking) getting such a sense of fullness in my body, filled out to my skin, relaxed dropped down, open, protected, clear, strong. . . .. . this heartful direct, simple prayer ... without words even needing to be spoken .. yet asking... and then the answer arising SO clearly knowing that it is the answer. SO: I am on the edge of understanding and dropping into, opening to this being a full, fuller, fulsome way of living my life. I think I understand this, and have an inkling of what needs to happen .. . Simple acts of devotion and ritual and beauty and love .. in all life. I get that I do SO much of that already and am on the edge of it really flowing into my life .. .into the chaos of my life, the beauty of my life the brokenness of my life the divinity of my life. . . . ---- as I pray this prayer right now, I feel a peace, such peace, and a sense of being held and met and meeting with the ones in spirit. I have a sense of asking for help in this. . to get this and to live my life in a fuller, more peaceful, richer accepting joyous way .. are these the 'right' criteria? I think so, let me know if there is anything else or a shift in perception ... --- all colours flow in to me now get the magic and mystery of life
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